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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say i’m not topping up my teens school account anymore

68 replies

Gmee · 22/04/2023 08:38

I have a teenager who does not eat breakfast in the morning despite having plenty of time she’s usually scrolling or faffing about with her hair.
She’s gone back to school this week and spent £20 on school lunches by thursday and text me on Thursday morning break to top up her account.
I can see the history online where i pay and she’s buying double quantities of things morning break then lunch! I’ve had this conversation with her because she will eat junk like 2 pizzas a cake slice for morning break, then a sausage roll x2, chips and cake x2z

Full meals are actually cheaper than the little bits she buys, I’ve tried to tell her eating junk food isn’t the way to go and she will feel worse and hungrier but I obviously know nothing. I actually refused on thursday to top up her account, she had enough to buy a full meal and water but i’ve told her a million times stop buying 2x the amount of food or going back twice

OP posts:

WalnuttyWhip · 22/04/2023 10:34

DS gets £15 a week and if it runs out he has to make a sandwich at home. He used to run out of money but now he’s learnt what he can afford or not afford to buy to stick within his budget. For example, he used to spend lots on bottles of juice which he now takes in from home.

slimdown · 22/04/2023 10:35

3.75 a day?! Yikes

Yes, I'm pleased you say that because I thought I was an outlier for thinking it was too much as other parents at the school don't seem to think so. We started by only putting £2.90 for the meal deal (main meal, drink and pudding) but in their school the teacher takes the class to breakfast during the lesson (they all sit together in the canteen) he's year 7, and the teacher made a comment to him that it was important to have something at this break and I think it made my son feel like he stood out. He could take something with him but I just wanted him to fit in being year 7, maybe I will rethink for year 8!!

TooTiredToAdultToday · 22/04/2023 10:46

Can you set up a daily direct debit which will top it up every day by a set amount so she has enough for her dinner for the day but can’t get excess

bumpytrumpy · 22/04/2023 10:47

slimdown · 22/04/2023 10:35

3.75 a day?! Yikes

That's really usual I think! Is the teaching expecting them to have not already had breakfast?

caringcarer · 22/04/2023 10:48

I put on £15 each week and Foster son is at college over lunch time 3 times each week so £5 a day. 1 day he goes in for 12 so eats a brunch at about 11 and the other day he finishes at 1.30 so eats when he gets home. He never asks for more and I know he sometimes buys his friend a wrap or hot chocolate as he does not get much lunch money.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 22/04/2023 10:51

I could've written your post word for word. Couple of times they've bought things for friends and I've applauded their generosity but made them pay out of their pocket money.

The issues we have are that the junk queue is quicker and because they are a later dinner time, they've quite often run out of 'proper' food. And there's just not enough time to eat it.

I now only do school dinners on a Fri and accept it'll be a junk food day. Bit rubbish really.

Minervia · 22/04/2023 10:54

I put £15 on each week and it's not enough. We have two problems - the drinks business mentioned by another poster... absolutely infuriating that he won't take one from home. But also our school has a really late lunch hour so they're eating at morning break and then lunch too. Also out school let's them go over so it really doesn't matter about budgeting. If they are over they are still getting their bacon sandwich and I'm topping up from minus figures yet again.

AutieAdult · 22/04/2023 10:58

Hubblebubble · 22/04/2023 10:20

These kids are so so lucky. Would it be worth having a conversation, not just about budgeting, but about poverty and neglect? You can frame it positively, encouraging a gratitude mindset.

Some will be buying for a friend they know can’t afford a snack.

slimdown · 22/04/2023 10:59

That's really usual I think! Is the teaching expecting them to have not already had breakfast?

I've no idea! They don't have break times like most schools, they don't have "play times" so they are all sat together in the canteen so if they don't have breakfast they just have to sit at the table with others eating.

DustyLee123 · 22/04/2023 10:59

I also questioned DS when it showed he was buying two of the same thing, turns out he, ie me, was buying for the GF too.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/04/2023 11:06

I put on £20 a week for my year 7 child. He doesn't spend it all but it's there. He does have breakfast at home though.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/04/2023 11:12

My y7 is pretty good, but we do have the issue where he's not had a 5 day week, and he feels compelled to spend the extra and tries to get the account back to the "right" numbers. He's autistic which is probably influencing his thinking.

I cook a breakfast in the morning which helps with the break time temptation so that feels less of a "treat". Sausage patties take about the same time to cook as toasting the bagel anyway, and he's not a cereal eater, so this is better and cheaper than going without and catching up.

