To feel like a lot of healthy, able bodied women

[isitjusthumannature]

Completely dismiss the experiences of disabled women, brush off the things we have to go through - but then once anything medical happens to the 'healthy' person they suddenly want empathy and act like they are the first person to have to deal with it?

My mate had to provide a urine sample at her gp and banged on for ages about how invasive she found it. She knows I have to do this at regular medical appointments as well as blood tests and other things I find upsetting. But said "it's ok for you as you're so used to doctors".

She honestly didn't mean anything bad by it and she's a great person, I love her, but it strikes me that for some reason I'm in a separate category to her that makes her dismiss my experiences.

Like no, it isn't and I hate all the medical interventions I have to have.

That's just one example, it's something I've noticed quite regularly. And it honestly isn't coming from a nasty place, but makes me sad that it's like certain women, disabled women, are seen as less important and our upset matters less?

Presume she's never given birth or had a smear test then?!

I get what you mean OP. Yes there's a certain amount of getting used to it, as a chronically ill disabled person. But that doesn't really make it any easier. If anything it makes it harder in some ways. For example, I've always been pretty chilled and open about my body, now I hate getting my tits out for the doctors to stick their tests on because it all feels so intrusive and medicalised. Another example, nobody really likes hospitals, but after a few bad experiences lots of us end up feeling panicked just going through the door. I hate seeing hospital trolleys because it reminds me of some traumatic experiences. And in my experience, we get a worse standard of care because we're "in all the time" and "must be used to it".
I don't think non-disabled non-sick people are ever really going to understand all that though. Best I can hope for is that they stop making insensitive comments in the meantime.
Disabled people are often seen as less than human. That's an extreme viewpoint for someone to explicitly express, but the way in which we are generally dehumanised, in so many different ways, contributes to ideas like this.

I think we are all the centre of our own universe, and think like this, if nothing has happened to make us aware. I remember thinking when my son died, how many women in poor countries or in the past had had to bear this often, and we in our ignorance just think that the fact that it is a common occurrence makes it less painful for them. It is not just that we are ableist, we are 'otherist' and imagine that people, who by their circumstances have to put up with horrible experiences, get used to it and do not feel it as we would.

I don't think your friend represents a lot of women though- and I don't think her comment means that she dismisses your experiences based on the example you have given.

I do think it is absolutely fine for people to be mainly concerned with their own experiences and situations- whilst it is good to have empathy and consideration for other people I don't think it is possible for us all to hold in our minds all other peoples' experiences and worries or to ruminate on all possible problems - it would be mentally damaging even if you could.

Yanbu. I find this a lot with my 9 year old who has had 23 operations. People tell me that I should be used to it by now or that it's not a big deal but the only thing that's easier now is that I know where the toilet/vending machine etc are.

Pee in a bottle I imagine😀

It doesn't just happen to disabled people, I am really fat and very rarely ill, my friend is slim, fit and is poorly a lot more often, I am always really sympathetic when she is ill, if I am ill, I never seem to be allowed to be as ill as her and I get the distinct impression she thinks its because of my 'lifestyle' as opposed to the random lurgies that effect her.

Ha ha,made me laugh

I voted YABU but only because I don't think it's so black and white. I have a hidden disability (autoimmune with periods of wellness and periods of relapse) and I have had a disabled friend (full time wheelchair user) make 'lighthearted' comments how easy it would be to fake my condition and also once seemed to think i have some sort of control over when i have relapses so told me to try not to have one when we had something planned🙄

She didnt mean to be offensive just as I'm sure I've probably said inappropriate things to friends with disabilities other than my own before (still cringe about the time I invited a friend with MD and a heavy AF powerchair to my house and forgot to factor the stairs)

It's always harder for people to fully understand something that's outside of their lived experience but some people (disabled or not) try harder to be thoughtful to others.

Having an open dialogue is the best thing you can do about this as 99% of the time people don't mean to be cruel and if you let them know they will hopefully be more empathetic in the future

Yes, health was the thing I took most for granted until I lost it. It really is the biggest gift. But I don't think healthy people understand that - I certainly didn't.

I think that with severe illness or disability, you can never KNOW until it happens to you.

I used to go a good couple years without seeing a Dr for myself, hated the smell of hospitals, would dig old antibiotics out the cupboard to save the faff of making a GP appt when I felt the signs of strep, and I was terrified of needles. I was arrogant enough to think that in my early 30s, I had years left of magical, fell into my hands by luck, health.

Now I inject myself in the stomach flab 3 times a week to try to mitigate the effects of my chemotherapy, have biopsy scars, and the way my veins are having to get dug at I'm probably going to get landed with a PICC soon.

I didn't know how many different cancers there were, or what went into staging them, and I didn't think of cancer patients having whole lives outside of cancer until I got it and started spending a lot of time talking to other patients while we do chemo.

I don’t think we as humans need to get every situation or experience. I don’t get how it feels to be white, I don’t get how it feels to be a male, I don’t get how it feels to not have parents still alive etc. that doesn’t mean I can’t be sympathetic of course. But if my parents died tomorrow I would be desperately sad, but I wouldn’t be equally sad for my friend who lost her parents a decade ago. Not because I think her loss meant less, but because I couldn’t relate to it then and I am going through something today.