Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let sisterin law stay in our house while we are away?

29 replies

StartupRepair · 20/04/2023 04:41

We are shortly leaving Australia for 3 weeks in Germany. DH has just announced that sister in law and her adult son would like to stay in our house while we are away. DN is having surgery and DSis would like to stay here with him for a few days.(She lives in a different city). I am generally very caring and hospitable but have been burned by sil before. A couple of years ago she came to stay two weeks which drifted to a month. During this visit dh and I went away for a weekend. I came home before him and walked in at midday to find the kitchen strewn with mountains of dirty dishes from the night before. She was apologetic as she had forgotten I was coming home but didn't see it as a big deal. I felt really disrespected.
I am also coming home earlier than dh from Germany. I am dreading getting off a long haul flight and not knowing what I will walk into at home if they are staying. . I have said to DH that they can stay if they are clearly told to leave the day before I get home. DH says he can't tell them that because it 'is not hospitable'.

OP posts:
Sleepyandconfused · 20/04/2023 05:01

If her child is having surgery I would let her stay. I’d prefer to wash some dishes than isolate a family member at a stressful time for a fairly minor reason.

BigChesterDraws · 20/04/2023 05:05

You don’t want her to stay before she used your dishes last time? That’s what it sounds like. Is she supposed to bring her own dishes?

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 20/04/2023 05:05

Not sure why the title of this thread refers to not letting sil stay when you have already said she can. The rest is just semantics. If the thought of coming back to a messy house is stressing you out then imo that’s quite enough reason not to turn it into the family Airbnb. Plus sil has form so dh is being unreasonable in offering her Carte Blanche. I’d put my foot down now, I believe hotels are a widely found amenity, let sil avail herself of one. No washing up for her either, win win.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 20/04/2023 05:07

I'd let her stay to look after her child after surgery, but then, dirty dishes wouldn't be the end of the world for me. Especially if the family member was apologetic and washed them.

Is it your husband's house too, or just yours?

SunnySaturdayMorning · 20/04/2023 05:09

YABVU. You weren’t “burned” before, she just hadn’t got round to the washing up yet Confused

greyhairnomore · 20/04/2023 05:09

BigChesterDraws · 20/04/2023 05:05

You don’t want her to stay before she used your dishes last time? That’s what it sounds like. Is she supposed to bring her own dishes?

No , because she left a load of unwashed dishes and the kitchen in a mess.

Original poster
StartupRepair · 20/04/2023 05:26

Last time it was midday. She was asleep. Dishes and pans were piled high on every surface of the kitchen, not just in the sink. She is in her 50s and her son is in his early 20s. He normally lives in a share house in the same city as us. We see him quite often.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2023 05:30

StartupRepair · 20/04/2023 05:26

Last time it was midday. She was asleep. Dishes and pans were piled high on every surface of the kitchen, not just in the sink. She is in her 50s and her son is in his early 20s. He normally lives in a share house in the same city as us. We see him quite often.

I don't actually have enough pans and plates to 'pile high' on every surface.

Hyperbole?

MichelleScarn · 20/04/2023 05:32

Will it actually be sil and dn so she can look after him staying at your house? If so a definite no! As can imagine they'll spin out a long stay to help his recovery!

Gruf · 20/04/2023 05:43

text Her yourself. Say you’re very happy for them to stay but could they ensure the house is tidy on your return as you’ll find it too overwhelming otherwise.

user1492757084 · 20/04/2023 05:47

Yes, let family stay.
Give them set dates which are available and also you remind SIL that you expect her to keep on top of the cleaning and dishes - not like last time. Just mention it once.
Leave a couple of reminder notes if the dishwasher is difficult etc. Also consider booking a cleaner for a few hours once you return.

It is kind, and fair that SIL gets another chance.

SunshineAndFizz · 20/04/2023 05:51

Of course let her stay.

She had left washing up? So what? She apologised and said she didn't realise you'd be back. You need to let it go, he's having surgery!

Put a schedule/dates when you're back on the fridge or something as a reminder. And text her the day before you get home so she definitely knows.

wednesdaynamesep · 20/04/2023 06:03

I don't actually have enough pans and plates to 'pile high' on every surface.

I don't have enough surfaces to accommodate all my pans and plates. Small kitchen.

Babsexxx · 20/04/2023 06:05

You are being absolutely ridiculous! Saying that you been burnt before over dishes? lol! Are you ok op?!!! If it’s your husbands house too I’d say it’s tough shit, and looks like they would be welcome regardless of your day so.

