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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay my son starting school and home schooling him?

71 replies

FakePlanet · 21/04/2023 22:07

DS is due to start primary in September. He turns 4 in June so is young for year. We got the place we wanted but..I think i want to delay him starting until Sep 2024, so he will be 5, turning 6 during reception year.

Few things

He has been at a private pre school. They say they aren’t best placed to support his "needs"

Hasn't been diagnosed as still on list but now started private and the consultant says "no doubt on the spectrum" but did say he was confident he could go mainstream school.

He talks but like this "Bobby love mummy. Mummy Bobby best friend"

Reading feels miles away. We can't get through one book at bedtime without him trying to bite down on the pillows or throw toys or try to take his pyjamas off etc.

No concentration. Runs away a lot.

We have found a lovely school but the classes are near 30. The pre school tell me he can only really manage activities with 121 support or very small groups. I cannot imagine for a second him learning or be able to cope with 28 or so other kids in a room.

I just feel one more year would help. Pre school won't have him so would be me asking boss to have time/family/get a nanny a couple of days a week. I work full time and haven't spent as much time as I could focusing on development, getting him to stop hitting me etc felt more like a priority! But I could make progress in a year maybe

But am I setting him to stand out? He will the oldest by some months and he is quite big physically so will be much bigger than the small ones next year.

How common is it? Do people know of kids who do it successfully? Should I just stop worrying?

And the local authority told me to wait until he starts priamry to apply for an EHCP but starting to think that's the wrong advice.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 21/04/2023 22:14

I can completely see where you're coming from but is it realistic that you can dedicate your attention to him whilst working.

Also worth checking if he will start recreation a year late or go straight into year 1 as it differs between areas.

NuffSaidSam · 21/04/2023 22:19

I'd put him into school so they can get the ball rolling on getting him the help he needs asap. Also, if he can't cope in a mainstream school you're better off finding that out sooner rather than later.

I think if you were planning to homeschool all through/for several years it could be a good option, but I don't think there is much value in just delaying everything for a year.

LemonBall · 21/04/2023 22:22

My understanding is that, when you delay the start, they don't then start in reception- he'd be going straight into Y1 so would not be the oldest. I don't know whether that's better or worse.

BecauseTheOnlyWayIsUp · 21/04/2023 22:22

My childminder (confidently) told me that in their opinion home schooling is only to benefit the parent and I have to agree I am afraid. Trust the teachers to help guide your son, it's what they are trained to do.

Saltired · 21/04/2023 22:26

Don’t you have the option to defer? Here in Scotland you can defer and have an extra year funding for nursery for any child who is not 5 by the time they start school (and our cut off is February so we are talking about half of the intake)

modgepodge · 21/04/2023 22:27

LemonBall · 21/04/2023 22:22

My understanding is that, when you delay the start, they don't then start in reception- he'd be going straight into Y1 so would not be the oldest. I don't know whether that's better or worse.

Not true any more, summer borns have the right to request to defer and start a year later in reception not year 1. The school don’t have to agree to this but lots of people do it now.

in your case OP it does sound like he would benefit, but probably from doing another year in nursery/pre school rather than staying at home. If he can’t remain at his current preschool can you look for a different one? If he’s used to going to a formal setting then a year out of it may not be the best thing for him?

LemonBall · 21/04/2023 22:27

modgepodge · 21/04/2023 22:27

Not true any more, summer borns have the right to request to defer and start a year later in reception not year 1. The school don’t have to agree to this but lots of people do it now.

in your case OP it does sound like he would benefit, but probably from doing another year in nursery/pre school rather than staying at home. If he can’t remain at his current preschool can you look for a different one? If he’s used to going to a formal setting then a year out of it may not be the best thing for him?

Show quote history

That's good to know, thanks.

lucylukes · 21/04/2023 22:30

Stop worrying. Speaking from experience of one almost 12 year old just wrapping up primary. You don’t need to send him at 4.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 21/04/2023 22:32

School is not good generally for autistic kids. It’s a very loud and stressful environment. A lot of kids who are home educated are kids who had to drop out of school for having their SENs unmet. I home educated my son until he was nearly 13 (after he learned absolutely nothing for over a year at primary school). I think it was the best move for him. We moved at exactly his level. He went to private school (small classes) and was put into top set for everything. I would say that you absolutely must make sure he socialises several times a week either with home educated kids or Cubs, church groups etc. That’s as important as reading and writing etc. Join your local home education Facebook groups.

