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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Resentment

37 replies

Mummy110121 · 18/04/2023 20:21

Please no judgement, just looking for advice

AIBU for resenting my partner?

We have been together over a year, i have a young child from a previous relationship. I work full time, studying a degree full time and i am a lone parent to a 2 year old. My partner started staying round my house around 6 months into our relationship however slowly progressed to staying at my house every day. He has only just started sharing the bills reluctantly despite him earning considerably more.

I start my day at 7am, my son does not sleep through the night so it really is a 24 hour job at the minute and struggles to go to sleep, with me often taking over an hour to settle him, with my “shift” ending at around 9/9:30pm.

My partner stays in bed until 10 minutes before he needs to leave for work, does not make the bed or do any sort of tidying in the morning, does not make my sons breakfast on the odd occasion, just focuses on himself and leaves for work.

On coming home, I already have tea on for us all due to working locally so arrive home earlier after collecting my son from nursery. my partner says he will do the washing up however often leaves it for the next day.

I bath my son myself, obviously, and then start the hour long settling my son to sleep. In this time my partner sits on the sofa downstairs playing games on his phone or watching football.

My partner leaves the house often to either play football on a week day for 2 hours or watch our local team as he is a season ticket holder, leaving for the pub between 1-3 hours before. He goes for long walks with his friends at the weekends or pops out to see his family for hours on end.

We did have an agreement that i would do all the clothes washing and he would clean the house every Friday as he has an early finish. This is rarely done and i would call it more tidying than cleaning. I also find myself blitzing the house midweek due to the overwhelming stress of the mess.

i have to think for him consistently, with him saying “if you told me to do something i would do it”. This frustrates the life out of me.

AIBU for resenting him? Or is it fair that my child is not his responsibility so it isn't right to count that workload and expect my partner to pick up the slack.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2023 20:26

Stop wasting your time and end it now. None of this will ever get better. You're the skivvy, and he's just another child to pick up after.

Unananana · 18/04/2023 20:27

So he moved in by stealth?? You have yourself a cocklodger. Put him out!

He is under no obligation to help with your son, but you would have a lot less to do without a useless, sponging lump to clear up after.

GrazingSheep · 18/04/2023 20:29

AIBU for resenting him?

Why is your bar so low? Why have you moved a lazy shit into the home you share with your young child??

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 18/04/2023 20:32

Exactly this!
he is not contributing enough and not doing enough. Show him the door!!
have some self respect and don’t let any man move in by themselves when you have a small child! Unbelievable, I swear I see posts like this nearly daily.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/04/2023 20:33

Kick him out, he reluctantly helps with bills only recently, doesn't do his fair share or things he has already agreed to do and makes more work for yourself.

He is a user and will keep wearing you down, using you as a house skivy to wash his cloths, cook his dinner until you wake up.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 18/04/2023 20:34

You're unreasonable to still be keeping him.

Original poster

Mummy110121 · 18/04/2023 20:35

I did think that ending the relationship would be the best decision however whenever i bring up the issues he makes out like i am asking for too much

OP posts:

Yahyahs22 · 18/04/2023 20:36

If it's like this only a year in, it won't get better

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 18/04/2023 20:36

Of course he is!! He is a user OP!

Unananana · 18/04/2023 20:37

Mummy110121 · 18/04/2023 20:35

I did think that ending the relationship would be the best decision however whenever i bring up the issues he makes out like i am asking for too much

He will say anything to keep his feet under your table and you being his housemaid.

CheeseLouisePlease · 18/04/2023 20:38

You’ve got 2 children now.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/04/2023 20:39

Of course he thinks you are expecting too much, if he had his way you wouldn't have him paying bills at all.
He's managed to trick you into the stuff that really needs doing and is better for him, ie, dinner on the table on weekdays, his laundry done for him but all he does is tidy and not even properly or clean and also leaves the dishes to stink the house up overnight.

He is a fucking user, he thinks only for himself and didn't have a respectful conversation before asking if he could move in about bills and responsibilities to be shared.
I bet you are the one who had to bring all these very normal expectations up.

He is a cocklodger.

Punkyspunky · 18/04/2023 20:40

Why?
why are you allowing this man to abuse you? Do you want to be in this position for the rest of your life. He contributes NOTHING to your life. He doesn’t help because he doesn’t care for you. Simple.
FFS wise up.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/04/2023 20:40

You also do not need to convince him the relationship is over, it isn't a fucking voting system, you want him gone then that's it, no arguments he needs to leave.

Nowvoyager99 · 18/04/2023 20:41

Mummy110121 · 18/04/2023 20:35

I did think that ending the relationship would be the best decision however whenever i bring up the issues he makes out like i am asking for too much

Well of course he does! He’s taking you for a total mug.

Time for him to fuck off and sponge off someone else isn’t it?

Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 20:41

He isn't going to admit he is a using waste of space is he? You don't need his permission to kick him out.. Tell him he needs be gone by the end of the week.

Barbecuebeans · 18/04/2023 20:42

Did he live with his parents before? Because he seems to think it's your job to look after him. Such a turn off. And incredibly selfish.

As a PP said. You don't need his agreement to end it!

Mojoj · 18/04/2023 20:43

Mummy110121 · 18/04/2023 20:35

I did think that ending the relationship would be the best decision however whenever i bring up the issues he makes out like i am asking for too much

Of course he does. He's onto a good thing. You're currently cooking, cleaning and washing his clothes for him. Kick him out and make room in your life for someone who respects you.

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2023 20:44

This relationship is a waste of time. And frankly your judgement is poor.

You allowed a man who has no interest in your child to essentially move in with you after 6 months.

No one should move in with a partner and their child unless they’re ready to be part of a family set up.

I would expect you to look after your child but he should shopping, contributing to bills, cleaning etc.

You would be utterly idiotic to continue seeing him.

FinallyHere · 18/04/2023 20:48

“if you told me to do something i would do it”.

Don't resent him, just ask him to move out. Simples.

whenever i bring up the issues he makes out like i am asking for too much

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

You can't really expect him to say 'hey, I've got a great cushy deal here, stop trying to make me carry a fair share of the adulting around here.

Congratulations, you got yourself a grade A cocklodger there. What are you going to do about it?

itsnotyourfence · 18/04/2023 20:51

he defines cocklodger, kick him out

CalistoNoSolo · 18/04/2023 20:51

How about putting the wellbeing of your child before your need for a relationship? You shouldn't have let him anywhere near your son, let alone move in after six months. Just dump the waste of space already.

LittleOwl153 · 18/04/2023 20:55

Think of it this way:

Every minute he is taking of your time - he is taking time away from your son. Washing his socks or picking up his crap is time your son is loosing

Every penny you spend on his costs - extra food, extra washing etc is money your son is not benefiting from or is not being saved for his future.

If you can't ditch the cocklodger for yourself (do you get that much 'value' from him to cover these losses?) - do it for your son!

Zanina · 18/04/2023 21:36

I would ask him to move out if you don't need his financial contribution and just see him on the weekends. You need the space to live and study, not another person making life harder for you x

Floribundaflummery · 18/04/2023 21:40

It sounds as if he is still acting like a single person not a partner.

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