NewMeforthemillionthtime · 22/04/2023 11:17

My DC make their own lunches and have £5 a week on their account for treats. But I put the whole amount in at the beginning of the month so they decide when to spend it. It has really helped them with budgeting because they know I won't be topping up at any time during the month.

CeeJay81 · 22/04/2023 11:22

I've had similar with my ds. From now on ive added £13 a week. I told him when it's gone its gone. The full meals are £2.55 a day, somits emough for a full meal but he often just gets bits and pieces. Buying drinks is really annoying and wasteful. He managed the first week after the hols ok like that, so will stick to it. Why do they have the canteen(more like a cafe it seems) open at break time aswell as lunch though? Its just more time to spend money. This was never a thing when I was a teen in 90s.

Hubblebubble · 22/04/2023 11:24

Could you give them enough for 5 x meals and 5 x snacks, then if they overspend they have the option of taking in a cheese sandwich and a piece of fruit?

Hubblebubble · 22/04/2023 11:27

@AutieAdult then this needs to be passed on to the schools safeguarding team. The child they're buying for is being neglected. Trust me, they'll hate feeling like a charity case having to rely on their friends kindness to eat.

Lostinalibrary · 22/04/2023 11:29

YANBU - I had this chat this week. I set it to auto top ups as I can’t use my phone at work to top up. £3.50 ish is normal for their school ad it’s expensive. We were getting to near enough £7 a day. Buying for someone else - I reported it to school.

Hubblebubble · 22/04/2023 11:31

@Lostinalibrary well done for reporting it to the school.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/04/2023 22:46

Lemons1571 · 22/04/2023 09:49

Mine take packed lunches by choice.

i give them an allowance, and have set them up with debit cards from age 11. Any lunches must come out of their allowance - they need to top up the school account using their debit card. So it’s entirely their choice whether they spend their allowance on school lunches or prioritise it for buying other stuff.

This is really interesting!

Do you mind if I ask you how much you give them? Do they have to buy clothes for themselves out of their allowance? (Possibly besides school uniform).

I’m thinking of giving my kids more each month but then they have to use that for literally everything they want, maybe with an amount put aside for clothes they need or want 🤔

Whatafustercluck · 22/04/2023 23:00

I gave 12yo ds a certain amount every month and helped him work out what that meant he could spend each day. He did the budgeting well, but it came hand in hand with me expecting him to eat healthily too. When I noticed that wasn't happening, I talked through healthy choices (and portions) and said he could have one 'treat' day a week provided the others were healthy. I said if things didn't improve by x month i'd stop paying into the account and put the money towards the weekly food shop instead and he could make sandwiches for lunches and eat healthily at home instead. Things improved for a month or so but he then went backwards and started putting on weight. At this point I told him I meant what I said, so he now has a pack up for lunch and proper food (including fruit and veg ) at home.

I think you need to give your dd some help, advice and the chance to budget and make healthy choices. And if things don't improve, then stop paying it.

MrsCarson · 22/04/2023 23:09

Dd takes a packed lunch. She will occasionally use what I on her account. She stopped when I told her off for buying cost each morning. It cost as much as a loaf go bread, she was told we have bread if you want toast make it here and eat it, not pay through the nose for two slices for a £1. I'd gone up recently too.
I'd give a set amount and let her budget or take a sandwich if she runs out.

MrsCarson · 22/04/2023 23:09

cost? I mean toast.

MusicInAWord · 22/04/2023 23:27

I stopped my son using the school canteen when I realised he was buying breakfast, snacks and lunch - and it was all crap. It was packed lunches from them on.

Wazzzzzuuuuuuup · 22/04/2023 23:36

Call me mean, but I would let my teens learn that when you run out, that's tough. I can't afford to eat my lunch in the work canteen every day. I buy plenty of lunchbox foods and both my dcs who are still at school have hot flasks and can take leftovers.

I put on £20 each pm and when it's gone, it's gone.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/04/2023 23:42

I think a certain amount a week - to teach sensible budgeting - is perfectly fine. A good idea.

The thing that would really drive me mad is buying drinks. One rule I have with my Dd (14) is that she has to bring in water from home and drink that. I’m not overly strict about what she has at all, but one thing I’m not spending money on is sweetened drinks every day - or bottles of water that’s the same as tap. Luckily Dd is on board with this as she very environmentally conscious.

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