To feel like a lot of healthy, able bodied women

[isitjusthumannature]

Completely dismiss the experiences of disabled women, brush off the things we have to go through - but then once anything medical happens to the 'healthy' person they suddenly want empathy and act like they are the first person to have to deal with it?

My mate had to provide a urine sample at her gp and banged on for ages about how invasive she found it. She knows I have to do this at regular medical appointments as well as blood tests and other things I find upsetting. But said "it's ok for you as you're so used to doctors".

She honestly didn't mean anything bad by it and she's a great person, I love her, but it strikes me that for some reason I'm in a separate category to her that makes her dismiss my experiences.

Like no, it isn't and I hate all the medical interventions I have to have.

That's just one example, it's something I've noticed quite regularly. And it honestly isn't coming from a nasty place, but makes me sad that it's like certain women, disabled women, are seen as less important and our upset matters less?

A urine sample is invasive? I presume she could use the bathroom to get it?

A urine sample is invasive???? She sounds batshit.

I'm baffled that she found a urine test invasive! Did she have to do it in public?!

It was the first time she has had to provide one, so yes she said she found it invasive.

Her feelings are her feelings, it's not exactly fun and I get that. It's more the thinking around it, about why it's ok for the likes of me that bugged me!

Some, maybe, but not ‘lots’

No not a public urine sample lol just a normal one.

I’m confused, how were they extracting the urine?

Totally hear you. Some people are just meant to put up with things as they have always had it rough. It’s just sooooo much worse for someone who is new to this minor experience. Comes from a narcissistic place

Of course. It's very hard to understand how something feels if you haven't gone through it. Health is something which is notoriously easy to take for granted until you don't have it.

I agree that people with disabilities are often treated very poorly in society in general but I think your friend was just being insensitive. You might just want to point out that just because you go through things a lot doesn't make them any easier. Otherwise I'd just let it go.

Sadly I think this is part of human nature... We often lack empathy until we have personal experience. I agree it's super frustrating and I can see why you would feel annoyed. It's tone deaf of your friend. If she had the humility to say "gosh, I had no idea how hard this must be for you, I'm so sorry I never realised." That would be better.

OP seriously if she thinks that's invasive she may need smelling salts ready for a smear.

Ive found my experiences as a disabled women quite easily dismissed as well

I was talking to a female friend about how I wasnt looking forward to my smear test because i find it so painful to get into the position. Im sometimes in a wheelchair, have mobility issues and getting into the right position is physically quite painful for me

She scoffed at me and told me 'when you have had a baby like me you can go through all sorts of gynae procedures without blinking. I don't find smear tests uncomfortable any more'

Well sure but my point wasnt that I found the actual test uncomfortable, although im not a fan. My point was it takes me forever to get into position and my body struggles to stay there. But that apparently is irrelevant.

Also I cant have kids and she knew it at the time but I was glossing over the 'when you have had a baby like me' part 🙄

Its only one example I have more but i totally recognise that attitude of dismissing the disabled persons experience, although I appreciate thats not the full point you were making

I think you are right, mainly because I am guilty of it myself. When I have trivial health problems I find them so unpleasant...I can't even comprehend what it must be like to live with a serious health condition. I wouldn't deal with it gracefully.

Absolutely

I think that's what separates out people who can only ever centre themselves and never stop to consider how others cope

I think your friend is insane. But (apart from on this site) I find most people try not to assume that my disability is something they understand, becuse they know they don't. Generally "society" can be awful at dealing with disability, but individually I think most people try. To be fair, I get it. Until I became disabled myself I thought that society had progressed. It hasn't.

Yes exactly, about how some people are just meant to put up and shut up.

But in fairness, I don't think it is always narcissistic.

I think sometimes it can just be from a place of innocence? Maybe that's not the right word exactly, but where they have never really realised how they would feel if certain things happened, and there was no other choice but to do them?

Narcissistic!?? There’s some arm chair psychology for you!
People ( understandably) find it hard to understand or appreciate the difficult parts of somebody else’s life until it happens to them. That’s human nature. It does not mean that it’s ok to dismiss or devalue that other person’s experiences and I think your friend was extremely thoughtless and insensitive and I’m not surprised it’s annoyed you.

Yes agree with everything you say and it totally does fit in with the point I was making.

I most likely can't have children either and I've been there with some very thoughtless remarks too, it can be so hurtful I'm sorry

Is this specific to able bodied women vs disabled women or more generally able bodied people vs disabled people?

Hope your friend never needs a colonoscopy either!!

You know when athletes win at the Olympics. And they are all happy and celebrating etc and then they disappear for a while.

Do you know what they do in that time? A urine sample. A fully witnessed urine sample.

Kind of ruins the glamour of the occasion!

(Sorry - totally off topic - and you have a very good point Op - but it just blows my mind a bit.)

I've also been there, and gad that said to me. I found it very hurtful, as the person concerned who had known me for a long time, didn't know if I hadn't had children because I'd chosen not to have children, or was unable to have them. I'd expected better of her, and it put me off someone I had previously liked.

Of course there is a huge problem with ableism in general. And a huge problem with women's healthcare being more unsatisfactory, and men being seen as the 'default' in healthcare research.

However, I am a woman in a romantic relationship with a woman, who primarily discusses any kind of personal medical stuff with other women - so this observation was more about how able bodied women can be inclined to brush off the experiences of disabled women.

I would not call myself disabled, but I am managing a number of chronic conditions which flare up and disrupt things. I profoundly hate feeling like an “ill person”. My DC also has complex health needs. It has been absolutely eye opening to me how people just don’t really know what to do with chronic illness. They want you to be better. They want you to be positive. They want your kid to be fixed now. And yes, when they have a brief issue, they tend not to realise how it’s not easier for us to do, we just have to.

I agree it comes from just not seeing, and the huge amount of structural ableism. When other parents have to take their kids to A&E, it genuinely is probably the most stressful bit of their week. For us, if it doesn’t end up with DC spending 2 weeks in hospital then we are actually counting blessings. Our normal is not their normal. But it’s bloody hard. Hats off to you OP and everyone else doing their fucking best to live the best possible life despite a whole pile of unfair crap!

I think you have unrealistic expectations. In some ways you are 'in a separate category ' as in you're an experienced hardened urine giver! That doesn't mean she's invalidating your feelings but clearly you don't feel the same as her and probably have become desensitised to some degree.
Imagine a teen girl telling her best friend "and we were just looking at each other and then he kissed me. O M G I thought I was floating!" It's her first kiss, so in this case something nice, but its new. She won't be saying that in a years time.
Why can't you use it as a bonding experience instead of being angry at her. I have friends that care for elderly relatives. I don't but when my mum had a hip replacement I had a glimpse into their world ferry mum back n forth n pulling up knickers. I bet there's things going on in her life that you're not aware of.
Did you explain to her that although the initial shock has worn off you still feel humiliated/embarrassed/violated etc when you have to go through health checks/clinical procedures? Allow your friend to voice her feelings in real time, but re visit at a later date.