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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family guilt over keeping/getting rid of the dog…

28 replies

ConfusedDogOwner87 · 19/04/2023 18:39

I got a dog around 18 months ago, he was the quiet pup of the litter so was going to be less problematic as a pup… or so I thought!

Once I got him some things came to light (he hadn’t been treated well by the breeder who turned out to be an utter sham but presented themselves as otherwise - couldn’t adopt to having young children) - and he wasn’t quiet at all - he was unwell and had severe anxiety.

He settled in really well here - like starting to come out of his shell more etc - so I chose to keep him and been working through his issues ever since. He has never been an easy dog to train because of his anxiety and he doesn’t really respond well to incentives but just recently his behaviour has really spiralled - he doesn’t listen to a thing I say, all the training he had done and learnt it’s like he has completely forgotten, whenever I go out he continuously howls now and escapes wherever you put him (he can’t be left roaming around the house because of his tendencies, he jumps over the gates and lets himself out of the crate).

I really have worked hard with him and I don’t know what’s caused this sudden change of behaviour but it’s honestly draining the life out of me to the point where I think he would be better off in another home with someone that can do that specialist work with him - I have a disabled child and there’s only so much I can do with a dog with the issues he has - he was improving so much but this downwards spiral has really taken me by surprise.

My daughter wouldn’t mind I don’t think as she struggles with his behaviours (the jumping up and barking) but it’s the guilt from other family members - like parents, grandparents, siblings - who are trying to guilt trip me into keeping the dog - like they would be devastated/probably not speak to me properly again if I got rid of him.

Do I persevere and just hope this is a phase or make that difficult decision and deal with the fall out?

OP posts:
ToHellBackAndBeyond · 19/04/2023 18:46

Looking after a dog you don't like or don't want is a one way road to misery. If no one in your actual home wants the dog then give him up. It's not fair in you and nor is it fair on the dog.
If your outer family members are that bothered offer him to them.
Your life not theirs.
And I say this as the current owner of nine dogs who are a happy balance of exasperating and wonderful but couldn't consider giving them up.

SapphireEyes88 · 19/04/2023 18:48

You might have more luck on the doghouse forum. I appreciate it's hard, how old is pup?
Ours is now 10 months (we've had him since day 1 as our girl had a litter). At 5 months he starting acting up and hasn't settled yet. It's due to gaining confidence and testosterone levels rising (runs straight for other dogs, selective recall, pulling). He's hard work and there's been times I've wondered about rehoming him.
It will get better, but if you can't cope with pup and don't have the energy to train and go back to basics and do it all again, rehome him and consider taking on an older dog further down the line. Your mental health is priority 1, you need to look after yourself and dc first.

Original poster
ConfusedDogOwner87 · 19/04/2023 18:49

@ToHellBackAndBeyond Don’t get me wrong - I used to absolutely adore him - but it’s starting to get to the point where I resent him because his anxiety controls the whole household - and it’s not his fault but I think he needs someone better suited to provide that support for him because I just don’t know what else I can do, I really have tried hard these last 18 months but I’m just at the end of my tether with the situation - which isn’t fair on him either obviously

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 19/04/2023 18:56

You've hit the teenage stage, OP. It's great prep for when your DC hit that stage!

Laiste · 19/04/2023 19:00

I think if you are feeling like re-homing it's better to do it sooner than later.

One because the younger the animal the more it will likely appeal to a new owner looking to adopt.
Two because it's less time for these bad habits to become ingrained.

QueenSmartypants · 19/04/2023 19:03

You don't say exactly how old he is now but like a pp think it sounds like he's reached adolescence. They turn into furry gits for a while but they come good in the end! Don't lose heart, keep consistent- will all be worth it!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/04/2023 19:08

Sounds like adolescence to me too. It's hell on earth but they do come out the other side eventually.

Have you considered speaking to a veterinary behaviourist about medication to help with his anxiety? Alongside a behavioural training plan it can be incredibly effective.

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2023 19:09

If you genuinely cannot cope then it's best to rehome perhaps all those family members who are giving you a hard time can step in and take over after all they do know best 😉

Choconut · 19/04/2023 19:17

I think it's good advice to never the get most confident of the litter or the shyest/quietest but one of the ones in the middle. The most confident is more likely to be a boisterous handful and the quietest more likely to be anxious and nervous.
What breed of dog is it? What is his day routine like? Have you done any puppy training classes? It sounds like you're really struggling OP, have you seen a behaviourist through your vet they might be able to help. Perhaps give it another 6 months trying everything you can and see if he calms down, he might still be in the difficult teenage times. You can't go on forever being miserable though just because your family think you should, it's not fair on you or the dog.

