DB smoking weed at DM’s house where she wants to babysit

[EdinburghAnon163]

DB lives at home with DM: cannabis addict, never lived independently, doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t help around DM’s house. In short, an influence I do not want on my 7yo DS, the opposite of how I want him to grow up.

However, DM has DS after school to hers for tea while I work, once a week, for years. She also smokes - tobacco only.

Agreement was there was to be no smoking of any kind in the house while DS was there and there is no paraphernalia around the house, only in DB’s room, which is kept locked and DS never allowed in. DM and DB love DS and they have good relationships.

This was fine, until recently we walked past some teens smoking weed and DS said “that smells like Uncle X room”…

I raised this as a concern with DM who, after a second prompt, spoke to DB, who said he promised not to smoke while DS is there and that they would febreeze his room more often (!) I said DH and I would speak to DB as well ourselves. To me this means that he has been smoking while DS was there and they don’t see it as a big problem.

DM has flown off the handle, told me “no more talking” and to put DS in after school club. She was extremely rude and petulant to me, stating that I’ve “set” DH on DB, when it was a joint discussion we weren’t happy with the turn of events.

AIBU and WWYD? I want my DM to look after DS… but I don’t think this is a good environment for him… I’m reeling from the way she has reacted, I’m shocked by the immaturity of the behaviour and general lack of understanding. I’m sure she feels guilty and really upset at the thought of not babysitting each week but it’s like she wants to make this a rift in our relationship because she is terrible at conflict resolution. It’s easier to blame me.

We plan to speak to DB anyway and clear up this idea that I’m being the bad guy. WWYD?

Ultimately I do want her to babysit him but it’s my DB’s life choices that are the problem, it’s very painful.

Wow, no way. YANBU !!!

Is there anyway your mum could look at your son after school on this day at your house instead?

In these situations it is much more important to put your own child first rather than the feelings of extended family members

Put your son in after school club

I'm not the PP who used the phrase constantly berated, but in your OP you wrote "the agreement was..." which implies you've already been placing restrictions and requirements about how DM and DB use their own home.

Both of these things can be true:

• I disapprove of people smoking (weed or tobacco) indoors; I don't want my child to be around that; I don't want my child to think a weed habit is normal [I myself feel agree very very strongly with these sentiments]

• it's not ok to tell people how to behave in their own home, repeatedly, using one's DH to join in the confrontations

This doesn't have to cause a rift in your family if you don't want it to. You can keep being friendly with your mum and bro, just stop the babysitting (it's your mum who's suggested it stopping so you're not The Bad Guy, whatever that means). Eventually, your mum will probably miss your son and suggest coming round to yours regularly. In the short term, you can be proactive with inviting DM/DB to see him in the park, at the cinema etc.

I wonder if, deep down, you're hoping you can get your DM and DB to change their smoking habits, and you're using your son to try and do that. You can't change them so don't do that.

This is just my opinion - I do have similar experiences/relatives that I'm drawing from

Yeah I can see where you’re coming from. But we had a conversation about ground rules / approaches when he first started going there at age 1. And now this issue has raised its head we have attempted to have a second conversation.

the reason DH was going to speak to him is that my DB responds better to him. As someone above has said, he is a live wire and likely to be aggressive to me whereas he will be more reasonable to my DH. Years of difficult childhood / teen experiences together.

my mother was very accusative to me when I last attempted to speak to her. I also have dealt with years of criticisms towards me from her. This is where the bad guy thing comes from.

I’d love my brother to change his habits but am not naive enough to think this will ever happen now! I’ve accepted my mother will never stop smoking.

The more I explain it all the more it’s clear I should never have sent him there in the first place. But I thought it could work and maybe we could have the happy family setup.

I guess it’s right I need to accept that’s not going to happen, put him in ASC and trust that things will work themselves out. It’s pretty hard to trust really but there you go.

We had exactly this situation with my brother in law and mother in law's house. We stopped the kids from going round there because of it. Acknowledged to her that it was up to her what went on in her house and up to us what we exposed our kids to. After us standing firm on it for a few weeks she did speak to her other son and stopped him from smoking weed in her house so he used to stand at the bottom of the garden instead. We were ok with this. The kids didn't go near him when he did it and now they're older they think he's an absolute loser anyway.

Wow thank you for replying it’s so useful to hear someone else’s experience.

i don’t think DB will stop smoking there but maybe one day he could eventually move out. Maybe!

As harsh as it sounds it’s reassuring to me that your kids think DBIL is a complete loser, that’s exactly what I need DS to think long term.

I wonder if the other thing contributing is that your mum has spent decades now protecting and enabling his addiction. I cannot imagine that she typically places any boundaries in their relationship given his living circumstances. That likely goes some way to explaining her reaction - much emotionally easier to blow up at you than to emotionally confront what's going on with your brother.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. To me the way my DB has gone is a huge shame and painful situation. But she just buries her head in the sand. And unfortunately I can’t go along with the charade that it’s ok any more. But I feel that she will be the one to suffer most from it.

I get the impression that possibly your B is controlling your DM. Looking ahead what happens when your DM gets older, he isnt going to be able or willing to care for her. How does he get money for weed?

Regarding your son, he is basically in a house daily with a drug addict, I wouldn't do it, sorry.

Meant to ask, do you think DB is scared of him?

Your DM and DB sound horrible and are obviously not sticking to the agreement. Personally I would not let me son go there. He should be your priority not that pair of controlling idiots.

It was once a week not daily, but it’s a valid point.

DB does work and it’s unsociable hours. So it’s even more ridiculous that he doesn’t pay rent. Completely enabled by DM.

It’s funny because I was reflecting on whether DM is afraid of him before you messaged and sadly I think she probably is on some level. He’s not aggressive to her although he was as a teenager. They just muddle along and pretend everything is fine.

Dont get me started on what will happen as she gets older, she’s not young now. It’s an enormous worry to me. I’ve just been having a look at other threads and I think I can only let them do what they choose to do and be there to help when there’s eventually a crisis. I can’t talk to them as this experience has sadly shown.

When my daughter was pregnant I gave up cigarettes.
Your mum has that option. Your brother is a drug addict. There is absolutely no way I would have a child in that environment. Book after school care if you need to and make it clear your mum is welcome to visit, but you will not have your child in the house with smokers.

if you think she is showing irrational paranoia, then she is probably smoking weed herself, too

I highly doubt that but the idea that passive smoke has affected her has crossed my mind more than once. However I think she’s more afraid of the emotional fallout the conversation would cause… probably

Does your mother rent her home or own it? If she rents she could end the tenancy and get a smaller place potentially to get away from your brother. If she owns it, he may well stick it out and insist on inheriting it one day

My guess is, she's taken it personally as an attack on her parenting and "failing" in her raising of your DB, and that your natural concern for your ds's health shes hearing as shes putting your son at risk/in danger. She may also feel you're criticising her own ds, who shes fiercely protective of as his mother. She's overreacting, but is high on the defensive.

Put ds in after-school club. No smoking there.

This, her defensiveness is because she has put her grandson at risk because of her and DBs habits, I doubt she had a conversation with him at all and your standards highlight her own poor behaviour and parenting.

Put him in the ASC, she can come round to see him or take him out but that house is not a health environment for a child.

This seems very likely. I was thinking along these lines but you've expressed it perfectly.