DB smoking weed at DM’s house where she wants to babysit

[EdinburghAnon163]

DB lives at home with DM: cannabis addict, never lived independently, doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t help around DM’s house. In short, an influence I do not want on my 7yo DS, the opposite of how I want him to grow up.

However, DM has DS after school to hers for tea while I work, once a week, for years. She also smokes - tobacco only.

Agreement was there was to be no smoking of any kind in the house while DS was there and there is no paraphernalia around the house, only in DB’s room, which is kept locked and DS never allowed in. DM and DB love DS and they have good relationships.

This was fine, until recently we walked past some teens smoking weed and DS said “that smells like Uncle X room”…

I raised this as a concern with DM who, after a second prompt, spoke to DB, who said he promised not to smoke while DS is there and that they would febreeze his room more often (!) I said DH and I would speak to DB as well ourselves. To me this means that he has been smoking while DS was there and they don’t see it as a big problem.

DM has flown off the handle, told me “no more talking” and to put DS in after school club. She was extremely rude and petulant to me, stating that I’ve “set” DH on DB, when it was a joint discussion we weren’t happy with the turn of events.

AIBU and WWYD? I want my DM to look after DS… but I don’t think this is a good environment for him… I’m reeling from the way she has reacted, I’m shocked by the immaturity of the behaviour and general lack of understanding. I’m sure she feels guilty and really upset at the thought of not babysitting each week but it’s like she wants to make this a rift in our relationship because she is terrible at conflict resolution. It’s easier to blame me.

We plan to speak to DB anyway and clear up this idea that I’m being the bad guy. WWYD?

Ultimately I do want her to babysit him but it’s my DB’s life choices that are the problem, it’s very painful.

Imo...there's no point in discussing with DB. He won't change.

That house is not a good environment for your DS. I'd never leave him there again. A weed habit can be life destroying, I've seen it in my own family. I'd never risk that for my child.

Also the second hand smoke (both tobacco and the other) won't be good for him either.

You're not entitled to babysitting, and you're not entitled for them to change their lifestyles. You can remain friendly with your family without the babysitting

Not smoking in the house 1 day out of 7 isn't really going to make a difference regarding the smell of tobacco/weed. The smell lingers.

You can't really dictate what others do in their own homes.
Can your mum mind your DC in your home?

Whilst you’re getting free childcare you can’t dictate what other people do in their homes, so if you can’t trust your dh, you have to look for alternative childcare.

That doesn’t mean I’d be happy with the situation, I’d be upset that my mum had taken by dbs side over my child but it is what it is. You have the choice here.

His room will smell of weed regardless of whether he smokes when your child is there. As will his clothes and all his possessions as he's a heavy user. The stench really lingers!

definitely take him out of that environment and put him in the ASC

I don't know why you thought your son being in that house was a good idea. The only option is after school club or your mum looks after him at your house. Keep your kids away from smokers and especially those who smoke weed. It has a reputation for being harmless and yes for some it might be but for some it is an awful drug.

Let me clarify - I don’t use her for free babysitting as a need, rather because I think it’s nice for DS and DM who doesn’t work and has very little social life. Picking him up from school is something she enjoys and I think it’s good for her. So you see, I feel very guilty and sad and even though my DH is equal with me on this, I will be seen as the bad guy, stopping DS going round.

Can she mind him at your house?

I don't get the impression you are just after free childcare for DM but like that they have that time together and it sounds like they did too.

As pp have said your DB is very unlikely to change and even if he wasn't smoking while DS in the house his room is still likely to stink of it for a good while.

It's very sad but your DM must find it too hard to deal with DB and is taking it out on you. That's not fair or nice for you but it's not uncommon and it is what it is. I would do as she suggested to protect my DC.

That was my first suggestion which she ignored. I work from home so it wouldn’t be ideal but it’s the only solution I can see. However, she’s been so nasty to me over this situation that it’s almost put me off her babysitting at all! I’ve been upset for days since we last spoke. I guess I can only continue trying to be the bigger person and resolve this, or just do nothing and let all the relationships suffer until she possibly eventually gets in touch and acts like nothing happened.

im dealing with very difficult people here 😕

I guess I can only continue trying to be the bigger person and resolve this, or just do nothing and let all the relationships suffer until she possibly eventually gets in touch and acts like nothing happened.

