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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if my (just) 13 yr old DS is immature or if this is the norm?

69 replies

rainagainsthepane · 23/04/2023 07:50

Namechanged for this as potentially outing.

DS, just 13, has been hanging out with new friends. Nice boys, happy for him etc. But when he's with them around me, he acts up towards me. Anything to make them laugh. Calling me 'bruh' 🙄. Managed to find a (mild) sexual innuendo in something I innocently said.

It's annoying as hell. He becomes a bit of a dick, tbh. I am sure it's from a place of insecurity, new friends, trying to impress and find his place. I totally get that. But I worry that whilst they laugh, it will become annoying to them.

I do sense him being a bit much with his friends. But I guess given he's my only boy, I have no idea if this is normal? If he's just a bit immature? And should I talk to him about it, or will that just make him feel even more self-conscious?

OP posts:

Genie321 · 23/04/2023 09:30

ThatshallotBaby · 23/04/2023 08:23

When I give 13yo ds his tea he says cheers boss

Love it!

JMSA · 23/04/2023 09:30

The smug posts 🙄
The behaviour outlined in the OP and other posts doesn't make them bad kids. I'm sure they have their lovely moments too!

LondonJax · 23/04/2023 09:30

I have a 15 year old and work in a secondary school.

DS used to find it hilarious if we had sausages as, around the age of 12, he and his friends (boys and girls) would double up if sausages were on the menu at school - 'x are you having sausage?' that sort of thing. It's funny in a Carry On sort of way so we would play along at home.

He soon learned what was giggle worthy and what was over the top. He and his friends are now the ones who say 'that's enough' to the lower school kids if they take a joke too far, so they've obviously learned what's funny and what's bordering rude/bullying etc.,

As far as the kids at school are concerned I do the same thing. Laugh at the mildly innuendo type ones first time round then say 'yes, it was very funny first time round. It's not anymore so pack it in now'.

As for the Bruh thing. The kids at school say it, I just reply in kind and then do the 'that's enough now' if they continue. And if they do the same after that I call them to one side and explain they need to learn when to stop and if I've asked them to stop, that's the point at which they do so.

Awrite · 23/04/2023 09:31

ShowOfHands · 23/04/2023 09:16

Don't panic @Awrite many teen boys remain utterly lovely throughout. My DD is in y11 and her best friends are all boys and to a person, kind and funny and respectful. They invite me to play chess and Scrabble with them, tell me about interesting things they've heard/read recently and are just polite and engaging young men. I teach them all as well and they're just a joy to be around. Undoubtedly, they have their moments but largely, they're fab.

Show quote history

Nice to read @ShowOfHands - your dd clearly has good taste in friends.

Easterfunbun · 23/04/2023 09:32

I have a lovely 13 year old son but if I ever DARE to go within three metres of any of his friends he refuses to look at me and when he does he looks angry. Odd creatures aren’t they? 🤦‍♀️.

shutthewindownow · 23/04/2023 09:35

Don't be afraid to tell him he is acting like a dick. Sounds as though he needs bringing down a peg or two.

User2538309 · 23/04/2023 09:51

ShowOfHands · 23/04/2023 08:59

I'm a teacher as well and some teenage boys are like this but not all of them, definitely not all of the time either. Most of them are respectful and kind and thoughtful ime. And from what you've said about other people's perceptions of your ds, I suspect he isn't really like this either. It's poor decision making, peer pressure and experimenting with who he is in one environment. It's completely normal.

I find it faintly hilarious when 13yr old boys - who usually sound like little farmers btw - suddenly turn on the "wagwan bruv" nonsense in front of their friends. Or call me mate or bruh. It's surprisingly easy to diffuse in the moment and when you follow up one on one, they're always contrite and embarrassed. It is normal group behaviour and they grow out of it, fear not. Underneath it, they're usually fantastic young people. Hold fast.

Such a lovely post. Hope my DC gets a teacher like you when he’s that age.

DonnaBanana · 23/04/2023 09:51

You must have lived a sheltered life, plenty of grown men are like that as well 😂

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 23/04/2023 09:54

Kevin the teenager, eat your heart out.

