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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if my (just) 13 yr old DS is immature or if this is the norm?

69 replies

rainagainsthepane · 23/04/2023 07:50

Namechanged for this as potentially outing.

DS, just 13, has been hanging out with new friends. Nice boys, happy for him etc. But when he's with them around me, he acts up towards me. Anything to make them laugh. Calling me 'bruh' 🙄. Managed to find a (mild) sexual innuendo in something I innocently said.

It's annoying as hell. He becomes a bit of a dick, tbh. I am sure it's from a place of insecurity, new friends, trying to impress and find his place. I totally get that. But I worry that whilst they laugh, it will become annoying to them.

I do sense him being a bit much with his friends. But I guess given he's my only boy, I have no idea if this is normal? If he's just a bit immature? And should I talk to him about it, or will that just make him feel even more self-conscious?

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 23/04/2023 08:52

Mangoflimtastic · 23/04/2023 08:43

I’ve got an 11 year old but if I get anything like this I would dress him down right there and then in front of his mates….. none of you have suggested this so is there some reason not to do it?

Because he’s working things out. He’s trying to understand his place in the group. He’s learning.

As a kind of (probably poor) analogy, imagine trying a maths question and getting it wrong and then the maths teacher making you stand in front of the class and having a go at you. It would be mortifying. Or that same teacher catches him after class and points out what you can change in private and you suddenly get it.

Instead of maths he’s learning socially. So you take him to one side and point out his mistakes and talk it through with him in a more adult way and hope that the penny drops. As someone else said, if it continues then it is a little more acceptable to raise it in front of peers, but not if you’ve not raised it before.

You should at least give them the opportunity to learn first.

WithyouFromDuskTilDawn · 23/04/2023 08:54

Mangoflimtastic · 23/04/2023 08:43

I’ve got an 11 year old but if I get anything like this I would dress him down right there and then in front of his mates….. none of you have suggested this so is there some reason not to do it?

Because their status in the group and how they appear to their friends can feel like everything to them at that age. If you show them up in front of their friends, you will likely only succeed in damaging your relationship with them. A quiet word on their own is always better. Understand that lots of teens will feel the need to act different around their friends than they do with parents in order to fit in. Many don’t even like having to act like that, but it’s that or have no one to hand around with.

WithyouFromDuskTilDawn · 23/04/2023 08:55

*hang

Littlebluebird123 · 23/04/2023 08:57

@Mangoflimtastic

Imo dressing down your child in front of their friends causes more issues. You've embarrassed them and they won't be listening anyway. Who responds well to a public telling off?

Far better to have the conversation when they're alone and willing to engage.

I generally use a look or a 'no thank you' if mine overstep - innuendo/swearing. I actually apply this to the friends too. Generally they're caught up in it and have forgotten themselves. I've only had a sheepish apology or a shuffle and silence. They still come round, they still speak to me, they are just aware of the boundary.

The bro/bruh whatever, I generally let slide. Or do a roadman impression back which generally stops it.

liveforsummer · 23/04/2023 08:58

I only have a 13 year old girl but friends have boys and they are all pretty dickish and as you describe atm so I'd say normal!

ShowOfHands · 23/04/2023 08:59

I'm a teacher as well and some teenage boys are like this but not all of them, definitely not all of the time either. Most of them are respectful and kind and thoughtful ime. And from what you've said about other people's perceptions of your ds, I suspect he isn't really like this either. It's poor decision making, peer pressure and experimenting with who he is in one environment. It's completely normal.

I find it faintly hilarious when 13yr old boys - who usually sound like little farmers btw - suddenly turn on the "wagwan bruv" nonsense in front of their friends. Or call me mate or bruh. It's surprisingly easy to diffuse in the moment and when you follow up one on one, they're always contrite and embarrassed. It is normal group behaviour and they grow out of it, fear not. Underneath it, they're usually fantastic young people. Hold fast.

