Men who mistreated you being nicer to new partners

[Beingnobody]

Does it bother you? Obviously don't want them to treat another woman badly, but what I mean is have you ever had a partner (male or female) who didn't treat you properly, or even abused you, and then you see them being incredibly nice to their next partner.
I was only dating the guy on and off for 7 months, so hardly a serious relationship I know.
I was a few years younger than now and incredibly naïve as well as being a pushover.
He claimed a lot of times he was 'too busy ' to see me more than once a month even though he lived 1.5 miles away from my parents ' house and had no children.

Then he told me (after sleeping with me) 'how was I supposed to know if I liked you or not if I didn't sleep with you?"
At a party of his, his friend asked 'how long have you two been together?" And he pulled a face and said 'together??'
Why i didn't walk out there and then I don't know..
Even after we ended he randomly messaged a friend of mine who he didn't even know and asked her if I'd 'always been crazy ".

I never mistreated this man, but I was stupid to chase him when he clearly wasn't interested in anything more than the occasional meet up when it suited him. I called him out on his behaviour and that got me the 'moody and crazy' label from him.

Anyway the other day he was tagged in something on social media via a mutual friend (I don't have him on any social media anymore).
I saw that he's had a new girlfriend for around 9 months. He writes all these gushy posts about her, as does she, and seems to treat her so well, writes how much he loves her and how he makes her incredibly happy.

The guy makes me vomit, I'd never dream of dating him again. However for some reason it hurts that someone can treat you so badly yet be so nice to someone else.

I don't know why, it shouldn't. Does anyone else feel like this? Even though I moved on a long time ago.

Thanks for all your replies. You're right I guess, these gushy Facebook posts are rubbish a lot of the time. She wrote 'finally, I've met somebody who treats me properly.'
You almost wonder if it's the same person they're talking about as you never knew them like that.

It could be any of things.

May not be in to you - sorry that’s not bitchy, it’s a possible truth. Some people don’t like to be alone, may use people until something better shows up.
His real persona may emerge with time.
May be on the rebound and not care, simply be after sex or whatever.

Just be thankful he’s not your problem! He simply isn’t very nice.

There’s all sorts of reasons for this though isn’t there?

Men who are appalling partners when young, over invested in their job, selfish etc who genuinely improve and learn from relationships as they go along. Very unfair on the women they “practice” on.

Or it’s a pragmatic choice because they have got older themselves and they are happy and settled with wife number three.

Or they are nice to all of their partners when it’s all exciting sex and dating etc but are neglectful and selfish the moment illness or financial problems or babies come along and they can’t maintain the love bombing.

Or the ones who are genuinely in love with their first wives but somehow can’t buckle down to the responsibility of family life or can’t live up to what is expected of them, or what they expect of themselves, so they just go in to have serial monogamous relationships that are shallow and don’t have any real depth.

That would just make me think he's in the early love bombing stages. This woman sounds like she has sadly been in abusive relationships before.

I have a few FB friend who have a repeated FB pattern of:

1. New relationship - best thing ever - loads of gushy posts - finally, I've found the one -possibly get engaged

1. Gushy posts fizzle out over time- silence

1. Break up - he truth about how awful they were- post quotes about going it alone, not needing a man, knowing your worth etc

1. New relationship- the cycle restarts.

These are people I don't know well and my hear sinks at the ever repeating cycle. Good knows how it would feel if it was a close friend or sister.

I have worked with survivors of serious domestic abuse.

What you are describing is someone who basically was never in to you but just saw you as a convenience at the time. What women seem to forget is that many men can have sex with women they don’t even like let alone love.

What you need to take from this is as soon as a man does anything you do not like you walk away from them. You wrote it yourself, you chased him. My hairdresser told me she dumped someone once because she didn’t like the way her he ate apples. Be a bit more like her.

I think it could be that as a pp said his current girlfriend is sadly about to restart a cycle of abuse she might have been in before.
But also it could be that he wasn't that into you.
The important thing for you is that if anyone ever disrespects you again like he did you ditch them.
How they treat others is irrelevant if they treat you like shit.

Mans view here.
I've met some appalling bullies and narcicists from my sex who have treated women dreadfully, but the OPs description doesn't really sound like an abuser or a bully, it just sounds like they were dating but mis-matched.

He said a few thing that caused offence, maybe hes a direct talking sort of bloke, or has a dry sarcastic humour, that you didn't get but his new partner does.

Myself and my wife both have a sharp wit and enjoy wordplay, i'll cut her down and she'll come right back, or vice versa - its one of the reasons we hit it off in the first place.

It sounds as if he was dating you, but just not that into you. He has presumably met someone who he really has clicked with and has fallen for, and vice versa, and as such they are having a jolly nice time.

Yep I had a long term boyfriend of 6 years. We bought 2 houses together. He wasn't very nice to me and was very dominant.

In our 6 years I got pregnant and I had an abortion as it was made clear I had no other option, wouldn't go on a bike ride or anything as didn't like cycling and the told the room in front of everyone at our friend's engagement party that he didn't believe in marriage (first I knew of it).

Anyway found out he was carrying on with his boss we broke up.

About a month later he cycled past me with her on matching bikes, she was pregnant within 9 months (about 2 years after I was pregnant) and then they were married 2 years later.

Just typing this out has bought back the humiliation I felt.

I was an idiot for staying available to him for as long as I did. He clearly wasn't that into me and I just wish I had had the courage to get up and walk out before I wasted as long as I did with him.

Sadly even where there are men whose unreasonable behaviour is known, there will be women with such low self-esteem willing to enter into a relationship with such men. The behaviour of such men is what should be condemned though, and there should be consequences.

Not making one Tory leader and Prime Minister as happened in 2019.

Sometimes 2 people bring out the worst in each other. Not deliberately, it's a chemistry & circumstances outcome.

My dad's parents split up very acrimoniously in 1947. My dad says his bio parents were both firecrackers; both went onto marry and stay forever married to opposite personalities, kind patient quiet partners.

There’s two things here.

It sounds like he’s more into the new woman than he was into you and people are allowed to feel differently towards different people. That is in no way a reflection on you or your worth.

There’s no excuse for how he behaved towards you. A decent man should never have treated you like that.

The real difference between you and her is that he showed you who he really is. She may not see that nasty streak until she’s deeply entangled.

And it’s important to know that lovey gushy relationships are as much a red flag as abusive ones. Healthy relationships are a bit more boring than that really.

My ex cheated on me for years, financially abused me and treated me like shit

i can only hope he’s nicer to his new Mrs. Only because I wouldn’t want her to go through what I did

My ex husband definitely sets the bar lower for his partner (the other woman). She hasn't gelled with our children at all, and I can't imagine being with someone like that. I do think men are more able to compartmentalise, whereas for women everything has to flow.

It was 15 years ago chances are he's grown up..and met S someone he wanted to.be.in a serious relationship

I wouldn’t be too certain. A leopard never changes its spots.

My ex’s ex wife is very naive if she thinks he was a changed man just because he was with me. If a man has form for it, he will behave the same way again and again.