Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad

33 replies

slowsundays · 20/04/2023 15:29

I'll preface this by saying DH and I have two wonderful pre-teen and teenage DD's. A few years ago, our beautiful, funny, amazing toddler DD who completed us died after a short and very sudden illness. Our family felt complete with DD and now on the other side of grief, our family somehow feels lacking.

I was speaking with my counsellor the other day who asked if we would have more children. While DH and I were open to the idea after a few years had passed, we've ultimately decided we simply can't afford to and it would impact our DD's and us too much with grief and shifting the house around again at a pivotal time in their life. While we would really love to, they come first. I expressed how this made me feel really sad - not just for who we've lost but how we'll never get any semblance of that back again.

The counsellor in no uncertain terms told me I was being pathetic and I have no right to be sad because if we wanted to, we would and it would be best not to dwell on the sadness and to just realise it is how it is.

I came off the call extremely upset. This is a new counsellor recommended through a friend who had a lovely experience and it's primarily for grief counselling and helping with PTSD symptoms (from DD's death). I just felt so awful for even thinking about another baby after DD and this counsellor made me feel even worse which is not the way I hoped to go in.

Is this a normal part of counselling? I feel it isn't but DSis thinks it's fine and that the counsellor was only giving her honest opinion to help me and I have no right to be sad when what she said was accurate.

OP posts:
Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 15:30

The counsellor in no uncertain terms told me I was being pathetic and I have no right to be sad because if we wanted to, we would and it would be best not to dwell on the sadness and to just realise it is how it is.

are you sure Op? I’ll say this gently but that doesn’t sound like it was probably the case in reality

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 15:30

I am so sorry for your loss

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 15:31

.DSis thinks it's fine

so you told dsis was you said above and her response was “it’s fine”? Very odd

Mischance · 20/04/2023 15:32

Sounds like a great counsellor! I would ditch them.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are bound to be confusing feelings around the further children debate.

A counsellor's job is not to pass an opinion - that is simply not part of what counselling is - but to listen and then help you to think through what is best for you.

Gymmum82 · 20/04/2023 15:33

Counsellors are not there to give opinions. They are there to help you to come to decisions yourself. I can’t imagine any counsellor telling a client they are pathetic

ClawedButler · 20/04/2023 15:33

That doesn't sound like something any genuine counsellor would say. Which suggests to me that either she is not genuine, or you, in your grief, have interpreted what she said this way.

Perhaps you could try a different counsellor?

Hankunamatata · 20/04/2023 16:16

Did they use the word pathetic?

Divorcedalongtime · 20/04/2023 16:20

Don’t use this therapist again, they have no right to make judgements or recommendations without yoj asking. So many terrible therapists out there.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/04/2023 16:27

Did they actually use the word pathetic? I find it hard to believe anyone qualified would say that. It's shocking if its true

I'm sorry for your loss

CurlewKate · 20/04/2023 16:32

@slowsundays Can I suggest you check out this counsellor's qualifications? This does not sound like something a trained professional would say. It seems to me that either she is a complete charlatan or you have somehow misinterpreted what she said. In either case, I think you need to find someone else.

MissTheMundane · 20/04/2023 16:37

Aww.. that sound tough OP.

Are you sure thats what the counsellor said? Or was that how they made you feel?

If that's actually what they said, then yes you should leave and get someone else. If it's not what they said maybe you could raise in your next session about what happened and how you felt and they may be able to help you work through it.

Original poster
slowsundays · 20/04/2023 17:07

Her exact words were "It's pathetic to waste time wondering what should be when you know you can't take that option anyway"

In my experience with counsellors they always ask how I feel and never put in their own two pence, always asking exploratory questions for me to get to my own answer. That's why I'm asking because it felt awful and wrong from my other experiences.

DSis has no experience of counselling so I think maybe she was agreeing with the point more than what was said but I am 100% those were the exact words because I was very taken aback and upset.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 20/04/2023 18:02

No that is awful.. "pathetic" 😱 Don't use her again and put a complaint in. She shouldn't be making vulnerable people feel worse.
I'm so sorry Flowers

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/04/2023 18:13

Nobody should be saying that it is pathetic .

OP speaking as someone who lost a DC many moons ago I can tell you there are still what if moments, they get less over time, but occasionally catch you off guard. The trick is trying to learn not to dwell on it. This also becomes easier over time.

You will get there be kind to yourself 💐

barmycatmum · 20/04/2023 18:16

Uhhh that is REALLY off on the part of the therapist. No good therapist would say something like that.
Grief is an important thing to experience and move through.
your sadness is completely valid.
I’m so sorry.

StJulian2023 · 20/04/2023 18:19

Your counsellor would think I am ‘pathetic’ too. You’re absolutely not.

