Shouty mum

[PartTimer923]

Any non-shouty mums on here? How do you stop yourself shouting/losing your temper? Advice needed, not judgement. Thanks

No judgment here because parenting a child is really testing me sometimes and I only have one!!

I've never shouted or lost my temper in front of dc. I have absolutely come to the end of my tether though. Put them down/left them in their room and walked away, screamed into a cushion or banged my head into a pillow and just wallowed for a moment.

When I'm feeling the rage at their ridiculous behaviour I sometimes need that moment to let off steam and re group

Don't know. I've never been one to lose my temper, always kept my angry feelings inside - it's not necessarily a good policy. I was always conscious of the need to keep something in reserve, and found "stop doing that or I'll get cross" usually worked. (And the really bad behaviour that I was holding reactions in reserve for didn't happen) On the downside, they're not good as adults at dealing with shouty people.

Accept yourself for who you are, make sure you role model good relationships, and role model how to recover good relations after a shouty episode. And try not to go overboard with punishments.

I was a shouty mum OP mainly because my child was completely oblivious to me! They’d do things in their own way in their own sweet time. It did them no harm to be honest and they grew up pretty confident. They got loads of love and positive feedback so it’s not the be all and end all.

I always point out to my child when I'm not shouting, how nice it is when mummy doesn't have to shout and they agree.
When I'm about to shout I say come on let's not have another morning like.... mummy doesn't want to get cross.
Usually does the trick.

Im shouty when im calling them for their dinner or they have their headphones on and cant hear me - does that count?

I am not a shouter, i tend to slightly raise my voice and do that thing where i exaggerate my words or just speak really clearly but even my 3rd DD ( whos 2) will say to me "mummy you shouted at me" with a wee sad face so i tend not to do that anymore.

I think its maybe just nature, my DH is a shouter by nature but not necessarily in anger just in general life so they have both worlds i suppose.

If I can feel myself getting worked up then depending on the atmosphere I usually either inject humour (singing a stupid song works really well to stop yourself shouting and make them laugh) or I just get them all in for a big hug and reset.

How old are your kids OP? I got very shouty during the first lockdown when I had 3 under 6 but also I was anxious and it made me more on edge. I hated it so worked hard to change it but also now they’re older they listen to me/each other better and are kinder to each other.

I’m also aware that I’m more likely to shout if a) I’m pre menstrual and b) I’m stressed about non DC related stuff. So at those times I need to be on top of myself if that makes sense.

@goodkidsmaadhouse My DC are 3 & 6. 6yo will deliberately ignore me in the morning when I'm trying to get us all up and out of the door and the 3yo will follow the older one and ignore/do the opposite of what I say. I get so frustrated and end up shouting. It is the same any time we need to leave the house. Or tidy up. Or go to bed. Or stay in their beds....
6yo asked me why I'm always shouting as if literally has no idea that I've said the same thing 20 times in a normal voice beforehand.

Singing is a good tip, thank you. I will try that.

Time. If I am not rushing, I’m not shouting.

Laughetr works both to avoid a diffuse a situation.

@goodkidsmaadhouse
And yes, I am hormonal.

@onthefence23 yes, I have left the room occasionally, but sometimes they are doing something that is going to end up with one or both of them getting hurt (eg running around in small spaces and colliding into something/ each other, jumping down the stairs/on the beds and ending up getting hurt etc)

I don’t shout. I usually work on a prevention ideology to avoid tantrums - so they aren’t allowed to have anything sugary if we don’t have time for them to burn off the energy, spend lots of time outdoors in all weather regularly, screen time is limited and it’s a hard limit, and while I don’t threaten consequences when I do I ensure I it’s followed up.

Sometimes I catch myself on mid shout or just before and then say out loud oh wait till I just shake myself and start over, showing them it’s ok to do over a situation!
Also give yourself some grace and remember the luck of shouting doesn’t necessarily make some a great parent nor does some shouting make someone a terrible parents- it’s the everything else, the body language, the tone, the praise, the patience etc etc I have a friend who if asked would absolutely pride herself on never shouting, would be judgy about this etc and how she doesn’t need to shout- and I’d love to say that’s right you don’t coz your child is so worried and anxious about making you sad that the are petrified of doing something wrong so it’s fear that’s making them do and you ask/ say!
Unfortunately I have neither approach down very well and my children drive me batty every single day not listening to me but I try, and try again the next day!

