To leave a 16 and 15 year old on there own for a week

[Madhousemam]

Hi all I need a bit of advice my ex has been abusive to me in the past and now we’re kind of on talking terms but he wants to leave the 16 and 15 year old on there own for a week so he can can go on holiday I’m not happy with this all ready said I will have the 2 boys but that isn’t good enough and now he is kicking off the 2 kids are in there final year of secondary school still and the ex is wondering why I’m saying no

A week sounds like a long time, how responsible are they? Can you or others look in on them regularly?

No I wouldn't leave them. Are they currently revising for GCSEs?

16 year old I would, not 15 year old. If they were both 16 or the eldest was 18 I would.

What do you mean it's not good enough? What difference does it make to him if they're alone at his house or have a few days at yours? What's the custody situation?

In my opinion they should not be left a week.

Why on Earth would be not be happy with you looking after his sons when he is on holiday?
is he difficult about you looking after them generally? He sounds like a prick. Sorry.

def should not leave his kids for a week. Perhaps a weekend in certain circumstances and they were very trustworthy.

Hmm I think if one of my 15 year old students told me they'd been left home alone for a week, I'd fill in a safeguarding referral. Not sure how much it would be acted on, but I'd definitely flag it up

Are they your children ?

They aren't those ages though...what an irrelevant comment.

A week is too long to leave children of 15 and 16.

I’m “not allowed there” as the ex won’t let me there are neighbours around but not all the time and yep there studying for GCSEs now I just don’t like the idea of them being on there own all week they are quite responsible but if anything was to happen they wouldn’t let anyone know as well and I dont drive to get there quickly. I have tried to compromise by saying that if the ex can find a sitter for the week I’m more then happy for him to go ect but because I won’t let the bigger to stay for the week on there own I’m being mean

What’s the arrangement around contact? Do they usually live with you or with him?

At those ages I think it would depend on the kids. I know of dc those ages who have been left for that long. Bad timing though if it's during the GCSE's at least in the summer holidays they wouldn't have to be anywhere or doing anything.

I'd be worried about parties mostly, he may well end up regretting leaving them!

Sorry I don’t want to drop feed but don’t no how I can tag people as quite now to the site we don’t have any legal custody arrangements we have been working it out between our selfs we did have social services involved before because of the domestic abuse after 6 months or so they was happy and left us alone he has “controls” with the 2 biggest ones as keeps saying vile things to them to make them hate me even more and gets jealous if I talk to any of them (it really is so stupid) I have said if he goes and leaves them on there own I will phone social services myself and tell them as I’m really not happy with the idea of it who ever said he sound like a prick is completely right 😂😂

Sorry it’s not in half term or anything it’s in a weeks time so they will have to make there way to school ect with out an adult in the house for a week as well

Yes they are both mine and his but they stay with him the most long story

It's not irrelevant. I'm saying I would leave the eldest but also indicating they are on the cusp of what I would be happy with rather than a long way off.

Can you just tell the boys to bring their stuff to your place while their Dad is away? Would he tell them they weren't allowed and had to stay in his place? If he does he's really overstepping as he doesn't have court appointed custody.

I think you need to go to mediation to finalise the custody arrangements- or possibly to court, as it sounds like he is making all the decisions.

They're too young to be left alone for a week.

I’m currently living with my mum due to him making me homeless like I said it’s a long story I have all ready said that they can come hear but that isn’t ok basically he wants to swan off and leave them and he thinks it’s ok but I really don’t

"all ready said I will have the 2 boys but that isn’t good enough" what does this mean and why?

If they "stay with him the most because of long story" then the long story is relevant to your AIBU and no one on Mumsnet can really say because you haven't given the long story.

I would not leave a 15 and 16 year old on their own for a week but have seen loads of threads on Mumsnet where people shrug and say it's fine.

It's tricky trying to go on holiday when your kids are 15 to 18 if they don't want to go with you - so what me and dh did was adapt our holiday plans around them. They could be home alone for a few days but not a whole week, no way.

I'd have to know the boys well to consider going along with this. Tbh my main concern would be how well they get on with each other. Lads that age typically squabble fight. Do they have a similar attitude towards revision, school etc.lf one has mates round and one wants to revise that's aa recipe for disaster. I'd be more comfortable leaving one.

Could you look at their timetables and plan that they split the week, so one at yours 3 nights where they revise then chill at their dads

Sorry it’s a definite no from me, overnight maybe but not for a week. Even the 16 year old is the perfect age for getting up to mischief if left alone for a week and it’s not fair for the older child to be responsible for the younger child either.

its not good enough for me to have the boys for a week in my exs eyes the boys would be fine with it but he wouldn’t have control of what they hear ect I have tried to comprise a lot by saying that if he get a sitter for them and if he basically doesn’t leave them on there own it’s fine he is one of those people that wants everything his own way and won’t back down at all everything I say is a lie he doesn’t listen to me at all he has put me thro hell before he got me arrested at one point for “not feeding the kids” even though I was feeding them hence why social services got involved but social services and the police count see any problems at all he was mentally abusing me for about 4 years before I finally managed to get away now he thinks that he knows everything and that I’m terrible even tho I’m not

Thank you everyone I have said no I want to get some proper advice from police or something but also don’t want to waste there time I have put my foot down and said no as the 2 boys will fight and most probably won’t eat or go to school all week