Clarinet1 · 20/04/2023 18:27

Mischance · 20/04/2023 15:32

Sounds like a great counsellor! I would ditch them.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are bound to be confusing feelings around the further children debate.

A counsellor's job is not to pass an opinion - that is simply not part of what counselling is - but to listen and then help you to think through what is best for you.

This!⬆️
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. A good counsellor or therapist work with what
you are actually feeling, she doesn’t tell you
what you’re feeling is wrong or invalid.

Merryoldgoat · 20/04/2023 18:30

If those are her exact words then she’s outrageous and I’d complain about her.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 20/04/2023 18:39

Aww love you've had the worst thing happen. Your feelings are valid and of course you are grieving the family unit you had.

You aren't pathetic for grieving this and another child wouldn't fix that grief either. I would definitely switch counsellors and i probably would report her tbh. She needs to learn in her supervision how her poor use of words has affected you on such a difficult situation.

It's a cliche but the grief won't always feel all consuming even if it feels as painful.

Take care x

Choconut · 20/04/2023 18:42

The word pathetic shouldn't come out of a counsellors mouth about anyone! Not even an abusive ex! Counsellors need to stick to facts and YOUR feelings, not foist their negative personal opinions on you. They should not be invalidating your feelings.
I wouldn't see this person again and I would make a complaint and make sure that the next person you see is with BACP.
Remember, as current regulations stand, ANYONE can call themselves a Therapist, Counsellor or Psychotherapist.

Pashazade · 20/04/2023 18:50

This is awful. No decent therapist would talk like this. As PP says find a new therapist who's definitely registered with BACP. You really are not pathetic it's an extremely hard situation to find yourself in. I would say don't expect to come out the other side soon you have got many factors to try and make peace with/find a way of living with. You have every right to be finding things confusing/hard/emotional. Good luck.

AlwaysGinPlease · 20/04/2023 18:51

Report her. She absolutely should not be in this job. I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Silverperch · 20/04/2023 18:54

Ditch that counsellor. What a terrible thing to say.
I'm so sorry, and I'm sorry she upset you.

Concerned3 · 20/04/2023 19:11

I'm so sorry for your loss & for your experience.

Many counsellors are great, others less so, and unfortunately some are insensitive / unskilled.

It's likely this counsellor was trying to help you re-frame how you think about the situation- that having another child is not impossible, so try not to think of ot that way. The goal of that would likely be to create more mental & emotional space for more pleasant experiences, with a bit less taken up by focusing in the loss.

Obviously the situation is rather more nuanced than that. And possibly this counsellor should have been more sensitive in how they articulated that perspective.

Not all counsellors might take that particular angle, but most will try to help you to a place of acceptance. Highly skilled ones will be good at figuring out where you're at, and if/when you're ready to consider things in certain ways.

Nobody can say you don't have the right to feel sad. It would be surprising if that was the counsellors intended message.

Feeling sad is a crucial part of processing the various layers of loss, and it doesn't have an expiration date. Nor is it a case of 'done now', it's natural to ebb & flow.

It can be helpful to work on (as you obviously are, well done) not getting stuck in sadness, but that's not the same as just stop feeling it.

There might be something helpful in the thought that you may not ever 'get over' the loss, but can learn to live around it.

💐

YouOKHun · 20/04/2023 19:15

I agree with others, a counsellor’s job is not to tell you what to do and make judgements. Counselling is supposed to be a non-directive, supportive relationship where you can talk things through and work out how to move forward and/or make sense of previous events with someone who holds you in non-judgemental positive regard.

I also agree with @Choconut, find someone who has been accredited by the BACP and has specific trauma training if you have been diagnosed with PTSD. It is indeed unfortunate that the term “counsellor’ and “therapist” are not protected titles so pretty much anyone can decide they are one. Therefore stick to BACP counsellors and BABCP accredited CBT therapists (I mention them as they are very often trauma trained). If a counsellor or therapist is part of a more rigorous professional body then they will have had longer term training and clinical supervision during training and beyond. They will also be required to continue their training once qualified. BABCP therapists need a core profession and have to re accredit every 12 months. I think BACP also requires reaccrediting though it’s not my professional body so I’m not sure.

There are no guarantees about anyone; sometimes good counsellors make mistakes, sometimes the therapeutic relationship doesn’t gel, but at least if there is a higher barrier to entry some of the would-be counsellors and therapists who really aren’t suitable or have the wrong motivations tend not to reach accreditation stage. You’ve also got better recourse if things go wrong if the therapist is part of a decent professional body. It’s a minefield for people seeking support in the private sector I’m afraid.

Don't let it put you off seeking support @slowsundays and I hope you find someone who can give you the help and support you deserve to have 💐