To feel sad

[slowsundays]

I'll preface this by saying DH and I have two wonderful pre-teen and teenage DD's. A few years ago, our beautiful, funny, amazing toddler DD who completed us died after a short and very sudden illness. Our family felt complete with DD and now on the other side of grief, our family somehow feels lacking.

I was speaking with my counsellor the other day who asked if we would have more children. While DH and I were open to the idea after a few years had passed, we've ultimately decided we simply can't afford to and it would impact our DD's and us too much with grief and shifting the house around again at a pivotal time in their life. While we would really love to, they come first. I expressed how this made me feel really sad - not just for who we've lost but how we'll never get any semblance of that back again.

The counsellor in no uncertain terms told me I was being pathetic and I have no right to be sad because if we wanted to, we would and it would be best not to dwell on the sadness and to just realise it is how it is.

I came off the call extremely upset. This is a new counsellor recommended through a friend who had a lovely experience and it's primarily for grief counselling and helping with PTSD symptoms (from DD's death). I just felt so awful for even thinking about another baby after DD and this counsellor made me feel even worse which is not the way I hoped to go in.

Is this a normal part of counselling? I feel it isn't but DSis thinks it's fine and that the counsellor was only giving her honest opinion to help me and I have no right to be sad when what she said was accurate.

Sorry, just seen your second post. If your counsellor used those words then time for a new counsellor.

That's not a lack of skill in communicating a re-frame, that's a lack of empathy and it's worrying that they're practising at all, let alone in grief work.

I appreciate that this is a HUGE reach, and I don't actually believe it excuses this at all, however...

Pathetic does in its original meaning equal sad. Pathos - sadness, the opposite of bathos. It has only been over the years that the negative meaning has become predominant.

But a) I don't believe they meant that and b) if that is their primary usage of the word then frankly they're not in touch enough to be a useful counsellor.

the counsellor has no place putting her own opinion forward. She is there to listen and to help you explore, challenging if appropriate.

Never ever would be appropriate to tell someone they are / it is “pathetic” to feel a certain way. Especially when we are talking loss and bereavement. I cannot begin to understand why your counsellor felt it would be appropriate to use that language / word.

Aside from the shitty counsellor, of course you aren’t pathetic to feel the way you do. It is both reasonable and totally understandable why you are sad at having come to the conclusion you have. Sometimes we have to make decisions in life which aren’t the way we’d ideally like it to be but make the more practical and logical sense. You are prioritising your older children but of course you are allowed to feel sad and grieve the loss of what life may be like with another child.

I am so sorry for your loss OP, I can’t begin to imagine what you have all been through, you’re entitled to your feelings and you’re not wrong in any way. X

You have the right to drop a counsellor like you would anyone in your life who wasn't right. And this isn't right! The language is inappropriate and it upset you. Ditch and find a new therapist. Good luck, I'm rooting for you.

I'm
So sorry OP about your DD .. and you need another counsellor .. on your next appointment bring up how she made you feel and say on that note .. I feel your not the counsellor for me and then put in a complaint.. her view Does not matter .. the sessions are for you .. send you a hug

I'm so sorry for what you have been through and the loss of your DD.

A counsellor I saw a couple of years ago told me my inner critic was "a real cow". Now I know she was essentially saying I was being overly hard on myself but it felt like she was calling me a cow. Either way it really put me off her. (Amongst other things) I didn't go back. I agree - complain & find someone else, it's really important to be able to communicate properly & have a bit of rapport and trust otherwise it's not going to be useful at all. And a waste of money.

That's an awful thing to say.

You've suffered the most unimaginable grief and you've made an incredibly hard decision. Of course it's OK, and completely normal, to feel sad.

I would find another counsellor.

She should not be giving her opinion. I'm
Sorry someone you trusted said that to you.