I think you've answered your own question. Do nothing, keep it friendly but don't send your DS there. Your mum will eventually come round and start seeing DS at yours, perhaps. It'll resolve itself.

What won't work (imo) is you and your DH going round having dramatic confrontations with everyone.

Well does your dh have a habit of being intimidating. It seems from her reaction that you threatening chats between your DB and DH is the main issue here. Something has clearly been triggered. Does he have a reputation for being a bit of a bully?

Just put your ds in after school club, your mum is done with being told how to live in her own house and is fed up with continuous accusations on your DB. The house will stink of it if he smokes it inside whether he does it when your ds is there or not.

Fair enough you don't want him round it, I wouldn't either, so I wouldn't send him into a house where people smoked and did drugs the other 6 and a half days of the week.

If she smokes indoors, then your son is exposed to toxic chemicals in her house. These will have permeated furnishings, carpets, clothing, walls etc.
The weed smoked by your brother will also get into everything, even if he's not smoking at the time.
Don't let your son go there. Let her come to yours to see him (air herself outdoors fir 20mins after a ciggy before coming in).
Or after school club.

I think the more you say the more clear it is your son shouldn't be going to your mum's. It might be good for her but it isn't for him and he's the priority.

This. But also I feel sorry for your mum.

You might find she never approached the subject with your DB which may explain her reaction.

Someone with a cannabis addiction can be a lose wire with responses I've been subject to it myself by ny own DB and with psychosis.

I would not be sending my child there regardless you cannot get the smell of weed out its as clear as day even with febreeze!

Don’t feel guilty for not wanting your child’s health compromised. Your mother has also told you to put him in after school club so follow her instructions and take it at face value. If she loses the nice aspects of her life it’s her own fault as she’s instructed this, and inform her so when she complains.

She cares more about mollycoddling her loser son than she cares about safely seeing her grandchild, and unfortunately you don’t so turns the breaks.

If you don't agree with what they do in their home don't send him? Pretty simple

If she wants to see your DS she needs to come to your house, end of.
If she loves your DS she wouldn't want him exposed to smoke, now would.she.
And repeat repeat repeat

No my DH absolutely doesn’t have this reputation!! He’s a kind and lovely man who I’ve been with for 17 years! Frankly it’s bizarre that my mother reacted like that and it really upset me. I think she is genuinely afraid of just talking about this issue.

I think people are right though, I would never have put my DS in this situation with anyone else. I just desperately wanted to believe them and give my DM a chance. She’s so blind to the fact that no one else smokes indoors and the general attitude to all smoking these days 😕

If he smokes weed regularly, his room will have that smell regardless of wether he is actively smoking at the time.

you can ask them not to smoke and hope they stick to it. But if it bothers you, then don’t send him for babysitting.

your mum is fine to also assert her own boundaries for her home. If you have asked and she has accepted to keep needling her and then sending your DH to do the same is overkill.

she is right to end the arrangement because it’s not working. And why should she be constantly berated when she’s doing you a favour!

have them over for visits to see ds and that’s it. Then you don’t need to worry about what they’re doing at home.

Ah. I didn’t think of that. You may be right that she didn’t speak to him. It would make sense

Tbh its highly likely they haven't been lying to you and your DB hasn't been smoking in the house with him there. The stuff clings to everything! You only have to walk past the room of someone who regularly smokes weed (or tobacco) inside it and you will smell it strongly, they don't have to be smoking it at time.

I wouldn't approach it from a 'you lied' perspective as you don't actually know. Just say your ds mentioned the smell, you have and a rethink and aren't going to continue sending him into a house where drugs are regularly used. Send him to afterschool club and they can visit ds at your house in future.

Lots of good points thanks, but “consistently berated” is not a good characterisation of 2 talks about it.

You child's well-being comes first. End if. Do not let him anywhere near her home.
If she really cared about him she would not want him to be there herself.