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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is It Time To End It?

36 replies

LotionsAndPotions995 · 22/04/2023 22:07

Hey,

Not really sure what I want from this thread or if it's in the right place. But overall just a rant as I feel like I'm going crazy.

I have been with DP for a year, I've known him for 10 years but we only made things official at the beginning of last year. In general things are good but there has been huge issues with the emotional compatibility side of things. He really won't communicate with me and when he does it's always picking at my faults, or me being to blame for something.

He also doesn't seem to pick up on general social queues and goes off on me if I'm having an off day because I haven't specifically told him whats wrong and what he must to do comfort me or make things better. His usual response is "well I'll just leave then" and I get a barrage of blame because he's not a mind reader, so thats my fault somehow.

I know mumsnet is very for the "they are not mind readers" argument but personally I feel like your partner should know the difference in you to notice something is wrong and offer some form of comfort, such as a cuddle, without needing it spelt out in black and white what, why and when. Its draining and if I'm honest the off days are just general or because the lack of emotional connection in the relationship sucks and bores the living daylights out of me.

The AIBU is...

IABU- he's not a mind reader and he is intact right that it's not something that can be fixed/comforted without black and white detailed explanation

IANBU- it's normal to be able to offer some form of support/comfort and notice cues if someone your supposed to care about and love is down.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 23/04/2023 07:07

My friends just got divorced for this same issue - she almost didn’t get married because of it and wishes she hadn’t. I’d ditch him.

ChristmasFluff · 23/04/2023 08:41

He's not going to change, so either you want to spend your life like this, or you don't.

IrregularChoiceFan · 23/04/2023 08:48

Mumoftwoinprimary · 22/04/2023 22:21

My general view is that if you are in a relationship of a year or less then the only reason that you should be posting on mumsnet is a really annoying stealthboast about the how you have cystitis from shagging so much.

This! I have posted once about dp in 13 years and that was for a hand hold when he was in the hospital as he is an accident magnet with fragile bird bones 🤣

If its at this point already op, then call it a day. Its not bloody worth it!

PonyPatter44 · 23/04/2023 08:52

It's not about "reading emotions ". It's about the fact he sulks and strops off when challenged. He sounds very immature and frankly, not terribly pleasant.

It's a shame when you've been friends a long time, but it sounds like you are better off being friends than partners.

AncientToaster · 23/04/2023 09:14

All sounds like too much hard work though I find your communication style quite hard to understand in your posts.

marblemad · 27/04/2023 02:28

PonyPatter44 · 23/04/2023 08:52

It's not about "reading emotions ". It's about the fact he sulks and strops off when challenged. He sounds very immature and frankly, not terribly pleasant.

It's a shame when you've been friends a long time, but it sounds like you are better off being friends than partners.

As someone with autism I am incredibly disappointed to read your comment. He isn't unpleasant because he cannot change how he thinks. What an awful thing to say. Educate yourself.

GarlicGrace · 27/04/2023 03:23

marblemad · 27/04/2023 02:28

As someone with autism I am incredibly disappointed to read your comment. He isn't unpleasant because he cannot change how he thinks. What an awful thing to say. Educate yourself.

Show quote history

The man hasn't been diagnosed with an ASD. And are you really trying to tell a poster that she should just put up with being belittled, blamed, ignored & invalidated because her partner can't help being like that?

I'd say he is unpleasant. His reasons or excuses are barely relevant, OP's already gone above and beyond in clarifying her needs. They are still not being met.

GrandIllusion · 27/04/2023 03:40

Oh my goodness op you have been together one year and he is like this to you?!?!

Belittling, sulking, criticising?!?!?

I have been married for over 30 years and not once had my DH ever done that to me!!!

My DH makes me laugh and makes me feel special and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside every single day.

Don't you feel you deserve a lovely partner in life then???

I would have ditched your toxic loser in less than a week if he had behaved like that to me even just once!!!

No man gets to ruin my life with crap and anyway, ai wanted a fantastic dh to have babies with so my standards were and are high.

Our 5 DC are pretty much grown up now and they love and appreciate having a fantastic dad.

You need to make sure if you have any DC you choose a man who idolises you and is hands on and listens to you and is kind and thoughtful.

Your dp could not be worse!!!!!

Kingoftheroad · 27/04/2023 05:28

End it now - it’s never going to work - what a loser

UseOfWeapons · 27/04/2023 06:45

It’s not working, and I doubt it can be fixed. I’d end it and move on.

Theunamedcat · 27/04/2023 06:53

I think OP might have noticed they were autistic after a ten year friendship 🤔

This is what he is like in a relationship some men are dicks as partners but great friends

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