To feel like I could abandon my child

[Applepiesmum]

I adore my dc I love them with all my heart but I feel like something may be wrong with me to easily feel so disconnected.

recently DH and I had an argument and I found myself contemplating whether I really wanted to be with them and I found myself just thinking about leaving them both he could have our DC the house dog etc and just walk away from it all.

I do 90% of the parenting and apart from these periods of disconnection I do think I’m a good mum I almost just feel like if he thinks he can do better he can.

but as I said I do think something is wrong with me to feel like I could do that? even after the argument when DH is trying to be nice or DC is trying to get my attention (even when DC has done nothing wrong) I’m not interested in being around either of them and expressionless with DC

For context DC is 1. I’m obviously not mean just less responsive

I dont think it's normal to feel that way about your baby especially. Do you feel different towards your DH since having your baby, or have you always felt this disconnect?

Is there any chance you could be depressed? Because that disconnection sounds quite like depression to me.

I too think you might be depressed. Have a word with your health visitor.

@NeIIie I think I’ve always felt this way I’ve never had problems really being over emotional and had no problem ending relationships with family or friends but I do think I shouldn’t feel this way towards my child

How was your childhood? Can you remember strong feelings of connection with your parents?

It isn't normal to feel this way about your baby. But nor is it normal to have no problem ending relationships with family. So I'm assuming you've had some adverse childhood experiences? If so, you likely need some professional support to help you move forward. This disconnect will really impact your child in the long term.

If you've always felt that way then maybe that's just who you are? If you want to try and change maybe speak to the GP.

That doesn't sound right.

Sometimes I feel a bit unemotional about my DC. But not to that extent.

You’re doing 90% of the parenting load, sounds like burnout to me. Your DH meds to step up and you need a break.

Are you autistic?

You sound like you've reached a limit op and disconnecting is a coping mechanism.
Would you feel comfortable talking to your GP about this?

I feel like this when I’m getting burnout. You need some rest.

It sounds like you are burnt out.

How much support do you get?

Thank you for the replies from what you said I actually googled it and it’s called disassociating! I’ve realised it’s something I do a lot when I’m doing something I don’t want to I just think about the end of the day and What I’ll be doing later to avoid being present.

my whole labour I just thought about how id be at home in 24 hours!

I don’t think it’s something id feel confident talking to my GP about I know how stretched the NHS is and it feels a bit silly wasting their time with my coping mechanism

I agree with previous posters, it sounds like you are burnt out and need a rest. I was burnt out when I had two under two during lockdown. I’m not an emotional person normally anyway but I was completely emotionally numb when I was overwhelmed. I sadly remember thinking I could walk out the door and leave them to it and not care or look back. Both of them are daddies boys which made me think I was surplus to requirement at the time and they wouldn’t care if I left anyway.

My husband stepped up massively since (he changed jobs in order to be around more as he was working 12-14 hour days 6 days a week) and things are much better 2 years on. I couldn’t imagine leaving now and wouldn’t even consider it for a second. I also started a new hobby which got me out the house and socializing which helped.

You sound like you need a break 💐 parenting is tough

Hello love. It is not right you feel this way to this extent, the good news is you have reached out and are taking action to helping yourself.

Don't worry about the GP, it is what they're there for. Also the HV team. HVs have so many referrals that could help you unlock your feelings (ACEs? Personality traits?) and support you to help yourself/get back to where you want to be.

I agree with some other posters; take up a pastime just for you!! Do you work? Also let DH take over some of the parenting.

As someone with a mother who did abandon us I say you’re BU considering that.
therapy though is very useful, j can recommend it and you pay for ut so not draining the NHS.

You absolutely wouldn’t be wasting the GP’s time. To have a parent become “expressionless” and seemingly switch off their emotions is incredibly damaging for a child - even a baby - and you need to do something to address that. It sounds like it also impacts other areas of your life, and other people in your life, when you talk about ending relationships with friends and family.

There is such a lot to gain by getting some help, and such a lot to risk if you don’t.

You wouldn't be wasting anyones time

Excuse me… what?! What the OP describes isn’t an autistic trait at all!

I was replying to the autistic comment brw

burnt out / overtired / overwhelmed and under appreciated lots of different ways to describe the same (lack of) feeling. Lots of mums (if not all) I think feel it at some point though almost no-one talks about it. I used to dream about running away to live in a bedsit alone. I think nothing anyone tells you beforehand really prepares you for how tired and lonely looking after your kids can be no matter how much you love them.

Avoidant attachment profile, disassociation, blocked care. None of these make you a bad person op. They are healthy and natural reactions based on self preservation when a person is going through extremely difficult and sustained issues. Don’t beat yourself up, sounds like you need some self care to me.

You might have post natal depression. Your GP absolutely can help if you have it. Please go and get help for yourself OP. You need looking after too. Take care of yourself. Also ask your DH to step up with the baby sometimes to give you a total break. Have you got friends IRL you can turn to or are you a bit isolated? It's nothing you've done or haven't done OP. It's most likely post pregnancy hormones. Your GP will most likely provide medication but also counselling too.

It's really good that you have recognised the way you feel and behave. It means (in my opinion) that you can do something about it.

My Mum clearly never felt an emotional connection with her kids. She is an extreme example, but she perfected the art of faking it and made our relationship
transactional while talking complete guff about unconditional love.

Her mother was like that too and I think they were born that way. However, despite a dreadful childhood, I have recognised that I use disassociation to manage my emotions and have worked through it in therapy.

I am a naturally loving parent but I needed therapy to deal with the fear of being needed and wanted. It really frightened me because I thought I would let my husband and child down.

I didn't let anyone down, not even myself!