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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you invite your parents to family holiday?

58 replies

GingerLemonSoda · 21/04/2023 20:50

For context we are a family of 4 and DM lives on her own.

We've invited DM to our holiday once a few years ago, but prefer to do our own thing so tend to just go on holiday by ourselves.

DM goes in a huff whenever I tell her we've booked a holiday without inviting her. The cost would usually go up quite a lot as she's a 5th person and we normally have to either book a separate room or pay premium for booking a suite room to fit 5 in.

Aibu to not invite her to our holidays? We do spend some weekends and holidays and Christmas at either hers or she stays over at ours.

OP posts:
Phoebo · 21/04/2023 21:48

We do, I like my parents and it's been great having these family memories. I'll treasure them when they are no longer around. My sister doesn't. We have a different relationship with our parents so it's not compulsory, although if your DM is on her own it is a nice thing to do occasionally

Original poster
GingerLemonSoda · 21/04/2023 21:54

Just to add... DM expects us to pay for her. Last time I asked if she wanted to tag along, the cost for her would be X amount. She said no she didn't want to pay.

OP posts:
Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 21:56

No, for us, we are all grown up. The drip feed of she wants you to pay makes it a hell no.

Tiamaria86 · 21/04/2023 21:59

GingerLemonSoda · 21/04/2023 21:54

Just to add... DM expects us to pay for her. Last time I asked if she wanted to tag along, the cost for her would be X amount. She said no she didn't want to pay.

Oh god no then

Gymmum82 · 21/04/2023 22:02

No my parents wouldn’t want to and I don’t think his would either.
I don’t think I would like to spend a week with either party. Holidays are family time just for us. I certainly would pay for them and they wouldn’t expect us to

tarmum · 21/04/2023 22:18

Difficult question. We always did half term (May) with parents (half a week each) in the UK. It wasn’t always easy for me but the memories that my DC have of those weeks by fair outweigh my own reservations. In short, they loved it and it stressed me out. However it wasn’t our only family holiday and I now look back (they are no longer with us) and I am so thankful that we had those times. It was a small sacrifice but so worth it.

Original poster
GingerLemonSoda · 21/04/2023 22:27

Thanks for all your comments. As a child my parents took me on holiday but grandparents were never invited. Guess I don't have any fond memories of going away with them. I did have lots of good times with them otherwise.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2023 22:44

I have done with my Mum a few times, but quite often she’ll get in a mood about something at some point, or have an argument with someone, so it’s not always that enjoyable.

She does pay her own way, but I just don’t really enjoy it if she’s going to be unpredictable and get annoyed about doing the things the kids want to.

Thighdentitycrisis · 21/04/2023 22:47

My DS invites me to join him and his partner. We have a trip planned this summer. They don’t have kids. They will also go away with partners parents and will have a break just them. I pay my way, the other family are much better off than me and foot the whole bill. Works for us.

almostwarm · 21/04/2023 22:47

We invite MIL sometimes, or holiday with her when she visits. I wouldn't holiday with either of my parents but for different reasons.

Fishflopper · 21/04/2023 23:21

Nope. My DM is alone, has been for years, never invited her on holiday, never will. My holidays are for my family. She takes her own holidays. Tbf she probably wouldn't even want to come holiday with us even if invited as our holidays are not to her taste

GertrudesGreens · 21/04/2023 23:37

Also she never took her mother or MIL and was always rather vocal about why and importance of family time. So she can hardly expect us to?

This. i'm not convinced it was the norm in previous generations to go on holiday where grandparents dominate the activities (dodgy hips, wanting food by a certain time and stuff that's been mentioned on the thread)- this wasn't a norm, they didn't do it, why woudl they expect it now?

it sounds like she's just being awkward and entitled OP.

5foot5 · 21/04/2023 23:41

We sometimes did but not every holiday.
DM only once for a full holiday but PILs several times.

It did work well for a time as we got on well and enjoyed similar things and they loved spending time with DD.

It got harder as they got properly old. You know how if you have small children then the type of holiday you can do is influenced by that? Very much the same when holidaying with people who are 75+. Which is a bit unfortunate when this is your main family holiday and the DC are now teens.