Original poster
FakePlanet · 21/04/2023 22:32

@modgepodge @BecauseTheOnlyWayIsUp yes maybe the Home schooling idea is bad. I have this horrible guilt I haven't tried hard enough and haven't done letters or anything so thought i should try to improve things myself. They do it at pre school though. I did think about another nursery for a year instewd but he's already been to 2 nurseries - so much change for a small boy who hates change. I think he's becoming increasingly aware that he's not able to keep up with his peers at pre school and it makes him sad and isolated and I want to protect him from that which will be worse at school as the clases are big and not so many staff.

OP posts:
AlifeOfPumpkinSpice · 21/04/2023 22:37

Your worries are completely understandable. I debated the same thing when DD started primary (end of August birthday) the choice is yours to make and as his mum you know what will be best for you and your family.
If it helps my DD started main stream school pre-verbal, still in nappies, biting and had to be in Princess dress up everyday. School helped gather evidence for her EHCP and provided 1 to 1 support prior to getting the funding as she needed it. Are school aware of his needs and feel they'll be able to meet them? Have you spoken to the School SENCO or the council SEND about your worries and thoughts? It might be possible to have a longer transition?

alyceflowers · 21/04/2023 22:41

Speak to the school about deferring for a year and find a preschool that will take your son. He will still get funding.

tourdefrance · 21/04/2023 22:43

The school will be able to help get him support. If you home school for a year, that effectively delays the support. You could ask your GP to refer you to a paediatrician but a diagnosis (which can take over a year) doesn't automatically entitle you to support.
Also be aware of the pressure you are putting on yourself. Homeschooling a child is hard work and could be a very lonely and exhausting task.

pjani · 21/04/2023 22:43

I agree with the others - delaying doesn’t sound unreasonable but I wouldn’t home school during that time, I’d try and find the most helpful and supportive place, maybe he could start half days if that’s an option. They will be very experienced at understand and responding to different needs.

My DC has always been slow with language but it helped being around other children (more than being with me I’d say). Social skills are also important.

googledidnthelp · 21/04/2023 23:11

You definitely need to confirm whether he would go into reception or straight into year one. My ds birthday is 31st August, he literally could start school a few days after turning 4.

Whilst I think it could be hard for him being young, I can't help but think going straight into year one where the children are used to school and have friendship groups could be harder.

Depending on the spaces at the school he has been accepted you could ask if they would
Permit him to take his space part time. He isn't obliged to go to school until 5, so if they allow he could just dip in and out through the week as much as think he can manage. You could build it up over time and even to full time as he gets older.

This is the route we may take if the school we get into accepts it, number's depending.

If you think your DS needs extra support then that won't go away just because he is older, so that's a separate issue you need to address and I imagine you need a diagnosis to get further classroom support on a 1:1 basis,

Basildeleaf · 21/04/2023 23:29

BecauseTheOnlyWayIsUp · 21/04/2023 22:22

My childminder (confidently) told me that in their opinion home schooling is only to benefit the parent and I have to agree I am afraid. Trust the teachers to help guide your son, it's what they are trained to do.

Interested to know what your childminder based her opinion on? What is her (or your) experience of home education?

I mean I could spout off on many a subject I know nothing about...not saying you are, but always useful to qualify an opinion, otherwise...

Fishflopper · 21/04/2023 23:34

I can't pass comment on whether you should or shouldn't delay starting school. But I will say Dd2 who is in yr 2 has a child in her class who was delayed a yr and has autism. That child is 8 all the other children are 7. The school is mainstream with a large number of children with addition needs so this child having autism isnt something dd or her friends have picked up on but know about. But the fact this child is older and as they call it 'held back a yr' is a much talked about subject, more from curiosity rather than being mean.

