To blame my mum for being a fat kid?

[AngryGreasedSantaCatcus]

I'll preface this by saying that looking back, I probably wasn't that big , but that's all I heard from other kids and her.

This was brought on by a discussion with a "friend" who said I'm still fat now (for real this time) so it's a me problem, rather than a parenting problem.

I'll bullet point some main bits to try and keep it short:

• rarely had breakfast or a snack for school (mostly jam croissants, biscuits, things similar to barney bears) and no school lunches so when I got home I was ravenous so I went for the easy and quick options with loads of bread.

• she owns up to this, and I remember it distinctively, she gave me some drops every morning for at least a year to increase my appetite because I wasn't eating much and caught all the bugs around. No idea if these were actually a thing or a placebo effect kind of thing.

• she told me how she was suicidal and wanted to jump out of the window because I wouldn't eat as a baby/toddler. I own up to the fact that i was quite fussy and still am .

• any attempts I made at being a bit more active were met with scoffs and ridicule. I couldn't have a bike because I was too clumsy and fat and I'd probably break it,couldn't go ice skating again for the same reasons and I'd probably break the ice, roller skates same reason. I did one session of karate and loved it, but because I forgot to do a piece of homework that night I was never allowed to go. She promised for years she would take me tennis and then I was too old to start so no point.

• all throughout this, years and years of name calling and put downs. You're as big as a wardrobe, I'll have to out a lock on the fridge, pretty face shame about the body, you're too fat to wear pretty clothes etc.

Due to my fussiness and being on my own a lot (since 6) I mostly made my own meals rather than heating up soup or whatever so I suppose I do have some responsibility.

But I also feel that as the responsible adult in charge she should've done more than just pointing it out and telling me to eat less. Which meant a lot of cycles of either starving myself or binge eating when I gave up and years of disordered all over the place eating.

Before anyone asks why I don't blame my dad, it's because he never commented on my weight unless she dragged him into it, he did make me breakfast on weekends , that first karate lesson was because he said yes and paid ,he's the ine that took me ice skating and generally was more involved and did things with me.I look back now and kicking myself because I probably would've got some of the things I asked for if I'd just went to him. Don't know why I never did.

So AIBU to think my mum majorly contributed to my weight issues as a child?
Or does the fact that I'm fat now means that it was me that was the problem?

I don’t think your weight is the major issue that comes out of that description for me. That’s just a side effect of the fact your child was neglectful and emotionally abusive. Have you had any therapy for that?

It was totally my mums fault I was a fat child.

She bought the food. She had an obsession with children looking “healthy”, ie, chubby.

She used to weigh me and wasn’t happy unless I was significantly over weight. My dad used to weigh me in the end, add a stone on and lie to her and tell me to keep quiet.

But then she would join in ridiculing me for how much I ate (she fed me and gave me the portions and made me finish it all) when my older half sisters used to take the piss.

She died when I was 11 and I dropped weight so fast. People said it was grief and stress. No, it’s because I wasn’t being forced to eat.

OP your mother sounds incredibly emotionally abusive. I’m sorry you went through that.

Does it really matter? She sounds a bit incapable and admits she struggled to parent you, your dad was part of that btw, you should ( if you want to appropriate blame ) include him, he stood by and allowed her to call you names.

The fact is, there comes a time where you need to take responsibility for your actions now as an adult, it doesn't help you to overcome the issue if you absolve yourself completely.

Sometimes we have to realise our parents could only do what they could with the knowledge and examples they grew up with.

That is such an odd thing for a parent to do, truly abusive and bizarre, I'm so sorry.

I think your dad was still to blame as well. Your mum was obviously emotionally abusive but your dad sat back and let it happen. That makes him lazy and/or weak.

In terms of being overweight now, why does it matter who is to 'blame'? If you want to lose weight then do so by eating a healthy balanced diet and being more active. You're an adult now and it's time to prove to yourself that you're capable of making the 'right' choices your parents obviously didn't make on your behalf as a child.

No good will come from blaming them for that fact you're overweight now.

Now you're an adult, you can treat yourself with the love and kindness you deserve. Prioritise your health. Find some exercises or sports you enjoy and make them part of your routine. Learn about good nutrition and portion sizes, eat in a way that nourishes you.

The drops she gave you would have been vitamin D drops which were and still are used for children who have a poor appetite. Nothing odd about them, they are harmless at the very least, and may help with picky eaters.

If you don't mind me sharing my own experience, I became aware that I used to overeat as a reaction to food scarecity/neglect as a child. I didn't know where my next meal was coming from and often didn't have lunch money. So I'd eat as much as possible when food was available. Its been a relearning process as an adult.

I’m not sure if it’s valuable to look back like this. You need to separate the parenting issue from the weight issue. The weight issue is now fixable and the parenting issue is not.

If you think your mum was horrible deliberately and is still a nasty person - then that is fine - you can take action accordingly. Perhaps low contact.

However, a lot of the shit food was totally normal and it is very difficult and frustrating to try and feed a child who is fussy. The food issues IMO do not automatically make her an awful parent. Fat jibes - again it was very normal (but perhaps not from one’s own mother) - and I agree hurtful - to comment on the weight/figure of girls. So this is a separate issue - which to deal with, you need to draw a line under the past, eat as well as you can and exercise so that you can fix it.

