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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wander if I'm being tight?

32 replies

YellowRoses1987 · 19/04/2023 10:20

So my DH earns quite a lot of money and my SIL and BIL don't earn as much as him jointly and as they have 3 DC they could no longer afford a family holiday (which we used to go on the together with PIL and our 2 DC).

In order that we can still do this for and so DC can all play together, for the last few years my PIL pay their share my DH pays for our family and my SIL and their family! It was on the understanding that they would contribute what they could afford which so far has always been nothing.

I didn't have a problem with this as they are family and our DC love playing together and we all get on great.

My AIBU is that since then financial situations have changed and they have come in to quite a bit of money and we are wanting to move house and save for this (our area is expensive). Nevertheless we had already paid for the holiday before this happened but AIBU to expect that they should at least offer to contribute towards their free holiday?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/04/2023 10:21

Of course they should.

NeIIie · 19/04/2023 10:25

Yes and no. Yes morally. No because your DH made that decision to pay so it might not have even entered their heads given that its something he has always done by the sound of it. But obviously if I was him I would make it the last one I paid for.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/04/2023 10:26

YANBU

OrigamiOwls · 19/04/2023 10:27

Circumstances have changed, they need to start contributing. Why should your household be restricted by supporting them, when they no longer need the support.

Original poster
YellowRoses1987 · 19/04/2023 10:46

"Yes and no. Yes morally. No because your DH made that decision to pay so it might not have even entered their heads given that its something he has always done by the sound of it. But obviously if I was him I would make it the last one I paid for."

He's not always paid just since they had their most recent 2 DC so has been the last few years. Their extra DC makes their share more expensive than ours also and it seems like when they decided to have their 3rd DC (it was planned) they didn't have to worry about not having a holiday as they would still get a free holiday from my DH!

OP posts:
cstaff · 19/04/2023 10:54

If they have the money now there is no reason why you should still fund their holiday. Screw that.

It was very nice of you to do when you knew that they couldn't afford it but now that they can it is up to them whether they go or not and pay their own way.

AP5Diva · 19/04/2023 10:59

Yes they should start to contribute in future. I just don’t think most people would think to pay back for a gift holiday that has already been paid for in full?

ratherbepaddleboarding · 19/04/2023 11:04

How much has their financial situation changed? How did they come into the money?

But yes, if it's a substantial amount of money the gravy train has to end.

Might have to let this holiday go, but definitely don't pay again.

Heronwatcher · 19/04/2023 11:11

I think if this holiday was booked before they knew they were coming into the money I’d let this one go. Unless this was discussed and it was agreed that if they came into money/ their situation changed they’d make a contribution I suspect they see this as a gift and if you raise it it may well sour relations and mean that no one enjoys the holiday. In general it seems as though they may well only go on this holiday if it’s free to them- the fact that they have planned a third child while having holidays paid for makes me think they don’t consider this a priority. Obviously this should be the last you pay for though.

Heronwatcher · 19/04/2023 11:12

Also, what if they turned round and said they they no longer want to go? Would you be able to get a refund? If not you might end up paying for it anyway and not have the kids be able to play etc.

Devoutspoken · 19/04/2023 11:18

Of course they should, cfs

Bellaboo01 · 19/04/2023 11:24

YellowRoses1987 · 19/04/2023 10:20

So my DH earns quite a lot of money and my SIL and BIL don't earn as much as him jointly and as they have 3 DC they could no longer afford a family holiday (which we used to go on the together with PIL and our 2 DC).

In order that we can still do this for and so DC can all play together, for the last few years my PIL pay their share my DH pays for our family and my SIL and their family! It was on the understanding that they would contribute what they could afford which so far has always been nothing.

I didn't have a problem with this as they are family and our DC love playing together and we all get on great.

My AIBU is that since then financial situations have changed and they have come in to quite a bit of money and we are wanting to move house and save for this (our area is expensive). Nevertheless we had already paid for the holiday before this happened but AIBU to expect that they should at least offer to contribute towards their free holiday?

Just because you have paid for them in the past - it doesn't mean that you have to pay for their family holiday each year and i am surprised that they are ok with that.

It's hard to respond properly without knowing how much extra are we talking? Are you paying for all five of them to fly to Mexico all inclusive or is it a larger accommodation within the the UK?

Do you all have to go away together?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/04/2023 11:28

I think they should. I dont think its argumentative to say something like 'cant wait for our holiday! I was thinking, we previously bought your share for you as knew you were struggling at the time - are you in a position to be able to contribute now things have changed for you? If so it would really come in handy with saving for our house move.'

