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Original poster

Why are men such babies when they’re sick??

44 replies

JanS17 · 22/04/2023 09:16

Just that really. I had a tummy bug on Thursday/Friday and got on with things as normal. Looked after my 4 month old as much as I could and my DH did no more than normal (also meaning my 4m old was exposed to my illness…)

Now my DH has the tummy bug and is rolling around in bed moaning like he’s going to die and unable to lift a finger to help with the baby or anything else.

Do men genuinely feel worse when they’re unwell or does he just milk it?? He’s always like this when he has any sort of minor illness and it drives me batty. Am I being TA or should he suck it up and do his fair share?

OP posts:
Thighdentitycrisis · 22/04/2023 09:22

I’m going to be fair to my DP for once and say he doesn’t fit this stereotype (he does have loads of other traits that drive me insane though)

As for ‘most’ men, I can’t say. Maybe because they don’t have to deal with periods?

bloodywhitecat · 22/04/2023 09:22

He should do his fair share, especially when you had symptoms and he was symptom free.

I think some people just like to milk it for all they can. My ex-h always appeared to be dying when he had even the most minor cold whereas my dad and my husband faced cancer with absolute fortitude, I never heard either of them complain, not even once and DH was particularly sick at times. My son is the same, he just gets on with life and often you don't know he's been feeling rough until after the event.

WolfFoxHare · 22/04/2023 09:24

I think, on my limited experience, this is because in general men are less likely to have long term debilitating chronic illnesses than women and are, as a rule, generally physically stronger than women, so when they do get sick, it’s more of a mental shock to the system.

Women have periods and just have to get on with it. We get pregnant and just have to get in with it. We have awful birth injuries and PND and just have to get on with it. We go through menopause and get on with it. Women’s pain and discomfort is under treated and under supported, so we have to get on with it (I know not all women have chronic health problems or menstrual/pregnancy related issues). So when we’re ill with a bug, we just get on with that too. Men meanwhile don’t have any of this shit to deal with so when they don’t feel in rude health, they wallow. And largely their pain is much more listened to by doctors too, which reinforces this.

just my private theory anyway.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 22/04/2023 09:27

<Prepares for flaming>

I don’t think it’s so much that men are drama llamas, but women are martyrs who should be resting with tummy bugs, or after giving birth, or when very ill. And men should give them the opportunity of a proper rest by sorting the children and making sure their OH has lots of opportunities to recover properly.

No one is gonna thank you for martyring your way through a tummy bug!

WolfFoxHare · 22/04/2023 09:28

Saying that, one of our male best friends has stage four cancer and is the most positive upbeat person I know, battling cheerfully with any side effects or pain etc.

And I have a number of chronic conditions and am the biggest whiner around, while my DH really does do loads to look after me. But when he’s ill, he doesn’t do anything! And I do still work full time and do half the child stuff even though I usually feel pretty rough.

WolfFoxHare · 22/04/2023 09:31

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 22/04/2023 09:27

<Prepares for flaming>

I don’t think it’s so much that men are drama llamas, but women are martyrs who should be resting with tummy bugs, or after giving birth, or when very ill. And men should give them the opportunity of a proper rest by sorting the children and making sure their OH has lots of opportunities to recover properly.

No one is gonna thank you for martyring your way through a tummy bug!

I do think sometimes women want their husbands to know what needs to be done and do it, without needing to be told/asked. And that’s not unreasonable, but ultimately I’d rather boss DH around than do 100% myself. And having that attitude since DC was tiny means that now actually he does do a lot independently.

Original poster
JanS17 · 22/04/2023 09:35

I didn’t want to martyr my way through a tummy bug but even asking my DH for help, he didn’t.

I also have chronic conditions meaning I’m in constant pain and fatigue, and still do more than him around the house and with childcare, and when I’m not on ML my work is more demanding than his.

But any mild discomfort and he’s suddenly unable to do anything.

I also get that not all men are like this. My dad went though cancer and didn’t complain at all.

OP posts:
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/04/2023 09:44

I think it’s probably for the same reason women are such babies the whole rest of the time, crying about this that and the other, in places such as at work and while trying to park their cars bless em.

I don’t mean this BTW, just riffing on your generalisation. Some posters won’t read this second para and will get upset.

SnoogyWoo · 22/04/2023 09:48

Because their mothers enabled them.

Spectre8 · 22/04/2023 09:49

I used to get on with it now hitting 40 im like fuck it. Had tonsilitus recently and nope I did not do a thing, the house got a bit sloppy but so what. It was a really one and I was only getting 3hrs sleep a night as my throat was so painful. I just gave my body as much rest as I could. Cleaning the house wasn't a priority.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 22/04/2023 09:50

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/04/2023 09:44

I think it’s probably for the same reason women are such babies the whole rest of the time, crying about this that and the other, in places such as at work and while trying to park their cars bless em.

I don’t mean this BTW, just riffing on your generalisation. Some posters won’t read this second para and will get upset.

😂😂😂

Cosyblankets · 22/04/2023 10:06

JanS17 · 22/04/2023 09:35

I didn’t want to martyr my way through a tummy bug but even asking my DH for help, he didn’t.

I also have chronic conditions meaning I’m in constant pain and fatigue, and still do more than him around the house and with childcare, and when I’m not on ML my work is more demanding than his.

