To think that step families never work

[OneHurtSpaggetio]

am currently seriously considering divorce. My H and I have a 9 month old DC together.

Our marriage was rocky from the start but I am a blind optimist and thought it would improve. I was head over heels.

He has historically gaslit me, and been abusive in different ways. We also have extremely blissful days together where we are best mates, but the lows of the relationship are horribly low.

He has put in a significant amount of work to correct poor behaviour, but short of a personality transplant, I wonder if it will ever be enough to end the cyclical lows.

We have been married for 2 years, and I sometimes feel very positive that we will go the distance and have a fantastic turnaround story, but after a particularly toxic week with him and then with his toxic family, I feel lurching sadness that my life is indefinitely fucked if I stay with this man.

Truly, the only thing keeping me “in” is my beautiful DC.

I always feel like MN is very quick to tell people to leave rather than stay and work on their issues, so I’d like some honest opinions about what life after divorce is like and whether step families can actually be happy (I grew up in a “blended” family and had a horrific time with both step parents being abusive to me), or whether people ham up the joys of divorce on here.

YABU - divorce and step families are better than staying in a fraught marriage

YANBU - the grass isn’t always greener and people can grow and relationships can recover

Thanks for your replies in advance, MNetters

I’ve come back to this thread a few times to read this post. It’s not what I want to hear, but your post really resonated with me a lot.

He’s been gone the past few days and it was like I could breathe again - I got so much done without him here sucking the air out the room.

I’m sure it won’t be long until DD understands what I’m feeling.

I told his DM that he was verbally abusing me before he left and she twisted it around on me and made it my fault. I understand that she would’ve had him in her ear, but I always thought I had a good relationship with her, so for her to essentially say that I deserve to be told I’m a “POS” and “nothing” because I didn’t do something to his schedule was quite the eye opener.

She tells me that she loves me and that I’m like a daughter but it just shows that it’s all manipulation and BS when it comes to the crunch.

She doesn't love you.

She wants whats best for her.

Trust your instincts.

You want whats best for that precious baby.

A peaceful childhood, in a peaceful home.

Utterly priceless.

You can do this.

Let your child enjoy the enormous privilege of a peaceful home with the blessing of a mother that can really breathe.

That will remain with her for life.

You can do this.

Don’t start worrying about step families until you’ve sorted out your present situation.

If your marriage is as unhappy as it sounds, leave.

You certainly don’t need to meet and marry someone else to be happy.

The truth is, she may really believe she loves you “like a daughter”, but she will not side with you against her own child. Accept it, unburden yourself of any loyalty that phrase made you feel to her and free yourself from living this daily misery.

I think our step family has worked because my husband took a back seat where my son, his stepson was concerned and although he was loving, played with him, did his share of caring and took financial responsibility, he never tried to be his dad. The result is they have a great relationship now my son is an adult. Paradoxically, it’s been much more difficult with our joint child, our daughter, where our different approaches to discipline, boundaries etc. have caused arguments.