UsingChangeofName · 21/04/2023 23:41

Not true any more, summer borns have the right to request to defer and start a year later in reception not year 1. The school don’t have to agree to this but lots of people do it now.

But you need to have formally requested to defer and have the LA (or school if it is an academy) agree to the request. That is a long, long way from being automatic. You can't just say you won't send him and then apply for a Reception place next year. Only children who are of Reception age in 24 can apply for a place in 24, unless the LA / Academy have formally agreed to a deferment. If you just don't send him, then the place you will be applying for, will be in Yr1, and of course, if the school is popular, there might not be a place. The school won't keep an place for him.
Other children who haven't started school will be applying for a place in Yr1, which will be a MUCH more challenging adjustment than starting in Reception which should be following the Early Years Curriculum.
Plus, even if you had applied, and had been accepted, a place isn't reserved for you, you have to apply following the criteria the next year, and depending on how close you are / how many places are filled with siblings etc, you potentially might not get.

justlurkinghere · 21/04/2023 23:43

I'd make contact with some local home-schooling groups. You will probably find that home-schooling is not what you think it is, or what other people who haven't done it, think it is. By making contact with those living it, you will be much better informed to make a decision about home-schooling based on real facts.

Otherwise, my understanding is that it's generally better to be one of the older ones in the class rather than one of the younger ones, so delaying a year might be a good thing.

You are your son's mother. You know him best. If you think waiting a year is the right thing, maybe it is?

Basildeleaf · 21/04/2023 23:43

Googledidn'thelp great advice. Many ASD children are home educated and there's a reason for that. Schools are not equipped to adequately support such children, even those no additional support needs are left feeling 'different' to their peers - in the playground if not the classroom.

Reach out to your local home ed community on fb. Hopefully you'll find them welcoming. They can provide a wealth of expertise and experience that school cannot hold a candle to.

As for your question - the first few years at school are often okay for ASD kids, it's as they get older the challenges really become apparent. ASD people frankly need and deserve better than what the school system can offer. There are options out there for your child to absolutely thrive but they will need a community that 'gets' them. Mumsnet, generally, does not!

Cantstaystuckforever · 21/04/2023 23:56

You need to talk to the school, lots of them will only accept the request in exceptional circumstances, and you don't want to end up with him then end up going to an undesirable school or straight into year 1.

However, with hindsight one of my summer born kids was absolutely ready for school at 4, the other would have really benefited from an extra year's wait - but it was pre-covid, and not usually allowed at our school, so I didn't ask. He's absolutely ok now and school can help a lot with accessing support, but if I could go back in time I probably would have tried to get him to start at 5. It can be worth pushing for, even just to know you tried.

I'd also really recommend an ed psych, privately it will be expensive but then so is an extra year at home, and they can help with paths.

Nevermind31 · 22/04/2023 00:37

I would take him out of a pre-school that can’t meet his needs!
try a school or private nursery instead, and have a look around for schools - some a better placed than others

BOYBANDLOVER · 22/04/2023 01:27

i home educate. in fact do radical unschooling(give it a google) its a whole lifestyle choice not just a education route

my 12 and 18 y old has many disabilities each

oldest did 4 years before i took him out(didn't know home ed existed, if i did he wouldnt have gone) but hes a September baby so started reception at 5,he never did nursery

youngest is a august baby and would have been just 4 starting. i never did nursery as hes always been delayed. as oldest was home ed he just fitted in

hes never been to school.
village school wouldnt take him and no special schools exist here(im rural wales)

hes 12 now and mentally 8-9

there's millions of us out there and its a real community online and in person

what i will advise is though google the difference between home schooling and home education they are opposite routes to take

JackiePlace · 22/04/2023 01:31

BecauseTheOnlyWayIsUp · 21/04/2023 22:22

My childminder (confidently) told me that in their opinion home schooling is only to benefit the parent and I have to agree I am afraid. Trust the teachers to help guide your son, it's what they are trained to do.

What nonsense. Your childminder is an education expert is she?

Divorcedalongtime · 22/04/2023 01:38

if You ask this question in the home Ed community you’d get more supportive answers…
school often doesn’t suit SEN kids.