Dibbydoos · 23/04/2023 08:59

Talk to him about it definitely. He is trying to be 'big' so take him down a notch...

My 20 yo calls me marj when he's with his mates, it makes me laugh. Maybe he could call you that instead of being a twit?!

Seas164 · 23/04/2023 09:02

He's 13, he is not mature, that's his job right now, he'll get there.

Clawdy · 23/04/2023 09:02

That old phrase "Choose your battles..." There are often far more serious issues as the teen years progress, and you may look back on this and wonder why it seemed a problem!

liveforsummer · 23/04/2023 09:03

Because their status in the group and how they appear to their friends can feel like everything to them at that age. If you show them up in front of their friends, you will likely only succeed in damaging your relationship with them. A quiet word on their own is always better. Understand that lots of teens will feel the need to act different around their friends than they do with parents in order to fit in. Many don’t even like having to act like that, but it’s that or have no one to hand around with.**

This. The idea of 'dressing down' infrint of mates is a terrible one. By all means threaten it if the behaviour continues after a private talking to though. Should be enough to get them to tone it down if reasoning fails 😅

Awrite · 23/04/2023 09:03

I am finding this thread very interesting. I have a 13 year old. I suspect he tried out a different personality when he started secondary school but has settled back into the quiet lad he was in primary.

He is intelligent and good at sports so I'm hoping he won't go through the stage outlined in the op and multiple posts that followed. It's all about status at that age, isn't it?

He is lovely to me and his big sister. He is only ever disrespectful when it comes to his Dad. I thought that was normal (psychologically) as my brothers were the same.

MummyInTheNecropolis · 23/04/2023 09:05

Tiredalwaystired · 23/04/2023 08:52

Because he’s working things out. He’s trying to understand his place in the group. He’s learning.

As a kind of (probably poor) analogy, imagine trying a maths question and getting it wrong and then the maths teacher making you stand in front of the class and having a go at you. It would be mortifying. Or that same teacher catches him after class and points out what you can change in private and you suddenly get it.

Instead of maths he’s learning socially. So you take him to one side and point out his mistakes and talk it through with him in a more adult way and hope that the penny drops. As someone else said, if it continues then it is a little more acceptable to raise it in front of peers, but not if you’ve not raised it before.

You should at least give them the opportunity to learn first.

Show quote history

I think it’s an excellent analogy @Tiredalwaystired and you are so right. He’s just learning.

My 17 year old is only just finding her place socially, she has always struggled to read people and situations and can be a bit overbearing. I have had to really work hard over the years to teach her ways to behave in different social situations. She’s lovely now and has some lovely friends, but it’s taken a lot of time and effort on both our parts.

JMSA · 23/04/2023 09:10

rainagainsthepane · 23/04/2023 08:05

Ok, good. Just wanted to know it's normal.

This might be my least favourite stage of parenting so far!

I concur. I have two teenage girls and it sometimes feels like I'm living a nightmare Grin

FabFitFifties · 23/04/2023 09:10

Normal unfortunately, as is them looking even more annoying, because their friends behave like model citizens infront of other parents. My 12 year old entered a stage, about 3 weeks ago, where we can't say anything or look at him, without him looking for an argument. It starts as soon as he wakes up. He has also decided he despises school and all if his teachers. Even the lunch time supervisors. We had parents evening this week, and apparently he's 😇 in every subject 🤷‍♀️ I have a quiet word afterwards in situations you are describing.

BellePeppa · 23/04/2023 09:10

Mangoflimtastic · 23/04/2023 08:43

I’ve got an 11 year old but if I get anything like this I would dress him down right there and then in front of his mates….. none of you have suggested this so is there some reason not to do it?

Well give him a chance, no need to humiliate him on the first go. Tell him privately first, let him know you’ll say it in front of his friends next time if he continues.

JMSA · 23/04/2023 09:12

I work with challenging teenagers. I handed a boy a drink the other day and he said 'cheers doll'. I'm 48 Grin

Needmorelego · 23/04/2023 09:12

Totally normal.
Do you not remember Kevin and Perry?