But any mild discomfort and he’s suddenly unable to do anything.

I also get that not all men are like this. My dad went though cancer and didn’t complain at all.

Don't ask
Tell
I'm not well
I'm going to bed
Sort the kids out I'm not up to it

BananaBlue · 22/04/2023 10:29

It’s vice versa in my house EXCEPT if DH is ill I take the burden and vice versa.

You prob wouldn’t mind your DH being a delicate flower while ill if 1. Same courtesy applied to you, 2. He generally did his bit when well.

BananaBlue · 22/04/2023 10:32

SnoogyWoo · 22/04/2023 09:48

Because their mothers enabled them.

And not his dad?

I hate this position of always blaming women for men’s actions, he’s grown enough to have a family, he is grown enough to look after it.

if he cared about OP he wouldn’t see her dragging herself about while ill and she prob wouldn’t mind him doing nothing while ill.

Anonymouseposter · 22/04/2023 10:33

The men I have known well don’t fit this stereotype at all. They have all been very stoic to be fair.

Arightoldcarryabag · 22/04/2023 10:35

This is almost the exact opposite of reality.
Men tend to ignore illness, never see a Doctor and just power on through.
Yes, sometimes they get so ill that they complain and struggle, but that is definitely not the norm in my experience.

Sounds like you're letting your sexism get in the way of real world facts.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/04/2023 10:40

One of my sons is like this and I have no idea why. He was brought up by me as a single parent where I literally could NOT be ill, his brother isn't that way and will work through any illness, but this one - he whinges about the smallest pain and illness. He was like that from very small, though. The girls are all very stoic, so it's just the one.
So I wonder if some of it is just a more 'sensitive' nature.

Rainyrunway · 22/04/2023 10:42

I do go to bed if I'm ill and DH will take over the stuff I normally do. And I do the same for him. The only difference is he wants me to fawn over him as well which I find really annoying and don't really do. It's like he wants me to speak in a softer voice and fuss around him like a child. Why?? I just want to be left alone if I'm ill.

Zuve · 22/04/2023 10:42

Agree, men are babies ever. Mine is useless when he has a cold

RandomMess · 22/04/2023 10:47

Reverse here, I'm a wimp and DH carries on.

Well he gets up and does what needs doing then goes back to bed, more likely to take time off work. I just get very needy.

5128gap · 22/04/2023 10:50

JanS17 · 22/04/2023 09:35

I didn’t want to martyr my way through a tummy bug but even asking my DH for help, he didn’t.

I also have chronic conditions meaning I’m in constant pain and fatigue, and still do more than him around the house and with childcare, and when I’m not on ML my work is more demanding than his.

But any mild discomfort and he’s suddenly unable to do anything.

I also get that not all men are like this. My dad went though cancer and didn’t complain at all.

He's setting his stall out. He knows you have long term conditions and doesn't want you to 'out ill' him and for him to have to step up because you're also unwell. By being as sick as sick can be he's letting you know that won't be an option because today the sick role belongs to him.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 10:50

Neither of us fit the stereotypes

We both go to bed if ill and we both take over if the other is ill

I'm not sure why you put up with your dh ripping the piss

I'd go out today and leave him with the kids

AutumnCrow · 22/04/2023 10:57

My OH isn't a 'baby' - he's quite the opposite. He can be ill and/or in pain and if he's said he'll do a job he'll do the job, whether it's building shelves, strip cleaning a room or taking a grandchild to school. It's actually hard to get him to slow the fuck down sometimes.

If I'm unwell he's a big old fusspot and sorts out meds, food, drinks, you name it. He'll run me a bath, do the laundry, go shopping, tell me terrible jokes, get me a hot water bottle.

He's uxorious. But this meets a lot of his own needs - it's not entirely selflessness on his part in order to 'make me happy'. I'd have to be a pretty big egotist to believe that. He's getting his own needs met too, iyswim.

MeDoDoDo · 22/04/2023 10:57

I agree with Wolf I think we learn to plough on because we have painful periods (I have yet to hear of a woman who just sails through them) we are taught from a young age, get up and show up and go to school through the pain. I think we apply this to a lot of situations like pregnancy, can't be seen to be weak and let the team down at work and then no choice on maternity leave but to get on with looking after a baby.

Dh isn't a dressing gown of doom type person, just tells me he is ill, usually vomiting from a migraine, goes to bed and he will occasionally text me to ask for a water refill so he doesn't stand up which makes the migraine worse.

I think men are unused to pain or feeling up and down hormones wise and so it is different for them. However, they can choose how to respond to that. Dh says he sees me undergo surgery and pain meds as I have endo so he feels like his illness pales in comparison. He has always been a great partner, always looked after the children and me.

Re the OP if and when you are ill, stop asking him for help and tell him instead. You are off to bed, not to be disturbed and let him get on with it and figure it out himself. I also have chronic fatigue from the endo, Dh just you know, parented his children. Didn't need me there telling what to do because he was an involved Dad from day 1. Stop pushing yourself through stuff.

Precipice · 22/04/2023 11:03

Many of these dramatic men are also the type to be dramatic in respect of other inconveniences. My experience is that the people who react with anger and upset and essentially throw a strop when things don't go their way are usually men. It's the same tendency applied in another situation, at least in the illness scenario without rage.