Up to, and including, the politeness to non-parents.

hoophoophooray · 23/04/2023 09:56

My son was 13 in March and this sounds exactly like him. I pull him up on the worst of it, whether his friends are there or not and he's quickly learning what is OK and what is not.

Also I saw him out in town with his mates and yelled WHATSUP BRO across the street and he nearly died of embarrassment. He's been a bit better since...

HelpMeGetThrough · 23/04/2023 10:00

"wagwan bruv"

That really means something to a teen doesn't it?

minmooch · 23/04/2023 13:04

I must be a terrible mother as I have called out my sons and their friends when they have been rude.

My youngest son wanted to go the cinema to watch a film. He wouldn't stand anywhere near me, make eye contact or speak to me. None of his friends there so no need to be embarrassed. I loudly said 'the young man over there is my son and despite his embarrassment I am his mother - just to clear it up". He did eventually laugh and never ignored me in public again.

One of his friends was in my car, I was giving them a lift somewhere. The friend was very derogatory about women drivers and how they shouldn't be allowed to drive big cars. We were in my big car at the time. I stopped the car and told him if he were ever rude about me, or women in general, then he'd never get a lift from me again. He was shocked but immediately apologised and to this day has never been rude to me again.

When the kids were smaller and had friends over - if the friends were rude to me, I'd give them a chance but if they continued I'd ring their parents to come and pick them up. They all came back many times over but were never rude to me again.

I don't think rudeness at any age is acceptable and I'd expect any other adult to have pulled up my sons in the same situation.

Easterfunbun · 23/04/2023 13:07

@minmooch

Theres a difference between being genuinely rude and typical teen boy behaviour though. My sons friend has a mum who pulls him on literally everything. I’ve seen it. He can’t breathe and he loves getting away from her.

WheelsUp · 23/04/2023 13:09

You've done well to get to age 13 before the slang slipped in. If you want to nip it in the bud, start using slang back to him. It won't be long before he agrees to use normal language in your presence.

HydrangeaFairy · 23/04/2023 13:11

rainagainsthepane · 23/04/2023 08:32

Interestingly, he's extremely polite with other parents. So much so, I get random texts from parents saying so and how they've just bumped into Ds and how engaging and polite he is etc...so i don't think it's a default for him. I think it's group nerves

That's all you need to know.
He is being 13. It's classic behaviour intended to impress friends. He will grow out of this very quickly. You have clearly brought him up well and he is just testing. I agree that a gentle chat about it away from his friends might help. I suspect he will be mortified.

minmooch · 23/04/2023 13:29

@Easterfunbun don't worry my lovely boys were able to be typical boys. I made plenty of allowances for teenage behaviour but rudeness always got pulled up on. There was a lot of honesty, love and humour navigating teen years. Plenty of tears too but those were for other tragic reasons.

Equalitea · 23/04/2023 20:40

Being a mum/step mum of boys (6 teens +) I’d say that it wouldn’t be normal for us. However in my experience as a teacher I’d say that it was neither common or uncommon, it does happen with some boys.

My sons show me respect in front of others and I think I’d pass out if one had made a sexual innuendo at 13 😅

I would have a chat with him and ask if he realised that he’s treating you this way and behaving this way, ask why and remind it’s not necessary, but rather better if he just is himself.

Createausername1970 · 23/04/2023 20:48

Completely normal here.

First time I ignored it till his friends had gone and said that was ridiculous, I am not happy, don't do it again. He apologised - and then did it again another time. I called him out on it in front of his friends, much to his embarrassment.
It kind of stopped after that.

Its boundary testing.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 23/04/2023 20:54

Both my kids call their dad and me ‘bruh’ all the time.
It drives him round the bend, though I don’t really see it as cheek so much as a bit of camaraderie, or maybe I’ve developed immunity to the many shades of shit they’ve hit out with over the years 🤪

I haven’t read every reply but you made an interesting point about how he might be laying it on too thick and the mates might turn. I’ve seen this happen, teens do seem to sense social desperation.

So I’d say just that to him (not the desperation bit, the bit about not going on-stage like The Great Banterino every chance he gets) Self awareness is a good skill to learn as early as possible. Has he seen The Inbetweeners? Don’t be Jay!

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