Shouty mum

[PartTimer923]

Any non-shouty mums on here? How do you stop yourself shouting/losing your temper? Advice needed, not judgement. Thanks

So many not shouting - I feel ashamed! I’m menopausal & DD14 is hormonal, neurodivergent & just about the most stubborn human being on the sodding planet! I walk away sometimes but know I really need to do that WAY more often! She gets under my skin like nobody else & I hate it.

Following with interest 😁

Don't beat yourself up unless you're shouting all the time. I'd say my kids hear loving, positive, encouraging things 95% of the time. Occasionally I lose my temper, then apologise and explain why. I think they'll be ok.

I’ve never shouted. If you have the right parenting strategies in place you shouldn’t get to the point where you’ve lost control.

Actually I have a strange problem really. I think Indo get a bit shouty/worked up sometimes when under pressure, but all the kids talk about is how shouty my DH is. I don't know what to think, because when I said I've not seen anything unusual they tell me "he only does it when you're at work". Not sure what to believe.

Sunshinelollipops
It's easier not to shout if you have easy kids. A lot of it is luck.
I'm fortunate in that DD and I and my SDC all just rubbed along ok. I have several friends - all nice, decent people who go through patches with their kids of it being really hard work. I know the kids too and they're a mostly lovely bunch, but once you add teenage years, hormones, exams and neurodiversity into the mix it's a lot more challenging.

How old are your kids?
Why would they be telling you this if it's not true? I'd be inclined to believe them..

I never shouted at my kids even though I found my kids extremely annoying as little kids. We had clear punishments for bad behaviour so I think that helped. It be 'warning' then 'final warning' then 'time out'
I was very consistent so I think everyone knew where they stood.

It helps that I'm naturally calm and don't tend to get angry about things and it also helped that my kids were calm and fairly well behaved. My husband would occasionally loose his temper and it achieved nothing but contempt from everyone 😅. He'd make a ridiculous threat then retract it. He only did it once in a blue moon but the kids still think he is a bit of a wanker now that they are adults.

You have to play the long game with kids. My kids are now adults and respect me and consult me with things. I have far more influence than if I shouted at them.

I found very early with mine that shouting was ignored. We are noisy. I tended to shout from another room ‘are you ready’ or ‘time to get dressed’ but it became white noise so my ‘get ready now I mean it’ shout got lost too. I invariably did this while multi-tasking and they knew a nil response or inaction had no real consequence.

So I stopped shouting and went face to face with them and said ‘it’s now time to brush your teeth, let’s go’. From 2/3 years. If ignored I’d repeat and say ‘I have asked once and you haven’t done it, pls brush your teeth now’. Eye contact key and I would shadow them to the bathroom or wherever so they didn’t become engrossed in that wood louse on the carpet on the way there. Because life is exciting and distracting to a child and teeth brushing is dull, so I have some sympathy but they need to learn the boring bits have to get done as well as the fun bits.

i used associated sanctions too. If you don’t listen/do the basics/ignore me now, iPad/screen/special toy play time (depending on age) affected later. They need to learn cause and effect. I don’t believe in a no sanction world - If I’m late to work I lose my job, so they need to be prepared for real life.

i still do the eyeball thing now, so my teenager will say ‘oh god mum don’t do the look at me thing’ when I’ve asked her to do something and it’s not done, but she knows I mean business when I say that and if she ignores me I won’t be happy and I’ll get cross.

still shout occasionally -I am human. If I’m out of order I’ll apologise. It’s good for kids to see us make mistakes and atone for them too.

@Beamur Yeah it's led to a few arguments because when I've suggested a gentler approach, and relayed what the kids have said to me, he just says something like "well you're hardly a saint", says I'm painting him as the bad guy and that the kids are just manipulating me. They are 5,7, and 9.
I've asked him to download an app I thought had some good hints, it's called The Happy Child. Bit cheesy, but some things I found really helpful. Don't want to derail the thread topic!

