Taken for granted by actually every man ever

[Vcal2017]

Warning: Rant ahead.

I pride myself on being thoughtful and responsible. But I think I’ve driven myself mad. My Dad is in a nursing home and not having the greatest time. I visit often. The staff are always reminding me when he needs things: a new belt, pillowcases. Apparently my brother as the proud owner of a penis is unable to source these items.
My brother who has a really stressful desk job that pays well and involves working from home has taken himself on a 2 week holiday where he is uncontactable. Because the wifi is so unreliable 3 hours drive away.
I teach. I teach probably the hardest kids around: the school refusers, the suicidal ones, the gaming addicts, the pot smokers. The ones whose parents are terribly worried about and
therefore call you all the time. I am also a single parent. I also

have a mortgage I can’t pay.

Today I went to visit my Dad and asked my son to empty the dishwasher. I spent
hours with my Dad who has more money
in the bank I’ll ever see. I listened to all the gossip about Robert’s daughter who’s an opera singer, and Chris’s son who teaches at Cambridge. I got in my shitty car ( 2006 manual) and drove home on an empty tank because who can afford petrol.

Got home. Dishwasher full. Son has spent literally hours mastering three chords of a Nirvana song. Lost my absolute sh$t.Told him to fuck the fuck off and shouted about how I’ve just paid $400 for more useless penis waving guitar lessons and everything and every man ever is shit. Locked myself in bathroom listening to eighties electronica really loud because I know he hates it.

trying to be lighthearted but it’s close
to actually breaking me.

Welcome to patriarchy.

You're totally right and tbh I applaud you for actually identifying this and pointing it out to your male relatives. The majority of women suck this up with a sigh and say "men!" and carry on indulging this as if it were natural. And a bunch of people will be along to tell you are unreasonable and unhinged for losing your shit with your son.

I grew up watching my mum get broken by this and I was fucked if it was going to happen to me. It's exhausting. You have my total sympathy.

The thing that really upsets me about all this is that all the people in life who have done really creative or brilliant or life changing things have had someone in their life to do this shit for them. I can see why his playing Nirvana chords would have upset you, it would upset me too. I wanted to be a rock star when I was younger but who was going to do the wifing/mothering to allow that to happen.

I hope when your dad needs things that you use his money for that. There's absolutely no reason why your brother can't order things off Amazon to be delivered to the home. He needs to take on that responsibility, not now while he's on holiday but normally.

How old is your son? I would stop the guitar lessons if it's taking that long to learn such a short piece!

Thanks for your responses.
I think one of the only things I can do is to make some firm boundaries: not attempt to do as much, maybe that’s the best way to save my sanity.
🤐

Your dad's requirements for personal items should be paid from his own money, whether that's an allowance paid to the care home or you having power of attorney access to his account. I'd also question what happens to the previous items before agreeing to their replacement. Pillow cases and belts shouldn't need replaced that often unless they are being damaged, in which case I'd want to know what's being done to prevent that happening.

If the care home are always contacting you - did you make the enquiry for your dad's care and have been marked as the main contact? Can you ask the care home to contact you for specific things and your brother for other things?

Cancel the guitar lessons and tell him to use YouTube.

I'm so sorry, OP. Without wishing to sound ruthless, I hope your efforts will be reflected in your father's will. My grandmother is in a care home with dementia. My mum is the one who does EVERYTHING for her - they didn't even have a particularly strong maternal relationship! Her brothers do absolutely nothing.
My mum doesn't have sisters and thanks God every day that she has daughters.

YANBU.

The shit work always falls to women.

I hope your dad is covering the costs of these items?

So sorry OP. Things are hard for you atm but you sound like a lovely, funny, smart person. It’ll take you no time to figure out how to set some firm boundaries once you’ve set your heart on it. Good luck with everything!

You guys! 🤘

You seem angry at a situation that you yourself have allowed to happen. Instead of moaning, being angry, and telling your son (what age is he btw) to “fuck off” … why not acknowledge your part, and move to change things?