As often happens, this first comment sums things up very well.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus I am sorry your childhood was not more supportive.

That's why I specifically said as a child , I'm completely taking responsibility for the way I am now(even if my childhood and bullying still have an impact )and I have been making small changes that are (so fucking) slowly working.

I think you need to ask yourself the question why you feel someone has to be blamed. I mean that genuinely - what difference do you think it would make if you could blame her...or could not blame her.

God,this x 100.

It sounds like being overweight as a child was the least of your worries. Your mum was emotionally abusive, probably had poor MH and her own trauma to deal with. Whilst it doesn't make it better there was less support and information around for parents then and she has admitted to struggling.

As for being fat now, you are in charge of what and how much you eat and how much movement you do although old habits are hard to change especially if you have had them since childhood.

For your own wellbeing, don't blame any one it won't do any good, forgive and move on. Either with your mum as part of your life or not. As part of that I would look up all those activities you wanted to do and pick them up as an adult, it'll contribute to weight loss and a new healthier lifestyle and set a good example for any children you may have.

Sadly overweight children often become overweight adults.

And no, the responsibility is not totally on you for being fat now. Yes, you now have control of your diet and exercise levels and so can make healthy changes. But there is scientific evidence showing that it is much harder for people who were overweight as children to maintain a healthy weight as adults (something to do with number of fat cells or something like that).

Unfortunately your parents' actions in your childhood (and I agree with pp, your dad is not blameless, he should have tried harder for you) have made it harder for you as an adult, though clearly how you respond to this is under your control.

Your mother was abusive.

Yes, it was her fault in my opinion.

G.P said to me, when DD was small that what you give her now will dictate what she goes on eat going forward. (We were worried she wasn’t eating much). She’s fine now. So I think it’s ok to blame your mum a bit for your issues now too. Yes you have responsibility too, but how you were raised is bound to affect you now.

There's no way I'd pick those up now. Just like I can't go to therapy. Massive mental block ,which I rationally know is stupid, but emotionally I just can't do it.

However, I still swim and love it, which was another thing she always tried to stop or limit me from doing , but with holidays with other people and access to lakes/rivers I could side step it and didn't need funding or permission.

See, that's the thing... I can accept I was fat, that I ate the wrong things and I was difficult to deal with and parent. But if i was so big and it was such an issue why did she always stop me from doing things that would have helped, especially when I actually had an interest in them. We weren't poor either, so it wasn't even a cost issue. That's what I don't get.

I agree with this. I had just had EMDR for cPTSD and it has been so helpful.

Some people get really stuck on unfairnesses of the past

if you can’t move on from this, then it would be a good idea to speak to a psychologist, go for a few sessions at least, work through this

what s really important is the here and now. Where you are now, if you are happy with who you are and how you look, your weight, and what you might like to change

i know a few people in their 40s and 50s who are angry about things their parents did, and almost unable to move on (one friend who is 50 who wanted to be a ballet dancer, but wasn’t encouraged enough by her mum. She has never found a job she loved, and that is her mums fault. Just an example. She can’t move on)

so work through it and find a way of letting go and look at the “now”

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus I know (now) the reason I wasn't allowed to really do activities was because of my dad's very poor mental health and paranoia, it was something we were shielded from and just thought my parents were incredibly unfair.

How were your grandparents towards your mother? Generally (before Internet influence was a thing) parents parented with how they were parented or what the norm for their friendship group was.

Because everything always was (and still is sometimes ) my fault. I didn't eat enough,I ate too much, I was too lazy , I was too tom boyish aka active, I went outside playing too much, I stayed inside reading too much and so on.

Yes, as an adult I know that's bullshit. Rationally, I know it's bullshit. But again, emotionally it's another issue and as needy and childish as it sound it helps when I'm really low or memories hit me to be told or remind myself that I wasn't that bad. That I wasn't solely responsible. That I was good enough, or at least should've been.

Fuck.. sorry for brain dumping on you.

You were just a child
of course it was not your fault!

blaming your mother may not be helpful though. But blaming yourself even less helpful

you are not to blame.

You are suffering and reeling from an ongoing trauma and dysfunctional relationship with food. Your parents were both emotionally and physically abusive. Your dad for enabling and not protecting you . Your mum for for the words, her actions. And her not letting you do stuff. You were the child, it is firmly at their door. But now, yes you are " responsible" I put that in air marks as you are still in that trauma mode around food. You didn't have control over your life, so you have learned maladaptive coping mechanisms. It's not your fault. Again therapy would be great maybe you will have to learn how to parent yourself. It's not easy. Its not a quick fix but you are taking steps by acknowledging where it came from. Be angry it's ok, cry it's ok, grieve for that child. Eating is a complicated issue for many, but punishing yourself by doing a restrictive diet will not help. 💐💗🌻

You seem really hard on yourself. It is very very difficult to not be overweight as an adult if you were as a child. Your mum seems very nasty and abusive. And your friend doesn't seem much kinder tbh. I think you should be a whole lot kinder to yourself. You can make the changes as an adult but there's probably a lot of childhood issues and trauma to overcome.