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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

29 replies

User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 08:18

name changed.

Dd 8 has a friend, let’s call her Lily (not real name).

for a while Lily attended a regular sports club, she asked Dd to go a few times but Dd was not bothered and struggles to say no to her friend but I told Lily she didn’t want to go, she’s not overly sporty and has some joint issues so not always confident. Personally I didn’t think the sport was suitable as she needs low impact activities.

anyway all of a sudden DD wanted to start the club which was fine if she wanted to try but I discovered that Lily was pressuring Dd to go saying she won’t go anymore unless my DD attends, it then went onto her mum trying to persuade DD to go as she said Lily wouldn’t go anymore. It was like they were using DD to try get Lily to carry on with it and said that she’d take my DD as she was going anyway. But dd wanted to try it which was fine.

I told the mum I would struggle to take her/them on that day myself for various reasons and she said it’s fine she’ll take Dd.

fast forward she took DD one week, DD actually enjoyed it and dd said she wanted to go again.

it was cancelled one week and the next time she asked if I could take them. I said sorry no my partner was at work that day , it was a school day, my son has a severe disability and by the time he got back from school (minibus) it would be a push (do-able but a massive rush) and tbh I didn’t want to take ds, he might become overwhelmed. She was fully aware I could not take them. i reminded her that she said she’d take them. I fit any clubs for dd around my partners work hours so one of us will take her and the other stay home with ds or she will do within school clubs.

Anyway , she decided not to speak to me for 2 weeks because I wouldn’t take them and she wanted a break from taking her dd.

I feel like I’ve been used for one trying to get Lily to keep going by using DD, 2 to take them which I never agreed to.

she’s now saying Lily is taking another friend and they are gona alternate weeks. It’s not like at any point I said that I could take them.

dd is upset. Although she is not overly bothered by the club itself and isn’t fussed on going - we are gonna sign her up for something else at the weekend she’ll enjoy and trying to get her into a swimming club (which she loves) , but she’s upset that she feels like she’s been pushed aside. The other day Lily’s mum said to dd if you want to come you’ll mum will have to bring you as we go with someone else now.

am I just over thinking this? I don’t think I’m the problem when I never said I’d take them at any point. That day and time, mixed in with my son is not suitable.

i am kinda relieved. I don’t think dd was fussed anyway, there was tears afterwards. Dd has additional needs and she struggles to say no to people and felt pressurised to go. I was very similar as a child and I’m trying to build her confidence.

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 24/04/2023 08:30

You're not in the wrong at all, and I'd be really miffed at the other parent approaching my child to continue to hit the point home about her not attending.

I think if lily's mum spoke to my DD again about it in any way I'd have to say something and tell her to back off.

Seems like she was hoping to force a lift share type situation on you and when it didn't work has moved onto the next victim.

Notimeforaname · 24/04/2023 08:34

The woman is a weirdo. Dont give her any more of your time. Your child will be much better off away from them as much as possible.

Babsexxx · 24/04/2023 08:35

The other parent needs to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 08:40

Thank you. I am neurodivergent and was starting to panic that I was in the wrong and I wasn’t sure. The mum is very needy in general. I’ve noticed she changes her friends a lot (I wouldn’t even consider her a friend as such), she becomes too needy and goes onto the next person when they get sick of it and repeat with the next person. I will offer to help people as much as poss but I cannot tolerate overly needy people and find it really hard to deal with needy!

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 24/04/2023 08:50

Have a nice chat with your DD, reassure her she hasn't done anything wrong, real friends don't treat each other like that and ask her to tell you if she gets any more pressure/comments and you will sort it.

Kids become much more confident and likely to tell you about any problems (rather than bottling it up) if they know they can rely on you to have their back.

You've done nothing wrong OP and the other mum sounds like a massive pain!

justlurkinghere · 24/04/2023 09:06

You made it clear you couldn't do transport from the start. Lily's mum should have known that. She was trying you on.
I wonder if she told Lily to find a friend to go with her for the purpose of ride sharing with another parent?

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/04/2023 09:09

Is Lily a close friend? Is it possible to focus on other friendships?

Original poster
User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 09:34

snitzelvoncrumb · 24/04/2023 09:09

Is Lily a close friend? Is it possible to focus on other friendships?

She is yes but I do encourage other friendships! I don’t think Lily has many other friends but dd tends to be friends with most of the girls in her class.

OP posts:
50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 24/04/2023 09:38

You are unreasonable, in that you should have just said no. You said that the activity was not even physically suitable for your child, plus you can't bring her there, and she didn't even really want to go. You knew all along that they were trying to use your DD to help theirs.
It should not have been a surprise to you that they would act badly if you got to an arrangement with them. Your mistake was making that arrangement, even though you already knew it was a bad idea on all fronts.

SD1978 · 24/04/2023 09:44

Lilly's mum is in the wrong here for me. They encouraged strongly your daughter to attend a club you were very open about you not being able to fully reciprocate taking the kids to depending on your partners work. She obviously assumed a one week each approach and she's gotten miffed that you have continued to say that can't happen.