MagpiePi · 23/04/2023 09:13

Have you watched The Inbetweeners. That mix of trying to be cool coupled with the insecurity of looking like a dick in front of your mates is captured quite well IMO (as the parent of two now young men)

Teenagers are starting on the totally natural path of becoming an adult separate from their parents. Approval from their peers becomes far more socially significant than from their parents but they do still need you to have their back.

HelpMeGetThrough · 23/04/2023 09:13

Last year, our youngest, who was 15 at the time, tried to make fun of me in front of his mates. First and last time he's done that.

He ended up looking the twat in front of them.

Toocooltoboogie · 23/04/2023 09:13

Completely normal. Honestly who would want to be a teenager again? It's such an awkward, self conscious time. Even more so in a new friend group. I would ignore infront of friends and address casually at another time and I definitely wouldn't highlight the behaviour as cringe or socially inappropriate. More from an understanding that you understand its tricky in a new friendship group.

MrsMariaReynolds · 23/04/2023 09:13

ThatshallotBaby · 23/04/2023 08:23

When I give 13yo ds his tea he says cheers boss
Grin

This made me spit out my own tea this morning 😂 Same here, except mine is 15.

ShowOfHands · 23/04/2023 09:16

Awrite · 23/04/2023 09:03

I am finding this thread very interesting. I have a 13 year old. I suspect he tried out a different personality when he started secondary school but has settled back into the quiet lad he was in primary.

He is intelligent and good at sports so I'm hoping he won't go through the stage outlined in the op and multiple posts that followed. It's all about status at that age, isn't it?

He is lovely to me and his big sister. He is only ever disrespectful when it comes to his Dad. I thought that was normal (psychologically) as my brothers were the same.

Don't panic @Awrite many teen boys remain utterly lovely throughout. My DD is in y11 and her best friends are all boys and to a person, kind and funny and respectful. They invite me to play chess and Scrabble with them, tell me about interesting things they've heard/read recently and are just polite and engaging young men. I teach them all as well and they're just a joy to be around. Undoubtedly, they have their moments but largely, they're fab.

JaninaDuszejko · 23/04/2023 09:21

My son is only 10 but my daughters are teenagers. They call me 'mother' to wind me up. A sexual innuendo would be fine but daughter to mother has a different context to son to mother and so I think it would depends on exactly what it was, some things I'd mention later but there are some things that I would absolutely tell a teenage son and his friends were unacceptable because if I didn't then they could say it to a girl and upset her. But it's about how you do it, I'd treat it in the same way as the odd bit of inappropriate banter from a junior colleague where I'm making clear the boundaries of acceptable behaviour without making it a big formal thing. Parenting teenagers has a lot in common with managing junior staff, they both are still learning and boundaries should be held in place with kindness. The boundaries will be respected if they respect you and feel that you respect them.

DontMakeMeSayItTwice · 23/04/2023 09:23

My 11 year old GD has started behaving in the same way, so it must be the age.

vestanesta · 23/04/2023 09:30

I have the same age girls and yes we get chopsy from one and silent treatment from
the other. Unfortunately Chopsy is naturally very funny and an incredibly dry sense of humour so i have totally parenting failed when calling her up on it because I am trying not to laugh. I also often laugh at the innuendo (although they do get pulled up
on it when it goes too far. Same with bad language).

One thing neither do is be rude to me in front of friends and similarly they are not rude to other adults. Dd1 got a bit surly with her music teacher once and both him and me gave her very short shrift over that and she immediately apologised. Any behaviour like that does get called out (although I wouldn't do it in front of mates I agree. It would be after they've gone).

To quote dh, teenagers are designed to be stupid in some way. That's what teenagers do, they have to be to grow up. I know some people will say not mine but somewhere deep down even the best behaved teen will have done something stupid whether you know about it or not.