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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me get a grip

43 replies

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:19

My dp has gone for a visit to his home country to visit family after not seeing them for 12 years. Me and dp have been together for 7 years and I've helped him regularise his stay here and we have a very close relationship and he is always saying how he cares and worries for me health issues etc on my part. I also have adhd and some mental health issues I am a bit of a lonesome soul never been able to change that I'm all alone at the moment whilst he is away.
I have also helped his family which he had always been grateful for and tolerated the frequent video calls he makes to his family and they make to him even if we out shopping etc.
I'm feeling a bit abandoned in the sense that he hasn't been making enough contact with me whilst he has been away for instance no single message or call all day today.
I am prepared to be told I am needy and intense because its possible I am but it's the 1st time we have been apart like this I guess I'm not used to it and am scared he won't return.
Please help me get a grip on this.

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 19/04/2023 17:14

I’m sure you love DP and miss him a lot but it does sound a bit as though you are rather dependent on him. One visit back home in twelve years is hardly excessive! Obviously, while he’s there he’s going to concentrate on the family which is what he went to see. Looked at another way, this is the kind of thread where if a woman was posting “I’ve gone to visit family and DP expects me to call several times a day” people would be saying he was being possessive and trying to cut her off from her family. Your concerns may come from a genuine place (could stem from childhood experiences? Previous relationships?) but it sounds to me as though you would find some kind of counselling or therapy useful if you want the relationship to work.

Original poster

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 17:14

Yes he has a return ticket and I've helped financially but he has done and is carrying out responsibilities himself so I'm not been used or anything like that.
We have lived together 5 years and share all responsibilities ie bills etc

OP posts:

TempName247 · 19/04/2023 17:14

It’s not a male/female thing but if you know a person to be usually very responsive to calls and texts and communicates regularly with people then it seems off if they don’t message even once.

SallyWD · 19/04/2023 17:15

If he hasn't seen them for 12 years I'm sure he's just immersed in family life. When my DH goes to his home country he doesn't get a minute to himself. He's surrounded by uncles, aunts, cousins. He spends a lot of time running errands for his mum and helping people out. We don't talk every day. I'd just let him get on with if I were you. Maybe ask him to check in once a day so you know he's OK (a quick text).

buckeejit · 19/04/2023 17:49

Never mind what you've done to date. You need to change your attitude & yes, get a grip. You're thinking about messaging to ask if he's forgotten about you. That's mad. Leave him be & try to change your mindset to 'it would be nice to hear from him'

If you don't hear from him for a few days, drop something breezy like, 'hope you're enjoying quality time with your family. I'm missing you at this end & can't wait to see you when you get back'

I would feel suffocated & put off if I thought my dp was feeling how you are

Crazycrazylady · 19/04/2023 17:55

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:36

WeeOrcadian yes I know which is why I haven't messaged him to ask if he has forgotten me today as I know I risk looking crazy.

Yip . You will let look crazy if you kick off over this. It's one week jn 12 years.
The poor man.

Original poster

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 18:27

Thanks for replies I have got a grip for now anyway

OP posts:

IQuiteLikeFaggots · 19/04/2023 21:50

OP, where does his family live?

Original poster

Desperatetime · 20/04/2023 08:16

IQuiteLikeFaggots india

OP posts:

Mortimercat · 20/04/2023 08:27

Desperatetime · 19/04/2023 16:29

Colourmylifewith I have done alot for him and I'm happy he can visit his country but I would feel valued if I also didn't go on the back burner whilst he there

Well at least you recognise you need to get a grip, that is all I can say.

You sound very demanding OP, he has not seen his family for twelve years and you say you have “tolerated” him having calls with them. And of course you are going to be on a “back burner” whilst he is visiting his family simply because he is with them not you!

Original poster

Desperatetime · 20/04/2023 08:31

Mortimercat Yes it sounds awful I know but I'm keeping my feelings to myself and not letting him know.

OP posts:

yeahscience · 20/04/2023 08:44

So you are upset he hasn't messaged today, but you haven't messaged him either? Stop testing him, this is a relationship not a game. If you want to be in contact, then get in contact! And don't ask if he's forgotten you, do not guilt him for spending time with him family, it's manipulative and not a competition. His family are likely piling on the guilt themselves having not seen him for 12 years!

EarlyBirdCatchesTheWorm · 20/04/2023 08:54

OP you could always message with something like "hope you are having a wonderful time with your family, can't wait to hear how it's going Please say hello from me"

That says you miss him but you understand he is busy. If the family have been video calling when you're together I assume some of them know who you are? He could video chat and you could say hello to his family too? Even if there is a language barrier, it shows him that you're prepared to try and be alongside him & his family.

feetarekillingme · 20/04/2023 09:01

If he's in India, there's a time difference for starters so he might be looking at the time and thinking it's either too late or too early to drop you a message. More likely though he's just been thrown headfirst into all the excitement of seeing people he's not seen in years and right now, you ARE on the 'back burner'. Personally I think that's ok! I'd hate to think that my DP's life entirely revolves around me and what I need. It sounds as though this is what he needs right now? That's a thing to be pleased about and to encourage. Living so far from your family (if you have a good relationship with them) is very, very hard.

The bigger issue though OP (and I try to say this gently) is that it reads as though he is your whole life, almost as though you've paused your life while he is away. You mention health problems which I understand might limit what you can physically and mentally do but I would encourage you to find things just for you. It could be a hobby or joining a gentle friendly local club of some kind. I am guessing you're getting medical help for your health issues?

If he is your only real 'life', that puts a lot of pressure on him and on you.

SallyWD · 20/04/2023 09:12

India. My DH is Indian and families are a big deal there. Everything! He'll be surrounded by dozens of extended family members and will not have a minute to himself. I know what it's like when my DH goes there and I've been there too a couple of times.
If course you'll take a back seat when he's there. He's catching up with family after 12 YEARS! Depending on where he is (he's probably moving around visiting lots of different people) he could be somewhere with patchy Internet coverage.
I'm sorry but you do sound very needy. He's focusing on his family for a short period of time. You should be happy for him and supporting him. I think the real problem here is the fact you've made him your entire world and can't seem to cope without his constant attention.

Original poster

Desperatetime · 20/04/2023 10:24

You all make so much sense and tbh what I knew already so I'm am going to concentrate on my own issues and address them.

OP posts:

MoongazyHare · 20/04/2023 10:33

OP, is this the former shoemaker who had overstayed his visa illegally for about 10 years and you were supporting entirely for years and years while you fought the home office to get him leave to remain? If so, you have had lots of good advice about this relationship on many previous threads, and people here have always warned you that there may well be motives behind it that you might not like, and that once he was settled things might change for you.

You have made huge sacrifices and made yourself ill to support him, and done more than even any mother would do for a child for this man, and I can see why you would be feeling how you are today. Please take care of yourself, and keep an open mind as things go forward, as you have always been advised to do.

Original poster

Desperatetime · 20/04/2023 12:18

Yes but it has been worth the trauma MoongazyHare

OP posts:

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