The whole holiday really has to be shaped around what the oldies can or cannot manage and as they were no longer independently mobile we couldn't really go separate ways for some days.

Eventually after a fairly difficult and frustrating fortnight in France, DH and I agreed that taking PIL on our family holiday wasn't really on anymore.

But I do have many fond memories of holidays with them when they were all still hale and hearty.

UsingChangeofName · 21/04/2023 23:56

Simple answer - no.

Nor did my Grandparents come with us.

I have invited my adult dc to come with me occasionally, but no Grandchildren involved, and I have treated them.

Oh, and that's with parents I loved and got on with. The more posts you have added, the even less likely I would have been to invite your Mum. Sounds like it would be a restriction from all the things your family wants from a holiday.

caringcarer · 22/04/2023 00:00

We invited my lovely MiL and FiL for many years. They were brilliant. They offered to babysit several nights so DH and I could go for romantic meals. FiL spent hours with DC with a crabbing net and managed to persuade DS to put the crabs back in water before we went home. MiL took turns at cooking and we all got on well. I think it helps that in-laws have no DD's of their own so they welcome me. Now FiL has died and MiL insists she does not want to go on holidays anymore. She prefers to stay home now. She is now 82.

Thatiswild · 22/04/2023 00:01

No. I’ve thought about it but I know it wouldn’t be a holiday for anyone. She’s very controlling and negative, so no. She, like your mum, expects to be involved in things even though she never gave those opportunities to her/my dad’s parents, that element is really annoying.

Phoebo · 22/04/2023 00:04

GingerLemonSoda · 21/04/2023 21:54

Just to add... DM expects us to pay for her. Last time I asked if she wanted to tag along, the cost for her would be X amount. She said no she didn't want to pay.

Oh well that's a bit different, I'd pay for mine and they'd insist on paying and we'd probably argue about who will pay. But expecting it is just ... tacky

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 22/04/2023 00:05

Yes we invite my parents usually twice a year.
They enjoy having their brood around them.

They won't be Here always and we love them.

Soproudoflionesses · 22/04/2023 00:14

My (widowed) mum always tries to change our plans to suit her requirements which is annoyong plus she is quite old and slow now so we would have to wait around for her. So now we book and tell her when we are going and how long for so she can come along if she likes - UK holidays only though

Nevermind31 · 22/04/2023 00:18

GingerLemonSoda · 21/04/2023 21:07

We're going on an activity all inclusive holiday and I know for sure she won't be doing most of those things so a total waste of money and she knows this. She's divorced and occasionally go away on trips with her own friends.

She tells me so and so's daughter did this for them and so and so's son in law paid for that. It's as if we don't do anything for her but we absolutely do!

I'm starting to wonder if she's trying to find something to boast to her friends about.. I'm sick of hearing her reactions. Why can't she just blxxdy say "oh that's lovely you've got something to look forward to!" or something along those lines.

Do you tell her… oh, so snd do’s mil is taking them to Disneyland, all paid for…
x’s mil is taking them to an all inclusive AND babysitting every night…
can you imagine, y’s mil booked a holiday, and she didn’t even check dates with them, terrible…?

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/04/2023 00:33

We used to invite DF, a widower, then started inviting FIL too, once MIL died. DF in particular is very good at fitting in and not being demanding, and the DC love him.

Appleblum · 22/04/2023 00:52

Yes but not all the time. We try to make it at least once a year though.

saltandpepper86 · 22/04/2023 00:55

We have been away for a weekend with DPs family MIL & SILs & cousins) which was nice, I was glad we had our own accommodation though as it still allowed it to be just us and DSs sometimes.

We have never invited my parents however I wouldn't mind it, they are quite set on going to the same place each year now though so we would have to tag along with them

Murdoch1949 · 22/04/2023 17:11

Mum and MIL seem only good for babysitting, school pickups, emergency childcare etc etc. Dare to want to go on holiday with her 'family' - noooooooo.

wedonttalkaboutyouno · 22/04/2023 17:29

No, never! It only recently occurred to me that maybe my parents might like to come on holiday with us, but I know it would be ridiculously hard work and not a holiday for us in the slightest. They never invited grandparents with us, so I get away with it easily.

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