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Original poster

Men who mistreated you being nicer to new partners

40 replies

Beingnobody · 21/04/2023 22:28

Does it bother you? Obviously don't want them to treat another woman badly, but what I mean is have you ever had a partner (male or female) who didn't treat you properly, or even abused you, and then you see them being incredibly nice to their next partner.
I was only dating the guy on and off for 7 months, so hardly a serious relationship I know.
I was a few years younger than now and incredibly naïve as well as being a pushover.
He claimed a lot of times he was 'too busy ' to see me more than once a month even though he lived 1.5 miles away from my parents ' house and had no children.

Then he told me (after sleeping with me) 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didn't sleep with you?"
At a party of his, his friend asked 'how long have you two been together?" And he pulled a face and said 'together??'
Why i didn't walk out there and then I don't know..
Even after we ended he randomly messaged a friend of mine who he didn't even know and asked her if I'd 'always been crazy ".

I never mistreated this man, but I was stupid to chase him when he clearly wasn't interested in anything more than the occasional meet up when it suited him. I called him out on his behaviour and that got me the 'moody and crazy' label from him.

Anyway the other day he was tagged in something on social media via a mutual friend (I don't have him on any social media anymore).
I saw that he's had a new girlfriend for around 9 months. He writes all these gushy posts about her, as does she, and seems to treat her so well, writes how much he loves her and how he makes her incredibly happy.

The guy makes me vomit, I'd never dream of dating him again. However for some reason it hurts that someone can treat you so badly yet be so nice to someone else.

I don't know why, it shouldn't. Does anyone else feel like this? Even though I moved on a long time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingnobody · 21/04/2023 22:31

He also told me I was a 'horrible person' because I deleted him off social media despite him telling me to 'have a nice life.'

It sounds so toxic and messy and it was. It still hurts me looking back.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 21/04/2023 22:38

He’s not suddenly a nice person. He’ll revert to type eventually if he hasn’t already. Don’t make the mistake of thinking social media is true to life. Plenty of people write gushy posts about their partners whilst cheating on and abusing said partner.

BananaSpanner · 21/04/2023 22:40

I didn’t mean to sound unsympathetic though. Of course it hurts, that’s natural. There will be a time when you are happy again and don’t give him a second thought.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:41

I’m sorry op, do you want me to be honest. If so he wasn’t that into you. I’m sorry,

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 21/04/2023 22:42

It means one of two things

  1. he’s learnt his lesson and changed
  2. He’s just going to be a dick later rather than sooner
DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:44

Not quite the same, but my first long term boyfriend always told me he’d never leave his home town and when I got a brilliant new job 70 miles away he refused to come with me. We split after a few months of a long distance relationship. About 2 months later he moved 200 miles away with his new girlfriend, to her home town. He also would never let me go out with him and his friends (although their girlfriends would be there) but his new partner was ‘allowed’ to join in all his social activities. I laugh about it now but it hurt a lot at the time.
Anyway he married her and they’ve just divorced as she cheated on him so… karma I guess?

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:45

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 21/04/2023 22:42

It means one of two things

  1. he’s learnt his lesson and changed
  2. He’s just going to be a dick later rather than sooner

It really doesn’t, I’ve had guys who I wasn’t so into who i,admittedly should not have got with and my disinterest was clear, and I’ve had guys I’ve fallen hard for. I’d be surprised if most of us hadn’t done it,

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:46

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:41

I’m sorry op, do you want me to be honest. If so he wasn’t that into you. I’m sorry,

Normally best to wait for the answer to ‘do you want me to be honest?’ before going ahead and doing it anyway 😉

Theunamedcat · 21/04/2023 22:46

I'm wife number two wife number three is in the works it burns me how bad he was to us and how bad he is to his kids then I remember he was good to us too before we got married

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:47

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:44

Not quite the same, but my first long term boyfriend always told me he’d never leave his home town and when I got a brilliant new job 70 miles away he refused to come with me. We split after a few months of a long distance relationship. About 2 months later he moved 200 miles away with his new girlfriend, to her home town. He also would never let me go out with him and his friends (although their girlfriends would be there) but his new partner was ‘allowed’ to join in all his social activities. I laugh about it now but it hurt a lot at the time.
Anyway he married her and they’ve just divorced as she cheated on him so… karma I guess?

70 miles isn’t a long distance relationship though, irs a commute,so I’m sorry my point stands, he wasn’t feeling it, I’m sorry. He was clearly a twat who was feeling it for the wrong person.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:48

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:46

Normally best to wait for the answer to ‘do you want me to be honest?’ before going ahead and doing it anyway 😉

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Yeah that’s fair…

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:49

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:47

70 miles isn’t a long distance relationship though, irs a commute,so I’m sorry my point stands, he wasn’t feeling it, I’m sorry. He was clearly a twat who was feeling it for the wrong person.