Fromage · 24/04/2023 09:58

Well doesn't Lily's mum sound like an absolute peach.

I wouldn't dream of asking the parent of a child with a severe disability to share lifts unless I was certain it would be no trouble. Lily's mum knew at the offset you would find it difficult to take dd there and back, and she rode roughshod over this. What a twit. That she has found another child, with a parent who can help her - not her daughter, but HER - says tonnes. And what she then said to dd was vile, imo.

I suspect Lily's mum just wanted someone to share the lifts too.

Hope your dd enjoys her new swimming club.

LakeTiticaca · 24/04/2023 10:12

I would be furious if a grown adult had pressured my child into something she didn't really want.
Get her signed up for something that she is really interested in and let Lily and her mother get on with it!!

MrsCharlesFrere · 24/04/2023 10:15

Lily's mum sounds horrific.
Why would she treat a child so callously?

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 24/04/2023 10:25

LakeTiticaca · 24/04/2023 10:12

I would be furious if a grown adult had pressured my child into something she didn't really want.
Get her signed up for something that she is really interested in and let Lily and her mother get on with it!!

I'd be more furious at myself for letting a grown adult pressurise my child (and me!) into anything.

inloveandmarried · 24/04/2023 10:42

We were used in a similar way decades ago for dance classes 25 mins drive away.

There are pushy self serving mothers out to make their lives easier and not giving a thought to others.

Her thought process would have been oh no, my daughter is not wanting to go to club and that's my quiet time to myself.

Then 'who can I encourage to go so my daughter will stay' , and I'll make it 'fair' so we share lifts. Perfect!

You were the most convenient person available. Nothing to do with friendships, or well-being of you or your daughter. Everything to do with the other mums convenience.

This other mother was one step worse and wanted me to take every week. Obnoxious daughter who stuck chewing gum to my walls....that all ended rapidly and she's never spoken to me again.

Blondewithredlips · 24/04/2023 11:20

Sorry this has happened to you both. You are not in the wrong. The mother sounder manipulative.

Original poster
User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 12:43

Thanks guys. I was worried that I would be slammed for not taking my daughter and friend to a club, but it was never that simple and she knew that and I had never said I would or could. She knows our home life isn’t always that easy!

OP posts:
Original poster
User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 12:48

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 24/04/2023 09:38

You are unreasonable, in that you should have just said no. You said that the activity was not even physically suitable for your child, plus you can't bring her there, and she didn't even really want to go. You knew all along that they were trying to use your DD to help theirs.
It should not have been a surprise to you that they would act badly if you got to an arrangement with them. Your mistake was making that arrangement, even though you already knew it was a bad idea on all fronts.

I do agree but in the end dd said she wanted to try it, I tried to discourage it but she was adamant on trying it and wasn’t overly keen and said she didn’t want to go back but felt pressurised again.

there was never an arrangement for me so take them, I always said I couldn’t do that day or time!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/04/2023 12:53

Lily’s Mum has tried to play you and your Dd like a fiddle.

She was banking on your Dd getting to want to go to the club once she’d tried it, or at least feeling pressured to keep going along, so that she could get a lift share. And I’m sure the lift share would have turned into you doing most if not all of the lifts.

This is when you’d specifically said you couldn’t take her at this time.

YANBU at all and neither is your Dd. It’s a shame Lily and her mum have messed with her emotions like this.

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 24/04/2023 12:54

Lily’s mum is a dick. I’m sorry for your DD. You sound like a lovely mum though xx

CuriousOranges · 24/04/2023 12:56

Not in the wrong. Lily’s mum sounds petty and immature

Hecatoncheires · 24/04/2023 13:02

Lily's mum is an arse. A mature adult would say that they've organised a lift share but that they appreciate your circumstances with your DS and so your 8-year old DD is very welcome to come along too without you having to do any of the driving.

Original poster
User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 13:27

Hecatoncheires · 24/04/2023 13:02

Lily's mum is an arse. A mature adult would say that they've organised a lift share but that they appreciate your circumstances with your DS and so your 8-year old DD is very welcome to come along too without you having to do any of the driving.

She did say this at the time but changed her mind very quickly. She really did say I’ll take her every week, I didn’t expect her to or ask to but they wanted dd to go and dd wanted to try it. But then expected me to do it when I said I couldn’t from the start I could not! It was just Lily and dd at the start, then when I couldn’t they’ve moved into the next person and rubbed it in DD’s face which has annoyed me more than anything.

the world of parenting and friends is tricky 😂

OP posts:
Hecatoncheires · 24/04/2023 16:08

@User5747373747392737 It surely is tricky! But have faith that you are doing well and it is not you in the wrong here. Your DD will bounce back as she has you as her lovely mum on her side.

snitzelvoncrumb · 25/04/2023 01:18

User5747373747392737 · 24/04/2023 09:34

She is yes but I do encourage other friendships! I don’t think Lily has many other friends but dd tends to be friends with most of the girls in her class.

Show quote history

Maybe do some play dates with other friends, give dd a break from lily.

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