Being hormonal makes it hard! Have you read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen? It has a lot of strategies which help with things like getting out the door. But also it’s true that being short of time makes everything tougher. So if getting out in the morning is tough then plan to get out 10 minutes earlier than you need to… same with bedtime…

Another thought - my 7yo is a total dreamer and often genuinely doesn’t hear when people are talking to him (I mean I guess he hears but doesn’t process it). So if we need to leave in 15 minutes then I will go to him, touch his shoulder and make eye contact and say ‘we need to leave in 15 minutes. I want you to go and brush your teeth now so that you can have 10 minutes to
build lego. I will warn you again when we have 2 minutes until it’s time to leave so you can finish up’ or similar and then get him to repeat it back. He’s not badly behaved at all but he does need a bit more of that sort of instruction. Whereas my oldest has always been very capable of organising herself and getting ready for school/bed/activities without me talking it through at all.

I am a shouty mum sometimes and I HATE it. It makes me feel shit and it just doesn't work, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it so often.

I have a very, very challenging child who I frequently find difficult to parent and unfortunately sometimes I just reach my limit. Without writing an essay, DC isn't badly behaved all the time, or even most of the time, but I suspect that we are both actually ND and their emotional needs (and mine) are quite complex which results in a lot of really challenging situations. It's not all doom and gloom, and I feel like I have some great parenting techniques under my belt and we are very close and enjoy way more happy times together than bad times. But I still wish I had a better way to handle these intense moments. I've not managed to hit on anything that works yet.

So no advice, but solidarity!

I’m really trying to be less shouty; getting out the door is one of my triggers too. I’ve rethought our morning routine a few times to help this; mainly that DC are ready well before we need to so that if they aren’t there are consequences that I have time to put into place.
I have similar age children and sometimes getting the younger one on side helps my older one.

No judgement OP but kudos for seeking advice.
I had a shouty mum and it ruined me. I’m still terrified of making mistakes or breaking things.

It's rare, but if it happens they know they've pushed it too too far or done something seriously bad.
I think if you shout all the time they get used to it and zone it out anyway.

I don't shout but I can be stern if I want to get my point across and I'm certainly not a pushover. I didn't grow up in a shouty household so perhaps it's down to that? Then again, my oldest sister, who had left home before I was born, was a very shouty mum (her kids are very messed up because of it). So who knows. My husband isn't shouty so that's probably influenced me somehow.

I just don't want to scare my daughter by shouting at her - maybe it's that?

I can’t really advise you as I’m only 2 years into parenting, but reading “how to talk so little kids will listen” changed my perspective quite a bit.

My DM was a shouty mum. Unfortunately I can only remember her shouting and being cross when we were children even though I know, objectively that she did many kind things and arranged lots of fun activities.

I still only remember her shouting. It stopped me from being a shouty mum. If I ever did get really annoyed my DC would take notice because it was unusual. If you shout a lot they just get immune.

Neither DH or I are shout people generally. But I think if you're tired, stressed or busy, it's harder to be patient.
You can put in place strategies that help your child behave in a way that keeps everything running smoothly but there will always be bumps in the road - illness, tiredness, other kids!
Try and see the funny side, say yes rather than no, signpost changes and transitions, lots of rewards and positive interactions if you can.
Forgive yourself if you fall short but keep trying!

I'm not really a shorter either. But I CERTAINLY get to the end of my tether. Particularly around sleep. Really grinds my gears when my 2yo is pratting a bout in the cot.. and I only have 1!

Yes, I agree, humour is a good one. I'm also one of these people who has to be 5 hours early for everything, so we're rarely rushing (again, only one!), so time is your friend.

I used to teach at a fab pri school school that supported parents with home visits (if they wanted it), the amount of parents who struggled with this stuff is unreal - you're NOT ALONE HERE!

One thing that always helped with daily routines was working with the kid to draw up their own schedule with timings / pics if necessary, write it out on big paper then say that because they're getting older, they can be in charge of their own morning/bed time. You can go through it a few times + have a few dry runs at the weekend, but then all you have to say is 'check the board'. If they still don't get it together, maybe use egg timers for each task . They usually like taking ownership.

It sounds Like a very 'teachery' thing to do, but we had overwhelmingly positive feedback from the parents even months down the line. Just an idea

(Also, if DH is at home, I usually tap out before I get shouty, he is naturally the most non-shouty person I've ever met!)

I try and save shouting for emergencies - kids know there's really something up if I shout.

@goodkidsmaadhouse I am exactly the same. I have PMS and found out yesterday we have bedbugs that we can't get under control. I wasn't my best self at breakfast this morning.