BranchGold · 19/04/2023 19:18

is this the first dog you’ve had?

happyumwelt · 19/04/2023 19:21

It does just sound like he is in the adolescent stage - it is not a fun time, but they do come out the other side. What breed is he?

Ilikewinter · 19/04/2023 19:23

18 months is bang in the middle of him being a teenage twat!. What breed of dog is he?.
I can sympathise as our ddog is nearly 2 and we still struggle with him at times. I agree with other PP that if you want to rehome him do it asap. Ignore family members, they arent living your life.

Weallgottachangesometime · 19/04/2023 19:24

I think you should get rid of the dog because you clearly can’t manage them and it’s not fair to them or the children to have an uncontrolled dog in the home.

It is your responsibility though and you are here because of your own choices. I think you need to be honest with yourself about that. Not saying that to make you feel like crap, but maybe it’s something to taken a lesson from.

caringcarer · 19/04/2023 20:03

What medication has the vet put your dog on for anxiety. I know there is one because it helped my friends dog a lot. Get the dog more training. Are you sure it is not just trying to escape the crate?

141mum · 19/04/2023 20:33

Ask family members to take him

Spanielsarepainless · 19/04/2023 20:36

My dog is 17 months and his behaviour has taken a dive. They do have terrible teens.

ElmTree22 · 20/04/2023 17:28

I would suggest to get a dog trainer in to help you with the anxiety side of things. Also you are slap bang in the middle of adolescence! My god is it hard, they seem to forget all training and it is super relentless. But they really do come out of it, generally more calm than before. However depends on the breed, I have a GSD, he's now 7. Still waiting for him to be calm 😂 but he's the most perfectly behaved dog.
Keep consistent, keep strong 💪🏻

longtompot · 21/04/2023 12:31

It does sound like he is going through the teenage phase and it is awful! I did so with my dog, a cocker spaniel, and she tested me so much. But, we got through it, you just need to take a step back in the training, almost like having a puppy again.
If you can persevere for a bit longer I am sure you will come through. Maybe speak to your vet and see if they can help, maybe with a behaviourist recommendation.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 21/04/2023 12:37

He’s going through his teenage years.

Rescues are full to overflowing.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 21/04/2023 12:41

Have you sought any professional help?

YABU to take an animal on and not take it on worts and all.

Not enough people make a commitment for better or worse or for life when they adopt an animal.

No personality or behaviour is promised when you get a pet, it’s a risk you take.

They want a pet that does everything perfect, doesn’t wreck the house, mild mannered etc

The pet just wants someone to love them unconditionally.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 21/04/2023 12:42

Adopt or buy*

Verv · 21/04/2023 12:42

Yep. Teenage twat phase.
It's hard to advise really as I am fairly hard line that if you take a dog you take a lifelong responsibility. But, for the dogs sake, if you arent coping and are resentful and beginning to dislike, he is probably better placed with someone who has the patience and willingness to work through and with the anxiety.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2023 12:51

Yes, teenager dog

That's exactly why we got our rescue, clearly abandoned because he howled all the time, couldn't be left, stole, didn't listen

So we just lovebombed him through - after a few months he turned into the biggest cuddle pug - happy to be left with his adopted sister

Just like a teenager he needs to be reassured you love him

One of the things that helps my dogs is a couple of days of daycare - my daycare has the same dogs every week, one of the leaders (there's only 2) is a behaviourist
and the dogs have a great time in a big field chasing ball, playing with their friends

When he comes home he's tired - and when the daycare guy comes to pick him up my dog is all over him like a rash!

So increasing (gradually) time away from you would be good. Total lovebombing as much as you can - really focus on positive language (I very rarely say NO to my dogs - I save that for picking up chicken legs on the streets in south london 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️)

user1477391263 · 21/04/2023 12:54

I would consult a behavioral specialist, and if that still does not work after some time has passed, consider rehoming.

I do have to ask why you got a puppy if your family situation is already challenging (child with disability)? Everyone I knew who got a puppy found it really hard going for like.... a couple of years (2yo dogs may not be the size of puppies but they still act like giant puppies most of the time as far as I can see). And even adult dogs with no issues at all are a lot of work and responsibility. Hair, mess, smell, constantly going back to the house to let them out for a wee or poo.... it has the potential to make a tough home situation even tougher.

Maraudingmarauders · 21/04/2023 12:58

What breed is he?
We adopted ours at 15months and she was a full on nightmare for about a year (part of which was trauma I'm sure) also just being a saluki but they really do suffer from the terrible teens and suddenly will switch their ears back on etc as they grow out of it.