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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that step families never work

55 replies

OneHurtSpaggetio · 23/04/2023 00:54

am currently seriously considering divorce. My H and I have a 9 month old DC together.

Our marriage was rocky from the start but I am a blind optimist and thought it would improve. I was head over heels.

He has historically gaslit me, and been abusive in different ways. We also have extremely blissful days together where we are best mates, but the lows of the relationship are horribly low.

He has put in a significant amount of work to correct poor behaviour, but short of a personality transplant, I wonder if it will ever be enough to end the cyclical lows.

We have been married for 2 years, and I sometimes feel very positive that we will go the distance and have a fantastic turnaround story, but after a particularly toxic week with him and then with his toxic family, I feel lurching sadness that my life is indefinitely fucked if I stay with this man.

Truly, the only thing keeping me “in” is my beautiful DC.

I always feel like MN is very quick to tell people to leave rather than stay and work on their issues, so I’d like some honest opinions about what life after divorce is like and whether step families can actually be happy (I grew up in a “blended” family and had a horrific time with both step parents being abusive to me), or whether people ham up the joys of divorce on here.

YABU - divorce and step families are better than staying in a fraught marriage

YANBU - the grass isn’t always greener and people can grow and relationships can recover

Thanks for your replies in advance, MNetters

OP posts:
HolidayHappy123 · 23/04/2023 00:59

Is this about your step family or your DH? It's not clear?

Original poster
OneHurtSpaggetio · 23/04/2023 01:03

HolidayHappy123 · 23/04/2023 00:59

Is this about your step family or your DH? It's not clear?

Sorry about that. I’m asking if I get a divorce whether a step family could work.

I’m mainly wanting to hear from MNetters who have divorced/split and what their experiences are of being a step parent

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 23/04/2023 01:06

Step families can work.

But I would say the primary focus for you should be getting out of an unhealthy, abusive relationship and healing from that.

daisychain01 · 23/04/2023 01:50

it sounds like you're leaping ahead a bit!

you are considering getting a divorce but already thinking about getting together with someone else?

one step at a time. Step families are very problematic and complex, not for the faint hearted, but that shouldn't stop you removing yourself from an unhappy marriage. One doesn't preclude the other.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2023 01:55

I mean being single is better than being abused.

Whether any other relationships would work, who knows? Who gave you the script that you need to be married? You could date people and still keep your house as you and your children. You could not date. Whatever.

Elfandwellbeing · 23/04/2023 02:03

One day at a time. His miserable side is more likely to be his true self and the loved up side takes a lot of effort. He pulls out the love dovey moves to impress you and keep you hanging on. He is like an uncomfortable but stunning pair of shoes. Look great but they hurt you. Are they worth it ?

LBFseBrom · 23/04/2023 02:23

I don't understand why you are talking about 'step families'. You have one child with your husband, does he have kids from a previous marriage? I presume you don't.

Step families sometimes work is all I can say. I can think of two which have been quite successful.

However a great many do not work and is it really worth the hassle when you can find someone who has no dependent children?

If your marriage is really that bad, try to go it alone with your baby who is the most important person in this scenario. Sort out finances and make sure your home is secure before doing anything legal.

Coffeeandbourbons · 23/04/2023 02:57

I haven’t voted as the I disagree with both of the options. I agree step families rarely work but equally that’s not a reason to stay in a very bad marriage.

Zippedydoo123 · 23/04/2023 03:38

In my opinion going by what I hear on the grapevine blended families rarely work out.

Creepyrosemary · 23/04/2023 04:00

I think that once you have children you shouldn't go from relationship to relationship. Stay single first and build a good life for you and the child. If after awhile you do meet someone you should take it slow to introduce them and see how the dynamic works long term.

staciea31 · 23/04/2023 04:07

Hi op

I am a stepmom to 2 amazing girls one is 23 the other 15 I have been with their father nearly 10 years and I now also have an amazing step granddaughter step families can and do work everyone deserves to be happy I wouldn’t change “ my girls “ for anything and feel incredibly blessed to be their stepmother think of what is best for you and your little one sending love x

SargentSagittarius · 23/04/2023 04:09

As others have said, you’re jumping waaaay ahead. You do realise you don’t have to blend two families together, don’t you?

If the worst happened, I’d never move another man and his family in with my DC. Categorically never.

WellPlaced · 23/04/2023 04:15

You’re overthinking it and getting way ahead of yourself. The only concern at the moment is whether you stay or go. If you decide to go then you are choosing a life as a single parent and that should be your only plan. If you meet someone at some point in the future then that will be a separate decision.