Original poster
YellowRoses1987 · 19/04/2023 14:35

Thanks for your replies

It' isn't a cheap holiday but it extravagant either but hits more the principle!

Thing is they always do want to go as it was the only holiday they could have really!

It is a significant sum of money they now have l.

I don't think the holiday is regarded as a gift as it was always considered that they could contribute what they could afford coz they didn't want to look like free loaders but then they never mention anything about paying towards it and have never offered or contributed towards it in the past!

We don't have to go on a family holiday but the DCs love it and and as I said we all get on and enjoy it too but they could at least pay for one of the meals out or something they haven't even offered to do this!

I think if we didn't pay we'd get the whole "oh well you have a good time but we can't afford it"..... guilt trip!

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRoses1987 · 19/04/2023 14:36

*not extravagant either but it's more the principle

OP posts:
Bellaboo01 · 19/04/2023 14:46

YellowRoses1987 · 19/04/2023 14:36

*not extravagant either but it's more the principle

Again - it is hard to respond without knowing the full details.

I would suggest you, H and kids just go away on holiday together. They will make friends etc and have a great time.

Maybe your SIL would also like a holiday with just her kids etc.

Or - just say - this is where we are going and it will cost this and see if they want to join.

IrregularChoiceFan · 19/04/2023 14:50

Why don't I have people who will just pay for my families holiday? I feel so short changed.

OP, if your dp wants to pay for some other randoms to join you guys on holiday, I promise my kids and I are great fun 🤣🤣🤣

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 19/04/2023 14:52

Simple don't pay in future if they don't pay this time.

Silverperch · 19/04/2023 14:55

I think you need to say something. Unfortunately some family members can get into the habit of being the takers, perfectly happy in that role of the poor artist or whatever and not realise that they are taking the piss a bit and starting to annoy those who do pick up the bill. speaking from experience unfortunately.

Heronwatcher · 19/04/2023 14:57

You say it was always considered that they would contribute what they could, but by whom? It may have been that you held that view but it doesn’t look like they agreed, and unless it was set out explicitly then I don’t think you can know what they thought when it was offered. I think regarding the guilt you either have to ask them for a contribution and bear the guilt trip (surely that’s not going to get very far if you can just say “but what about your windfall”) or be prepared to let this one go.

It is also possible that they’ve already earmarked this money for something else- and if they did see this holiday as a gift this wouldn’t seem inconsistent to them? It all depends on how explicitly it was made clear that your DH expected to be paid back if their circumstances changed.

choochooandspook · 19/04/2023 15:03

yes they definitely need to pay for themselves. you or your DH should simply ask them for the money, even though you shouldn't have to ask, they are so cheeky not to offer, especially as they've come into a lot of money

SpecialControlGroup · 19/04/2023 15:17

I don't think the holiday is regarded as a gift as it was always considered that they could contribute what they could afford coz they didn't want to look like free loaders but then they never mention anything about paying towards it and have never offered or contributed towards it in the past!

So your husband needs to remind his sibling that the agreement was that they could contribute what they could afford

tattygrl · 19/04/2023 15:46

I honestly think the only way forward here is to keep this holiday as it is - it's already booked and paid for, as part of a fairly longstanding arrangement; but have it in mind that this is the last time you are footing the whole bill for the in laws. I can't honestly think of a way of bringing this up or changing plans that won't cause nasty arguments or at least tension, and I'm not sure it sounds worth it for this one occasion. Nothing at all wrong with this being the last time and not paying for them again, now that their financial situation has changed, but it seems like this holiday is a treasured family experience, particularly for the children, so I'd personally let it go this time.

foulksmills · 19/04/2023 18:03

On your hols (maybe the last day) be sure to say "So, next one's on you guys, yeah?"

DelurkingLawyer · 19/04/2023 19:03

Hard to know without context: I’d quite understand if they were very hard up and would have no holiday at all, that they wouldn’t in reality be able to contribute to flights and accommodation. But they’d be paying for food and other day to day expenses while at home, so if they didn’t even contribute to a shop or buy a round of drinks then they are being CFs.

if it’s the latter then you will get nothing but whingeing if you “move the goalposts” for this holiday (as they will paint it). But time to stop the arrangements for future years. As PP have said it is all too easy for a family member to fall into the “taker” role. It’s often not deliberate but it’ll be interesting to see if they are still pleading poverty and expecting to be subbed in a year when they’ve come into money.

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