Show quote history

Yeah I know that 🤷🏻‍♀️, that was pretty much my point. You’re acting like you’re dropping some huge bombshell on me but it was 15 years ago now and I figured that out for myself 15 years ago 😂. Looking back it was a shit relationship anyway, and I’m glad we split.

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:52

(I’m now very happily married by the way, and my husband moved to 3 different countries with me and my job).

Loria · 21/04/2023 22:55

Nobody commutes 70 miles to work!

Anyway OP who knows? People act different with different people. I'm sure you haven't treated everyone you've been in a relationship with the same.

He was cruel to you and he treated you carelessly.

Maybe he's the same with his new squeeze, maybe not but actually the important thing is that he wasn't good for you, you're not with him any more and that's a good thing.

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 22:56

Loria · 21/04/2023 22:55

Nobody commutes 70 miles to work!

Anyway OP who knows? People act different with different people. I'm sure you haven't treated everyone you've been in a relationship with the same.

He was cruel to you and he treated you carelessly.

Maybe he's the same with his new squeeze, maybe not but actually the important thing is that he wasn't good for you, you're not with him any more and that's a good thing.

I certainly wasn’t planning to commute 70 miles to work every day, which is why I moved closer to my job, whether he came with me or not!

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:56

Nobody commutes 70 miles to work

what> of course they do, many folks.

Iheartsummertime · 21/04/2023 22:58

He sounds awful, you are well rid. And you have no idea how he actually is with his new gf, gushy fb posts always make me wonder if they are protesting too much.

ElTingo · 21/04/2023 23:04

I've not been in this situation, but generally the gushier the Facebook posts are, the worse the relationship imho. The happiest couples know don't post gushy posts

ASimpleLampoon · 21/04/2023 23:04

It's all a show! Its very easy to write a Facebook post, but actually being a good partner takes some effort.

My abusive father comes across as a wonderful husband, father and grandfather on Facebook, but the reality of being around him is very different from his carefully curated social media persona.

Men like that are very different in real life \ behind closed doors.

1930toEdinburgh · 21/04/2023 23:06

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 22:41

I’m sorry op, do you want me to be honest. If so he wasn’t that into you. I’m sorry,

This comment is completely left field and bitchy. She's asking about men being nice to new partner. She's not asking for opinions on whether he likes her.

So bitchy.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 23:09

1930toEdinburgh · 21/04/2023 23:06

This comment is completely left field and bitchy. She's asking about men being nice to new partner. She's not asking for opinions on whether he likes her.

So bitchy.

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Oh god really? I’m looking at rhe responses and thinking it’s me, I’m the only one who ever got with guys who i quite liked but wasn’t really into and treated badly, and treated my husband well as i was totally into him,

sorry op, 😞

DanceMonster · 21/04/2023 23:12

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 23:09

Oh god really? I’m looking at rhe responses and thinking it’s me, I’m the only one who ever got with guys who i quite liked but wasn’t really into and treated badly, and treated my husband well as i was totally into him,

sorry op, 😞

Show quote history

I don’t tend to treat people badly, whether I’m in love with them or not. If I found myself treating someone badly (certainly as described in the OP) I’d be disgusted with myself and end the relationship. So yeah, maybe it is just you 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Dithyramb · 21/04/2023 23:16

OP, regardless of the actual nastiness of this individual, I think that many people change up for a new, exciting relationship, and are on their best behaviour, but it doesn’t necessarily last.

One of my best friends ended his long marriage in a way that Mn doesn’t believe in (no new relationship to go to, he just moved out and lived alone for a couple of years). He was then briefly all zingy and active and trying new stuff when he got a new girlfriend, but now that she’s moved in and it’s no longer shiny and new, his ‘early in the relationship’ persona is slipping and he’s falling back into exactly the patterns of ‘prematurely aged bachelor’-type behaviour that made his marriage so stale. I see this relationship going down the same road.

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 23:16

Live and learn.

My ex got married after we split up but it took him years to mature to it. He was gushy to me in the early days and seemed like a great man...but that turned into jealousy and control.

So no, I dont envy his new wife or compare myself to her or think I wasnt good enough. I just hope he doesnt say she looks like a slag if she wears a knee length dress, doesnt search her phone or square up to her and shout two inches from her face.

RoseMartha · 21/04/2023 23:17

My ex h is in a new relationship, and has been in several since we split and I had enough evidence he was in several when we were married although he claimed I didn't know what I was talking about when I asked him calmly about them.

His current partner thinks he is wonderful and the perfect
man. There is a lot of gushy SM posts which pop up on my feed.

From a distance I can see how it really is, he will be wonderful all the time it suits him and then he will change and she will see the real him. But that might not be until a few years down the line.

He still does his best to be abusive to
me and uses the kids also to get at me.
And presents to the world as a really good dependable guy. But he is not there to spend time with our dc, they come third in his life after his partner and work, I dont think they ever change. He has an image he wants the world to see but that is not who he truly is.