Too many people jump from relationship to relationship because it’s the ‘easy option’

If you leave then make a life for you and your child alone and only consider moving in or having more DC with someone else when you have achieved this.

Our step-family worked well.

Guavafish1 · 23/04/2023 04:18

Yes they can work.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/04/2023 05:22

I would not be a step parent if I had my time again. It has been traumatic, tbh. That doesn’t mean it would be the same for anyone else.

OhBanana · 23/04/2023 05:23

Imo step families rarely work (I’ve had two long term step mums and a step dad and over the years had 6 step siblings…). Perhaps the parents think they do if all seems okay on the surface, but even in the best or most ideal blended families there is at best emotional fallout for the kids (and it sounds like you have experience of the more extreme bad experiences of blended families).

HOWEVER, that’s a non issue for you at this point. If you are in a situation where he is gaslighting you and emotionally manipulative then being a single parent is probably better.

But I do also believe it is possible for people to change (there are ofc some things that are unforgivable don’t get me wrong!) , my relationship has turned around dramatically since we first got together, we both have done therapy and lots of work on ourselves and all of the toxic habits have resolved - but we consciously chose to work on this stuff before having DD. It would be so much harder if we had to do it now with our three month old.

I don’t have an cut and dry answer for you sadly op but I hope you make whatever decision is best for you and DD. Only you know the extent of what is happening in your relationship and if you think that he can put in the effort and get the help to change. But I really wouldn’t spend your energy worrying about a step family that doesn’t exist yet!

Witchofcawdor · 23/04/2023 06:12

I am a stepmum and it has without a doubt been one of the hardest experiences of my life (and I've not had an easy ride). If I could go back in tiem, in all honesty the only reason that I would do it again given the chance is that is gave me my own daughter, if it wasn't for her I would be broken.
However I think being a stepmum is very different to being a stepdad as the expectations are different (they shouldn't be but are). I know a number of blended families where the new addition is a step-dad and these generally seem to be more successful because it's easier for the men to step into that role.

Like others are saying though, a blended family is something you don't need to worry about right now. Focus on yourself and your kids- do you want your children growing up with this as an example of what a relationship should be?

Cloudy0 · 23/04/2023 06:12

Thinking about step families may be a bit early. In my opinion, you need to think about your dc and the example that you set for them. Do you want them to grow up thinking that it is ok to be treated as you have been? Do you want them to grow up thinking that ot is ok to to treat others the way that you have been treated?

In terms of blended families, I really think it depends on personalities and ages. I have two step kids that are in secondary school. I met them in Primary school, we get on well and they are amazing. It is difficult when families first merge, especially if the step parent doesn't have kids themselves, but I get on really well with my step kids. Unfortunately, my dh and his ex don't get on because they have very different personalities, but he doesn't allow the kids to be involved in that. We have never said a bad word infront of the kids and their aruments are always over the phone/email/messages). I know that my dh is very pleased the his kids have me as another role model in their lives. I don't know any other blended families, but ours has been working so far.

LBFseBrom · 23/04/2023 06:14

I don't get your reference to step parenting, op. How is that relevant?

Ragwort · 23/04/2023 06:25

I think the OP is thinking about her next relationship and the impact it will have on her and her child.
As others have said, concentrate on ending your marriage, setting up a lovely home for yourself and your DC and presumably you will want to facilitate a relationship between your DC and their father.

Beezknees · 23/04/2023 06:34

Why do you have to be in a stepfamily? I've been single since DS was a baby, he's now 15 and I'm still single. I date casually, but I'd never move a man in or have any other kids in my home. If you're happy to stay in a miserable marriage then why wouldn't you be happy being single for a while?

I don't think stepfamilies NEVER work, but the ones that do aren't so common, and I wouldn't want to take that risk. But nor would I stay in an unhappy marriage. So single life it is. 😆

IAmTheWalrus85 · 23/04/2023 06:50

LBFseBrom · 23/04/2023 06:14

I don't get your reference to step parenting, op. How is that relevant?

Do you really not?

She’s thinking about the impact on her child if she enters into another relationship at any point in the next 17 years.

Bansheed · 23/04/2023 06:52

I am divorced, with 3 children and am remarrying. Very, very happy and glad I made the right decision to leave.

DP has no kids though, and my ex DH's girlfriend doesn't either. We have all commented on how lucky that is. But it was by fate, not plan., though both men have had vasectomies now, too.

poppysockies · 23/04/2023 06:54

it sounds like you're leaping ahead a bit!

This!

SlippySarah · 23/04/2023 07:00

The two things are unrelated imo. If you need to end this relationship that decision should not be based on the possible likely success of a future relationship or "step family".

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