Is It Time To End It?

[LotionsAndPotions995]

Hey,

Not really sure what I want from this thread or if it's in the right place. But overall just a rant as I feel like I'm going crazy.

I have been with DP for a year, I've known him for 10 years but we only made things official at the beginning of last year. In general things are good but there has been huge issues with the emotional compatibility side of things. He really won't communicate with me and when he does it's always picking at my faults, or me being to blame for something.

He also doesn't seem to pick up on general social queues and goes off on me if I'm having an off day because I haven't specifically told him whats wrong and what he must to do comfort me or make things better. His usual response is "well I'll just leave then" and I get a barrage of blame because he's not a mind reader, so thats my fault somehow.

I know mumsnet is very for the "they are not mind readers" argument but personally I feel like your partner should know the difference in you to notice something is wrong and offer some form of comfort, such as a cuddle, without needing it spelt out in black and white what, why and when. Its draining and if I'm honest the off days are just general or because the lack of emotional connection in the relationship sucks and bores the living daylights out of me.

The AIBU is...

IABU- he's not a mind reader and he is intact right that it's not something that can be fixed/comforted without black and white detailed explanation

IANBU- it's normal to be able to offer some form of support/comfort and notice cues if someone your supposed to care about and love is down.

In general things are good but there has been huge issues with the emotional compatibility side of things. He really won't communicate with me and when he does it's always picking at my faults, or me being to blame for something.

You should be in the honeymoon period. If this is happening when you are both on your best behaviour then its not a good sign. It will only get worse. Its time to leave.

Me and dh are a bit emotionally incompatible too. I either suck it up or tell him how it is and what I want. He drives me crazy.

We've been together 35 years.

A year in and he's picking at your faults and blaming you for stuff? Not good op.

Some people aren't great at picking up on subtle hints. However his dramatic flouncing when you complain is a massive red flag.

Oh believe me @Nickersnackersnockers I have had the conversation in full detail about what I want, need and what is lacking several times in the past year to the point I'm actually sick of repeating it. I've wrote it in letters and texts aswell so it couldn't be a case of you've never told me, you weren't clear, etc.

How did you manage to last so long with the incompatibility?

My general view is that if you are in a relationship of a year or less then the only reason that you should be posting on mumsnet is a really annoying stealthboast about the how you have cystitis from shagging so much.

there has been huge issues with the emotional compatibility side of things. He really won't communicate with me and when he does it's always picking at my faults, or me being to blame for something. This sounds pretty rubbish. I'd rethink the relationship.

Just came on to check this wasn't a suicide thread. Not qualified for relationship advice but I think on Mumsnet LTB is the normal response.

Hold on...you're telling him what you want and need and expecting him to give it to you, but when he tells you what he needs - ie for you to be more explicit about your emotional state - he's being unreasonable and should just divine it?

What's so wrong with him asking you to use your words instead?

@xyxygy I have told him explicitly what i want, need and how I feel. It constantly falls on deaf ears. So why should i drain myself further by constantly having to describe how I'm feeling, why and what has made me feel like that. Then specifically say word for word what I want/need him to do to comfort, reassure or support me.... wouldn't that be forced and not mean anything at all.

Could you imagine a man parenting a child who couldn't pick up on social cues or changes to know instinctively what to do or how to comfort said child? How am I as a human (yes an adult) any different? Why do I need to spell it out in black and white? What if I was a mute or so distraught in a situation that I couldn't actually speak? Do I deserve to not be comforted deeply and off a gut reaction regardless of wanting, needing or even being able to voice why?

Yes, I can imagine that perfectly. I'm autistic. I've made the exact same request of my DP - "Please tell me what's wrong, because I won't be able to just see it" - and, thankfully, they did exactly that and our life is immeasurably better for it because we can both help each other when something's wrong instead of butting heads at the worst of times.

Yes, you've told him what you want, but you're entirely unwilling to do the same for him. You're tanking your relationship for the sake of an idea because you're unwilling to budge an inch; that's cool, and entirely your prerogative and choice, but at least go into it with the awareness of who has the agency here.

@xyxygy I'm sorry but that is completely untrue. I never once said in the past year I hadn't met his needs/wants by being explicit about my feelings, etc when I'm having an off day. I've done that countless times. But it does get tedious after a year of repeating and nothing improving. I have done my part so from experience can he not learn and also find ways to improve to meet my needs and wants?

What your saying is a complete 1 way street and calling me out for something that isn't true. I've tried to play my part for a whole year... should it only be me that does that for the rest of the relationship?

And to clarify, he does not have any medical problems that would make him like this.

I think you're both right, his brain from what you've said clearly functions very differently through no fault of his own and you are entitled to feel and want certain things in a relationship. As you are unwilling to be more understanding of his own emotional comprehensions or rather lack of, it means you are not compatible and should probably just call time on the situation before either of you becomes more emotionally invested.

