To blame my mum for being a fat kid?

[AngryGreasedSantaCatcus]

I'll preface this by saying that looking back, I probably wasn't that big , but that's all I heard from other kids and her.

This was brought on by a discussion with a "friend" who said I'm still fat now (for real this time) so it's a me problem, rather than a parenting problem.

I'll bullet point some main bits to try and keep it short:

• rarely had breakfast or a snack for school (mostly jam croissants, biscuits, things similar to barney bears) and no school lunches so when I got home I was ravenous so I went for the easy and quick options with loads of bread.

• she owns up to this, and I remember it distinctively, she gave me some drops every morning for at least a year to increase my appetite because I wasn't eating much and caught all the bugs around. No idea if these were actually a thing or a placebo effect kind of thing.

• she told me how she was suicidal and wanted to jump out of the window because I wouldn't eat as a baby/toddler. I own up to the fact that i was quite fussy and still am .

• any attempts I made at being a bit more active were met with scoffs and ridicule. I couldn't have a bike because I was too clumsy and fat and I'd probably break it,couldn't go ice skating again for the same reasons and I'd probably break the ice, roller skates same reason. I did one session of karate and loved it, but because I forgot to do a piece of homework that night I was never allowed to go. She promised for years she would take me tennis and then I was too old to start so no point.

• all throughout this, years and years of name calling and put downs. You're as big as a wardrobe, I'll have to out a lock on the fridge, pretty face shame about the body, you're too fat to wear pretty clothes etc.

Due to my fussiness and being on my own a lot (since 6) I mostly made my own meals rather than heating up soup or whatever so I suppose I do have some responsibility.

But I also feel that as the responsible adult in charge she should've done more than just pointing it out and telling me to eat less. Which meant a lot of cycles of either starving myself or binge eating when I gave up and years of disordered all over the place eating.

Before anyone asks why I don't blame my dad, it's because he never commented on my weight unless she dragged him into it, he did make me breakfast on weekends , that first karate lesson was because he said yes and paid ,he's the ine that took me ice skating and generally was more involved and did things with me.I look back now and kicking myself because I probably would've got some of the things I asked for if I'd just went to him. Don't know why I never did.

So AIBU to think my mum majorly contributed to my weight issues as a child?
Or does the fact that I'm fat now means that it was me that was the problem?

I was obese by the age of 7, I just ate what my parents gave me as I knew no different at that age. The school reported by weight to the "school doctor" who called us in and instructed my mother to put me on a strict diet. Of course she did, basically salad for every meal, whilst my parents and brothers continued to eat crap food (chips with everything, takeaways, etc) but I could only watch, feeling more and more aggrieved! So, I started buying things from the school tuck shop to make me feel better and "rebel". Of course, school reported that too, so another bollocking from the school doctor! All that did was push my eating "underground", and that's something I've been troubled with ever since, throughout my adult life. I "behave" in public and with family, but as soon as I'm on my own, I binge. Due to the weight, I was horrendously bullied in school and left without any qualifications!

Oh I've stopped doing restrictive diets a while ago because I simply couldn't keep it up. It just made me feel poorly and miserable. Doesn't help that food actually,genuinely makes me happy. You know a kid with the latest doll or lego set ,that has the hugest smile and can't stop talking about it? That's me with food.

The only times I significantly lost weight and it stayed mostly off were on some chinese pills , a bout of depression when I simply didn't eat much if at all for weeks and when pregnant because again, I barely ate and when I did I threw it back up.

So I changed my goal to instead not getting any bigger. Be active at a level I'm comfortable with, but still be active and instead of restricting try every day to eat less than I normally would , particularly the "bad" stuff like bread. It's very slow going but i did lose 10kgs so even if I plateau, I still reached my goal and went over it plus I'm actually comfortable with living/eating like this so it feels doable and not so much like a chore.

I still end up binge eating every now and then though.

I'm so sorry you went through that and the ling term implications, including your education, at least at that point.

Parents are almost always to blame for children being overweight. Blaming your Dad over your Mum isn't quite right. He should have stepped in, sorted out your diet, taken you to sport, made you active and ultimately have left your Mum for being unable to care for you. If I were you I would firstly have some counselling. Build up your self esteem and then work out how to improve your fitness and diet. You are now the one in charge. Of course it's going to be harder because You're working from a harder starting point than if you were fit and slim but now it is up to you entirely.
No one else can do it for you but you. And you all feel amazing for any improvements you make. Small steps will lead to huge impact. By a Fitbit or equivalent. Start walking 500 more steps every day until you do at least 10,000. Get one of the fitness apps to work out how many calories you're eating a day and gradually reduce it until you are on 1800. Little sustainable swaps. My best friend has just done this over 2 years and is now so so much happier. Go for it!

