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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband makes me feel like I’m always in the wrong!

16 replies

Rainadey · 17/04/2023 23:11

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

OP posts:
greenthumb13 · 17/04/2023 23:15

That sounds really really hard. My husband is also very religious but so am I. I think we interpret things differently and he was also raised differently. I celebrate Halloween as I don't think there's anything satanic about little kids dressing up like cartoon characters and getting sweets. If they were to do it on any other day I don't think he would care. Another thing like the Gastro pub thing. That is absolutely not anti-Christian. That is him being a controlling jerk and you don't need his permission to go to a restaurant. Go and see how good it feels and keep doing things that you feel are right, even if he disagrees. I finally stopped asking my husband for permission and he has calmed right down. He even took the kids trick or treating last year without me!

If he doesn't calm down then you might need to think about separating. He can't just dictate to you what is right and wrong.

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 23:47

OP,

You are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.

This is coercive control which is a CRIME.

You need to call Womens aid asap.

This is not a good man.

This is a man that you need to report to the police.

His bullying control of you is a CRIME.

This does not have to be your life.

Religious man my arse.

Just another man abusing and controlling his wife and children but using religion as his stick.

Involve the police.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/04/2023 23:49

I've never heard of a Christian avoiding a pub for lunch.

You could ask his vicar or priest to intervene? Or tell him if you divorced he would have absolutely no say on what activities you did with your kids in your contact time.

But really he does sound controlling and abusive and I bet this is the tip of the iceberg of his sexism and bullying so womens aid may be a good idea. Or the police

SunnySaturdayMorning · 17/04/2023 23:51

Surely you knew his extreme Christian views and accepted them before deciding to have children with him? Confused

Ponoka7 · 17/04/2023 23:52

My Sister's Christian Church Christmas meals out are in Gastro pubs, the Reverend goes with them. As said, this isn't about religion, it's about control.

Maray1967 · 17/04/2023 23:56

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 23:47

OP,

You are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.

This is coercive control which is a CRIME.

You need to call Womens aid asap.

This is not a good man.

This is a man that you need to report to the police.

His bullying control of you is a CRIME.

This does not have to be your life.

Religious man my arse.

Just another man abusing and controlling his wife and children but using religion as his stick.

Involve the police.

Exactly this. I am a Christian - your husband is not recognisable to me as a Christian. He is a controlling bully.
I do know Christians who object to Halloween but I have never heard of a Christian who objects to a gastro pub.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 17/04/2023 23:58

I've never met a Christian who won't eat at a gastropub...

I think he's just abusing and controlling you and using his religion as a shield for this.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 17/04/2023 23:58

OP, sorry for swearing but I feel this so very strongly. You a married to an absolute wanker. Who does he think he is? Leave.

SparklyBlackKitten · 18/04/2023 00:02

Time to commit the biggest SIN of all: divorce this pathetic excuse of a man op!
He is nothing more than a bully.

And if you are to stay with the man;stick up for yourself. And for your kids!!! Take them out for halloween. Who cares he will give you the silent treatment. Let him.

Take the kids to the gastro bar. Stop asking him to do things. Tell him that you are doing things. If not. You will end up regretting it. Now and in the future.

And your kids wil resent you for it as you are an enabler. You enable your husband's behaviour by following his rediculous dogmatic way of thinking. Really op. It is time to change. Time to choose. Choose you. Choose your kids. The world be better without dh making you feel like shit every step of the way

Restinggoddess · 18/04/2023 00:02

If he has such strong religious beliefs - why did he marry someone who is not aligned with these? It’s control - plain and simple……..and not very Christian of him

SparklyBlackKitten · 18/04/2023 00:03

Ps by sin i meant according to the fictional tale of the bible, telling that divorce is bad.

But obviously it is not a sin. It is liberation. Freedom. And the best thing that could happen for some marriages

Murdoch1949 · 18/04/2023 04:44

I hope you find the strength and support to stand up to this bullying husband and father. He is imposing his irrational beliefs onto you and your children, and you have to find a way to give your children and yourself the life you want. If he is unable to change then you may have to look to starting a new life with your children without him.

RadicalAnne · 18/04/2023 05:14

If his objection to having lunch in a pub is alcohol related, remind him that Jesus first miracle was turning water into wine.

Also, Hallowe’en is the eve of a profound Christian festival where the souls of the faithful are remembered. Like Christmas, it has been commercially exploited but a reasonable adult can differentiate between a solemn moment of worship and an innocent child having fun.

What denomination is he?

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2023 05:20

Did you post this twice?

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2023 05:23

Divorce him and then you can live life on your own terms not his; he’s controlling and abusive towards you

Pringleface · 18/04/2023 06:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2023 05:20

Did you post this twice?

Yes, she has.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4787377-my-husband-is-in-charge-of-my-life

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