I haven't said you're not meeting his needs anywhere else - I'm saying that you're asking him to do something that he can't do unless you tell him what's wrong, but you're unwilling to tell him what's wrong. That's an immovable object/unstoppable force problem, for which there is no resolution.

You say that you've been telling him when something's wrong - does he act in a caring way when you do that, once he knows what's going on? Or, more to the point, does he try to?

I've been married for 23 years, and I still wouldn't be able to tell what's going on if my DP didn't tell me. I might get a vague idea that something's off, but I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a bit of a headache and the verge of a mental breakdown without it being signposted. On the other hand, I always know when a bipolar episode is on the way because there are a very specific set of behaviours involved that I can categorise and identify with the weird pattern recognition thing my brain does. Some things are easy, others are not...and, for NT people, the difference between the two makes absolutely no logical sense.

How, exactly, do you know that he's not undiagnosed ND? Has he had an assessment and been told he's not?

Regardless of the answer to that question...seems to me you've already decided it's over, and - if you're not willing to give those verbal signposts for the rest of the relationship - then you're 100% right about that.

For what it's worth, I've not said any of this in judgement of you, just as an objective conclusion from what I know thus far (and obviously without the context of the relationship itself). Please don't take it personally, because it's genuinely not intended that way.

As neither of you appear to be giving what the other needs it probably is time to call it a day.

@xyxygy thank you for clarifying and for your responses. It is nice to also see things from another perspective with an explanation.

To answer your question though ... no he generally doesn't respond well to me vocalising what's going on either he's general response is "fine I'll leave then", he will sit in another room and sulk for 10 minutes, leave then message me about how shit I have made him feel.

My post overall is really to get opinions and advise as alot of the time I do feel like I'm going or atlease made to feel like I'm crazy.

Very much this.

Never mind all the bickering about using your words, this is the killer imo: He really won't communicate with me and when he does it's always picking at my faults, or me being to blame for something.

So he's basically "I love everything about you except this, this, that, and here's a few other things"? Yeah, I think you deserve to be appreciated not corrected.

Thinking about it, before I was diagnosed autistic I often had much the same reaction as you say he does - not out of a lack of caring, but out of a frustration at my inability to see what everybody else clearly does.

The key point to think about, though, is this: imagine for a second that he was suddenly diagnosed with <some kind of atypical condition> that explains all of this. Would that change your mind? It's not wrong to say "No, I can't imagine having to verbalise my emotions all the time for the rest of my life" - that's a totally valid response, because it's a very tough adjustment and definitely not for everybody. The militant autistic community would obviously disagree, but they're usually not particularly realistic about this sort of thing.

Might be a useful thought experiment for you, though. If that is your genuine response after you've thought about it, then there really is no choice here other than a recognition that neither of you can give the other what they need, and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. Sometimes, people just don't fit together.

I have done my part so from experience can he not learn and also find ways to improve to meet my needs and wants?

Maybe it's as simple as: no. I constantly have to remind my DP that there isn't a sign on her head that tells me how she feels. Reading her body language or whatever else it is I'm supposed to interpret is a talent I just don't possess.

@xyxygy, are you constantly either sulking or putting your partner down, telling them what's wrong with them?

No, but there was a time when I would, but more out of defensiveness and (as I mentioned) frustration at the fact that I often seemed to lack the expected ability to see that something was wrong.

To be clear: I'm not saying that the OP's other half is autistic. It's a possibility, sure, but the thought experiment I mentioned might help clarify the OP's thoughts on it.

Of course, it might not help at all. I'm very used to that ;)

I don't think anyone should have to explain to a grownup how to behave.

So many using the disorder excuse for men who are just twats.

You can do better. Why put up with someone who refuses to meet your needs?

Let him go op. It shouldn’t be this hard a year in. The emotional side of a relationship is one of the most important bits! Much better things are ahead of you.

Any form of communication breakdown, including not taking the trouble or be bothered to find out if the person you care about is upset or stressed etc, needs to be taken seriously.

To me it's probably the number 1 priority and a sure fire signal if you're compatible or not.

The mitigation, of course, is any Neurodiversity and making adjustments for that, according to the person's preferred communication tendency.

i don't know your partner so it's difficult to comment but if there is no ND to be considered and they just don't feel the need to notice or care about finding out, I would say you aren't compatible and it will only get to be a bigger problem.

Some people just don't get the importance of being in-tune, and no matter how much you try to explain, it passes them by and it can batter your self-esteem. Conversely if you're with someone who you connect with emotionally it's transformational. It depends if you're prepared to compromise.

What a dreamy relationship you have, a year in and you text each other instead of talking like adults. Not sure why your together tbh doesn't sound fun. Huffiness etc hmmmm maybe you need to split up

It's only been a year, you are not married and you don't have kids, so why are you twisting yourself in knots trying to make this work?

It shouldn't be hard work like this. It sounds like more hassle and heartache than joy, what's the point in that?