Your childhood was neglectful.

My family used to feed me up, encourage lots of extra portions, fried food, existed on burgers and chips. We never had meals or salad or even pasta l, ir was always burger chips and beans and roasts. I was fat as a child, chubby as a preteen and have become a slim adult.

So yes, your parents were neglectful. Yes, it's hard to change habits. But I think eep down maybe you've decided that it's her fault and you cant lose weight until she owns up to her faults,.like you can only be slim and healthy when she fixes the past.

It's not like that. If you want to lose weight you can. The past will never change. Some parents arent good parents but you can have a better relationship as adults if you cam get past that. Not everyone can.

I have to be so I get less blindsided and hurt, just like I had to be as a teen and knew all the fat jokes and most of the time said them first, plus being funny made me more socially acceptable.

It doesn't always work of course, as evidenced by this thread as that conversation did upset me and brought a lot of shit back.

I'll never be slim, but I'll settle for healthyish, fitish and no bigger than I am now. If I keep going down that's an added happy bonus and it is a consideration, just not the goal.

Your mum was useless and neglectful, that's pretty clear. If she's still critical and horrible, why not lower contact? Do the bare minimum, call on Christmas and mother's day, and fuck her and your dad. You reap what you sow sometimes. Once you do that, you'll have the headspace to heal and look after yourself.

(NC for this)

OP I'm absolutely certain that the way my mother was with me food wise has essentially screwed me up.

I remember my mum being on a diet when I was three, (my sister had just been born) and shes pretty much been one ever since. At 8 years old she took me to the Dr's because I was fat (I definitely wasn't) and asked if she should limit me to 1000 calories a day - he said no but she watched my eating like a hawk.

Throughout my childhood, adolescence and teens I developed dreadful habits, and those habits got worse; I went from a healthy active child to eventually hitting 27 stone.

It's taken years to undo all the screwed up thinking and although I have to shoulder
the responsibility for my adult weight issues, I am certain that those early experiences have played a significant part in all of the food related issues I have.

I think both of your parents let you down by not providing you with enough food or nutritious food.

Deprivation and food insecurity often causes adults to have food issues especially binging or hoarding food.

Her comments will also have left a scar and lots of shame that may have pushed you further into a negative relationship with food.

I get why you don't blame your dad but tbh doing a few things but not pushing for you to have breakfast EVERY day and get to go to karate again means he let you down too.

I think our parents behaviours often is what leads us to have the issues we have.

Clearly, you being underweight at one point has led her to overfeeding you. There was no need to tell you she was suicidal- that’s not your fault. It does sound as if she has a lot to do with your weight issues. Lots of parents do seem to keep their kids slightly chubby to show they aren’t being underfed.

That's Ok that is the point - we all want to help you process this. You were a child - parents are meant to be guiding and caring for their children and unfortunately it sounds like your mum failed. Give yourself permission to forgive whatever part you think you had in this because at the end of the day its not your fault. You can think back to that little girl and tell her how sad and sorry you feel she did not get the support she needed - but also tell her she can be proud because you are leaving the past in the past and being the adult she want to be now.

The thing is I don't think I was ever underweight, especially looking back at pictures. Yes i was skinny and small and you could see my ribs , but that's fairly normal. In group pictures I'm very much average compared to the other kids. I was happy, active, learning etc. I was quite sickly (catching colds and bugs), especially if away from home.

I just didn't need to eat much or like the food that much. It was mostly as a baby anyways that she said those things about as I didn't drink enough milk, but given the fact that my birth mother starved herself to hide her pregnancy and then not regularly fed in the hospital where she left me (I'm adopted) it makes sense that I wouldn't need much.

The things is, it's all irrelevant.

If she was worried about my undereating , why call me names and tell me to eat less? If she was worried about me overeating, why not help and support with that and why actively ruin my attempt at being more active and healthy?

That's what I don't understand.

Same with bread. Every meal I had with them I was given big chunks of fluffy,white,yummy bread. Encouraged to eat it as a snack, especially if fresh and still warm. I liked it as it could hide the taste if I didn't particularly like the food and filled me up .That went on until I left home.Now she tells me I have to give up bread , it's bad and terrible and the worst thing and somehow has convinced herself I eat a loaf of bread a day. ( I honestly don't)The cognitive dissonance is mind boggling.