Yabvu!

TakeMyStrongHand · 20/04/2023 06:25

I get it. After a long haul flight, you want to get home and relax. Not make needless conversation with family or walk into a pigsty.

You're not unreasonable to ask but your husband is also not unreasonable to say he won't ask.

I wouldn't worry too much about mess, she can fix it.

Original poster
StartupRepair · 20/04/2023 06:42

Yes it's not so much about the dishes as about her tendency to take over spaces. When the DC were little she would arrive at their birthday parties and take over. Like decide to put on a video as the kids were too noisy or decide to serve the cake while I was in another room. I want to get off the plane after 30 hours in economy and go home to a lovely quiet calm house as I left it.
DH is her younger brother and her lifelong habit of bossing him about extends to me. I care about her but I don't like being walked over in my own home.

OP posts:
Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 06:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2023 05:30

I don't actually have enough pans and plates to 'pile high' on every surface.

Hyperbole?

Show quote history

I do! I have loads of pans and plates. A lazy fucker staying in my house would easily be able to make high piles around the sink if they just kept using them, and not washing them.

Anyway, a bit of hyperbole is allowed when you get home at lunchtime to a sleeping SIL in your own house, and a fuck ton of washing up.

I wouldn’t let her stay. My house has been similarly abused by my inlaws when I was away on my short honeymoon. Came home to find them all in the pool with a load of their guests, and the house a total bomb site.

I wouldn’t let anyway stay without me present now.

PortiasBiscuit · 20/04/2023 06:45

Of course you let her stay, why are you even asking?

FlamingoQueen · 20/04/2023 06:51

I would say no to them staying. Could she stay in a hotel so she can look after her son whilst he’s recovering (he stays where he is)? It may seem harsh, but you have to think of your own sanity and there will be no guarantee whatsoever that she will be gone by the time you come home. If she asks why, then you say that she disrespected your house last time and won’t be allowed to do so again.
There is a massive difference between coming home to last nights dishes on the side and a few days dishes on the side.
My family once stayed in one of my sibling’s in-laws house (to look after pets) and she couldn’t believe how clean her house was when she got back. I only gave it a quick dust/ vacuum!! That’s how it should be - not you stressing over what’s going on. I assume she doesn’t have a key.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 06:54

PortiasBiscuit · 20/04/2023 06:45

Of course you let her stay, why are you even asking?

It’s the OP’s house, the SIL has previously abused it, because the SIL bosses the H around to get what she wants, and because the OP doesn’t want to arrive home after a 30-hour flight to a fucked uo house. Again.

rookiemere · 20/04/2023 07:14

Because of the circumstances I would let her stay, but DH needs to tell her very clearly that she needs to be out before you get back sheets need to be washed and dishes done.

If you have any contact with her I'd reinforce that "Hope all goes well for DNs surgery.We'll be back on xx and tired after travelling so we need the house back to ourselves for that date. Please make sure you clean and tidy kitchen and wash your sheets- couldn't face coming home to that after our x hour flight!"

Howyiz · 20/04/2023 07:17

Tell your dh he can either set limits on the visit or he can say no.

It in completely understandable that you would be exhausted after such a long trip and not want to walk straight into hosting/cleaning.

Make sure he tells her that the house needs to be left in the same condition it was given.

Also be prepared that if he won't set the boundary then you will need to.

ChubbyMorticia · 20/04/2023 07:18

YANBU. I shudder at the thought of someone other than my husband or kids staying in my home while I’m gone. It’s our sanctuary.

Sausagerolex · 20/04/2023 07:20

I would say you are booking a cleaner to do a spring clean on X date so happy she stays for a bit but she needs to be out and leaving it tidy/beds stripped etc before then.

Make X date two days before you arrive home.

Get DH to pay for a spring clean and find a cleaner you trust with the key etc.

Coming home to a messy or dirty house would really upset me as I’m a very tidy person and love my house to be clean so I always leave it pristine before we go away so I can come home to it like that.

Rosula · 20/04/2023 07:25

I came home before him and walked in at midday to find the kitchen strewn with mountains of dirty dishes from the night before. She was apologetic as she had forgotten I was coming home but didn't see it as a big deal. I felt really disrespected.

So am I right in thinking she was going to wash them anyway, you just found them because she forgot you were coming home early? I don't see how this was disrespecting you, she wasn't expecting you to wash them and didn't intend for you to come home and find them.