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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

quick vote please...

31 replies

sunnyweatherpleasee · 19/04/2023 12:26

DH has 60th birthday family/friends etc party booked.
One of DD's best friends has 18th birthday party same evening.

DD has said she can't go to friends party, but now I'm feeling guilty.

Which party would you say she attends?
ps - friends party is a few months after her bday due to A levels. So it's not like we knew when her party would be, and it's the only night they can find a suitable hall apparently. They didn't know when DH birthday is, so it is an unfortunate coincidence they've both been booked for the same night.

OP posts:
BaBaBiscuit · 19/04/2023 12:31

I didn't vote because I'm not sure what the two options mean in your case.

In this situation I'd let DD decide what she wants to do but I wouldn't put pressure on her to attend my or dh's birthday. An 18th birthday party of a close friend is probably more special than a parents' party.

However, neither me nor dh take our birthdays very seriously so it might be different in other families.

Drummend01 · 19/04/2023 12:31

I’m sure she’s spent many birthdays with her Dad so just missing one isn’t the end of the world. She’s already declined the friends invite which shows she prioritises her family but reassure her that it’s okay to go with her friends instead and let her make the final choice

GoodChat · 19/04/2023 12:32

How far are the parties from each other? Could she go to dads for a couple of hours then head off to her friends?

dietcokelime · 19/04/2023 12:32

Is DH her dad? Tbh I'd maybe suggest a stop by his 60th then off to party with friends? Best of both worlds?

Noorandapples · 19/04/2023 12:32

Can't she half the evening? First half with dad, then after a few hours go to her friend's?

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2023 12:34

I’d encourage her to go to the friend’s party. Your DH is 60, he’s had a lot of birthdays and whilst 60 is a big birthday for him, to anyone else is it really any more significant than 59 or 61?

Whereas for young people, reaching the age of majority, the age you can make so many rites of passage, and being able to celebrate that with your friends is A Thing.

JulieHoney · 19/04/2023 12:35

I’d let her go to her mate’s 18th, assuming she lives at home and will see her Dad during the day.

I wouldn’t expect my kids to prioritise a parent’s birthday party as long as they spend some time with them at some point on their birthday.

WandaWonder · 19/04/2023 12:35

I would do something special with my child on another day for my birthday and would happily send then off to the friend party if they wanted to go to that

Isheabastard · 19/04/2023 12:44

She should go to her friends. I can’t see how a 60th party with people of that age would be any fun for her.

If it was my child, I would hate to think it was done out of duty. Presumably the other friend is 18, (even if it’s not the actual day) at that age 18th birthdays are really important.

Classinglass · 19/04/2023 12:48

Can she not go to both? Go to Dads party for the 1st hour or so say hello to family etc then head off to friends party for the rest of the evening? That’s what I’d do

inappropriateraspberry · 19/04/2023 12:52

Let her choose, and make sure she knows you're happy whatever she decides. I think she'd have a much better time at her friend's party!

londonrach · 19/04/2023 13:43

A friends 18th. It's an important event. Can you do cake etc for Dh before she goes to friend s. Imagine yourself at 18.

NeIIie · 19/04/2023 13:49

Which one does she want to go to?

PorkPieandPickle · 19/04/2023 13:53

‘Which party would you say she attends?’

I voted YABU based on you saying this.
why should it be up to you to say?!
Let her choose and make it clear that she will not be judged for choosing her friend.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/04/2023 17:17

Noorandapples · 19/04/2023 12:32

Can't she half the evening? First half with dad, then after a few hours go to her friend's?

Agree with this

Nap1983 · 19/04/2023 17:20

Dads party early then go to her friends!

Neededanewuserhandle · 19/04/2023 17:20

YABU to ask for a vote and not identify which option is which.
Why don't you let an 18 year old decide for themself?

KateyCuckoo · 19/04/2023 17:22

Random observation, I had to read it twice because I had my 40th when ds had his 18th and it was my MIL 60th the same year too. Just shows how different families are!

I think she should go to her friend's, DH will have a great time catching up and reminiscing with his friends and you could always go for a family dinner.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/04/2023 17:33

She needs to go to her friends 18th. Its a lot more special than a 60th and his will probably be full of old people like your DH. Thats not fun for a teenager.

As an aside, since when did birthdays that weren't 18, 21 or anything over 80 become special?

SquigglePigs · 19/04/2023 17:34

I think your family has to have a chat and make sure you're all happy but my view would be if she could be her Dad's for a bit then go to her friends then that's probably the perfect outcome. If they are close enough or travel arrangements don't work then I'd be inclined to encourage her to go to her friends party and then do something with immediate family to celebrate - a family meal or similar. I think it's lovely that your DD has defaulted to the family party but friends are so important at that age I think I'd try to accommodate the friends party.

GoodChat · 19/04/2023 17:51

Neededanewuserhandle · 19/04/2023 17:20

YABU to ask for a vote and not identify which option is which.
Why don't you let an 18 year old decide for themself?

And ask for a 'quick vote' then not come back to the thread

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 19/04/2023 17:54

Classinglass · 19/04/2023 12:48

Can she not go to both? Go to Dads party for the 1st hour or so say hello to family etc then head off to friends party for the rest of the evening? That’s what I’d do

I agree with this.

SorePaw · 19/04/2023 18:01

@sunnyweatherpleasee

Swimming up tide.

Griend has chosen a random date (due to exams) and there will be countless 18th birthday parties this year.

Her Dad is turning 60 & having a big friends & family party. I'd prioritise that. These big family gatherings are special

my Dad died at 65, I live overseas (to him) so wasn't able to be at his 60th. I wish I could have been.

trouble is we don't know it's going to be 'the last' until it's too late.

in a few years, this 28th will be one of many. Her. dad will only have one 60th.

bridgetreilly · 19/04/2023 18:23

She needs to be at DHs 60th. That is not negotiable. It’s a shame about the friend’s party but this is not something that you need to feel any guilt about, at all.

bridgetreilly · 19/04/2023 18:25

Are people missing this from the OP?

DD has said she can't go to friends party

DD has already chosen. No need to go back and complicate things.

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