Tell the care home to call your brother; if you can’t afford petrol to go see your dad, don’t go .. and tell him why; if you don’t like your job make moves to change it; if your son isn’t behaving as you like, resolving as an adult instead of a child.

Nobody is forcing any of this life on you, they are your choices.

If you can't put petrol in the car then bastarding guitar lessons have to stop as well.
YANBU most men I've met or have the misfortune to be related to are more than a bit shit, self indulgent, selfish gits.

The only male here that you are actually responsible for is your ds. That’s the relationship you need to prioritise. Having the energy and wherewithal to set and maintain expectations is important.

And maybe you’re getting to the end of your time in that sort of teaching - I’ve worked in a similar area and it’s a passion but recognising when you’re reaching burnout is very important.

Your df is safe and looked after. Everything else that you give to him has to come from your abundance after you meet your own family’s needs.

Your db is an ass but when he drops his 50% of the burden, it’s not on you to pick it up. That’s between your dd and him.

Decide what you can reasonably give and stick to that.

Hugs

And btw. Ignore the holier than thou brigade telling you off for losing your shit with your kid… I don’t for one second believe those claiming they have never done it. As long as it’s not a regular occurrence, it’s not exactly a crime and might just about shock him into some thinking time… 🤷

Total solidarity here.

Google “empathy.” Go on.

I love most of the responses here so far. Apart from the one but your always going to get the odd dickhead who will insist everything is ALL YOUR FAULT because you are the woman silly. OP, rant away! It sounds shit and I want to tell you to look after yourself but realise its easier said than done. Tell your son to up his game though. Everyone in the house should contribute to the running of it. Something I've always stood by.

Good choice of music to lose your shit to everyone has a breaking point and it’s good to let them know, vent away

When you described your job I realised you must be a very empathetic and kind person. Not many people have the emotional resilience to do what you do.

It looks like all the males in your life take advantage of you to a greater or lesser extent.

You probably need to realise that you will always be in danger of giving too much of yourself to others. While your blood is up, think of some ways you can put up (and keep) boundaries in place to protect yourself.

Solidarity, you sound amazing and none of them do.

I know exactly what empathy means … but what’s the point of all sitting here saying “poor you” ?

I, at no point, said it was all OPs fault because she was a women - quite the opposite. As women we are expected to do these thing, well stop accepting the role… just moaning about it gets nobody anywhere.

Change the narrative … the OP is not a victim, she’s a strong woman, and more than capable of making change. Posters on here, treating her like she is a child are doing nothing.

You are entitled to rant, rage & scream !

Sometimes life is unfair

You are being pulled in lots of different directions, you are spreading yourself too thin

It is OK to say NO to some requests

I don't know what age your son is, but he should be doing some chores around the home

When your DB returns

Perhaps you could ask for some time off too

@Vcal2017

Before anything else, I think the mortgage is the most important issue, so when the taking-for-granted impacts your security, that's the starting point.

As the others have mentioned, the items your father needs should be paid from his own money.
The guitar lessons (while they are a great hobby) could at least be paused, even irrespectively of your son's attitude to chores, because again, the mortgage is more important. In the meantime, other solutions like YT, self-teaching and similar, can be used. Even if your son contributed to the housework, it seems the chunk of money is not available for lessons right now.

Regarding the petrol money, is there any chance your father would contribute to that if you explain the predicament? Can there be used alternative methods, like calling/video calling to keep in contact without the driving?

Sadly the situations that only daughters do all the running around when parents need help/are in care is very typical, that's for sure. That then impacts their energy and finances disproportionately as well.

btw, you write very well; you would have talent to be an author.

Total solidarity. Did everything for my dad who died an awful slow death from dementia. Put me back years in my career and destroyed all my friendships. I play pretend for my mother (who is naive and wants a happy ever after) but my brother is completely estranged as far as I am concerned.

I’m sure he will be as shit when it’s my mums time to go, I’ll be taking expenses out of the inheritance and then I plan to go full NC.

no way am I raising my son as a golden penis owner. He will help his sister or get disinherited.

Don’t think you should have to ‘ask’ for the same time off as a DB