YABU

I think this is great advice. Rethink your routines. Build in more time or add a step your eldest would enjoy. Even ask your eldest why she thinks mornings are a struggle and what she would change. Try and understand then prevent the behavior you don’t want.

I was a shouty mum with my eldest child and a non-shouty mum with my youngest. Couple of huge differences though... they're more than 10 years apart so I'm older and more patient. And the second child has a very non-shouty man for a father who sees the funny side of everything (that attitude has rubbed off on me so I can now discipline with a cool head rather than feeling wound up).

But there's also just some strategies in there too... like saying "whoever is dressed and sitting at the table before this timer goes off gets chocolate cake for breakfast." It's sugar-free brownie made with courgette but they don't need to know that. For me just tackling one annoyance at a time helped a lot.

@goodkidsmaadhouse & @Hazelnuttella
Thank you for the book recommendation, I will order that now.

@bibbitybobbityyhat any advice on how to stop BU? If you are a non-shouty mum, please tell me how you do it. I'm looking for strategies.

@Xjshdvf thank you, I will try getting us up earlier. We tend to have 1.5 hours between waking and leaving the house which on paper should be plenty, but maybe we just need an extra 10 minutes contingency plan. Maybe I'll set the clock forward 10 minutes so they don't realise it!

@Dutch1e Sounds nice! Do you have a recipe?!

@Cherryblossoms85 Thank you, I will look for the happy child app.

@Guiltridden12345 Yes, I think I am the same. I am constantly trying to do 10 things at once and do call from room to room. I will try to stop this so my shouts don't all blend into one. Thank you for sharing your tips and experience.

This is the best article i know on the subject. I'm a work in progress https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/handling-anger

Give yourself grace, 3 and 6 are tough ages! I had to/have to work really hard at not being shouty. It's a little easier now that DD is 11 because there is more scope for reasoning and learning by natural consequence.
In terms of tips? Lots of deep breathing and walking away. This does not come easy to me!

Based on the ages of your kids I'd also definitely recommend the 'How to talk so little kids will listen' book. It's really accessible and lots of useful ideas on getting out of the door in the morning.

My mother was a shouty mum and it really had a negative effect, now I'm finding myself getting impatient at times, and just stretched, too much on my plate, exhausted, doing three things at once and not having the patience I wish I had sometimes with my lot, raising my voice, and getting exasperated and it makes me feel shit.

I read this book last year, and loved it, downloaded it on Audible last week and after a couple of hours listen I feel I've got some stuff in perspective again, would definitely recommend.

We all got older and reached an agreement- they don't push my buttons and I won't respond by shouting, equally I will treat them respectfully and they won't shout at me.

Some things that helped in the difficult years:
I would always tell them we were leaving at least 10 minutes ahead of when we needed to. This factored in time for the farting around meaning I didn't get so stressed.
It also meant that if we were swimming for example, I could usually give them an earlier warning, so when they asked for more time, I could be the fun mum by saying 10 more minutes. I would also offer a bribe incentive if they dressed quickly with no complaining as long as we were quick.

Negotiation was good, as was giving them a choice, so teeth or clothes first? The red cup or the green cup? Give them control of small decisions so they feel invested.

Apologise when you shout, try to model the behaviour you want from them, so when you fuck up, make it right.

Equally, there was the day I took ds2 to school in his pyjamas and made him dress in the car so the others wouldn't be late, or the day he walked to school in his socks with me carrying his shoes so his siblings wouldn't be late. Not my finest hours, but it didn't happen again.

I was a crap parent to small dc, luckily for me they are all forgiving.

We are not perfect, all just doing the best we can, don't beat yourself up about it. If you feel you need support then ask for it. When mine were small there were courses we could go on, maybe you could look at something like that if needed.

@BombasticSideEye thank you, it's reassuring to think it might get better as they get older.

@nutbrownhare15 thank you, the article is very helpful.

@Seas164 thank you for the book recommendation, I've just ordered this.

@L1ttledrummergirl thank you for your answer and for the tips.