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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me get a grip

43 replies

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:19

My dp has gone for a visit to his home country to visit family after not seeing them for 12 years. Me and dp have been together for 7 years and I've helped him regularise his stay here and we have a very close relationship and he is always saying how he cares and worries for me health issues etc on my part. I also have adhd and some mental health issues I am a bit of a lonesome soul never been able to change that I'm all alone at the moment whilst he is away.
I have also helped his family which he had always been grateful for and tolerated the frequent video calls he makes to his family and they make to him even if we out shopping etc.
I'm feeling a bit abandoned in the sense that he hasn't been making enough contact with me whilst he has been away for instance no single message or call all day today.
I am prepared to be told I am needy and intense because its possible I am but it's the 1st time we have been apart like this I guess I'm not used to it and am scared he won't return.
Please help me get a grip on this.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 19/04/2023 16:21

It does sound a little peculiar op

how long has he been out there?
how long until back?
how much contact have you had from him?
and what’s your life like? Work? Friends? Family?

Cleoforever · 19/04/2023 16:22

I mean your concerns sound a little peculiar

Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:24

He has been gone a week he has called but not until last thing at night all depending like I'm a last thought he comes back next Thursday.
I work part-time I have a couple of people my sister and a friend I speak to by phone.

OP posts:
Radi0noise · 19/04/2023 16:25

Me and my DH don't talk much when we are apart. I think it's healthy but perhaps your relationship is different

Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:25

Cleoforever maybe insecurities as I know he has responsibilities that may keep him there and I basically have thrown alot of my life to him

OP posts:
Colourmylifewith · 19/04/2023 16:27

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:25

Cleoforever maybe insecurities as I know he has responsibilities that may keep him there and I basically have thrown alot of my life to him

What does thrown your life mean?
it sounds a bit like you think he owes you something because you’ve ‘tolerated’ his contact with his family

AndTheSurveySays · 19/04/2023 16:27

Being so needed is not an attractive trait. Your DH is probably just enjoying time with his family.
You need to find something to fill your time. Do you work, have a hobby?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:27

Radi0noise I know what your saying we are very close but some aspects of the relationship are not easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:29

Colourmylifewith I have done alot for him and I'm happy he can visit his country but I would feel valued if I also didn't go on the back burner whilst he there

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 19/04/2023 16:31

It's been twelve years since he's seen his family, and you're moaning about a week?

I'm sorry, but I think you are unreasonable and needy. Though I've no idea what 'regularise' means - do you mean in terms of a visa?

Why do you think he isn't coming back?

Could this be more connected to self esteem than your partner being away? It seems a very extreme reaction when he's gone to visit family

xogossipgirlxo · 19/04/2023 16:33

Is it first day since he's gone? 12 years is a long time

Colourmylifewith · 19/04/2023 16:33

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:29

Colourmylifewith I have done alot for him and I'm happy he can visit his country but I would feel valued if I also didn't go on the back burner whilst he there

id let him enjoy his time with them, maybe stop thinking about the relationship in terms of what you’ve done for him as it sounds like you think he should be indebted to you?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/04/2023 16:35

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:29

Colourmylifewith I have done alot for him and I'm happy he can visit his country but I would feel valued if I also didn't go on the back burner whilst he there

Now I actually will say it. GET A GRIP.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:36

WeeOrcadian yes I know which is why I haven't messaged him to ask if he has forgotten me today as I know I risk looking crazy.

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 19/04/2023 16:38

Was there an option for you to go with him?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:43

blackbeardsballsack No I felt it better he went on his own as he hasn't seen people for a long time and I would just be in the way.
Also it would have been too expensive.

OP posts:
TempName247 · 19/04/2023 16:43

I think you are probably being a bit needy but I guess you see him on the phone so often with his family it makes you wonder why he can spare a moment to message you.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:44

TempName247 that's what I think yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:46

I haven't messaged him as I'm waiting to see if he bothers🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:47

I guess men don't have same thoughts and feelings

OP posts:
Radi0noise · 19/04/2023 16:53

I don't think it's men or women. I'd hate this level of neediness personally. Sorry

Radi0noise · 19/04/2023 16:53

And I'm a woman

tattygrl · 19/04/2023 16:53

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:47

I guess men don't have same thoughts and feelings

Well this is nonsense. A lazy (sorry to be harsh) sweeping statement that doesn't address any of the real issues at hand.

You don't feel confident that he will come back. To not return from a holiday would be very extreme - does he not have a job or any other responsibilities/connections in the country you both live in? Your relationship sounds like a very long one - how "formally" committed is it? Do you live together, have any shared commitments or shared ownership of anything?

I'm asking all this because it is so extreme to worry that your partner of 7 years won't come home after a visit to his family.

Verv · 19/04/2023 16:56

I dont think it's a men thing. Im a woman and I dont live with my partner, who I adore unconditionally. We see each other weekends and hols.
Sometimes my day has been hectic and im so knackered that the last thing I want to do at night is phone calls or contact with any other human being. Fortunately she's very similar so if we dont get the chance to call or message much during the day its more of a love you night x situation until we're less busy. I think thats pretty normal if you're secure and committed.

If your fella hasnt seen his family for 12 years, let him have a week to reconnect and spend time with them without having to deal with the fallout of not focusing on you in absentia.

Nowvoyager99 · 19/04/2023 16:58

When you say you have helped his family, do you mean you have been financially supporting them?

Why do you think he won’t come back? Did he buy a return ticket?

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