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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking if I want children?

29 replies

alwaysthefool · 17/04/2023 18:30

I feel it might not happen for me, single and late 30s. A 19 year old apprentice at work asked if I wanted children (knowing I’m single) and it wasn’t like I was even talking about children or dating.

It really upset me, not to the point I’m crying or showed it bothered me. But I feel it’s inappropriate to ask me such personal questions. Or I’m just very sensitive. I’d never ask anyone that question, for all I know they might have just had a miscarriage.

OP posts:
purplepapaya · 17/04/2023 18:34

I've been through several years of fertility struggles now, and if a 19 year old asked me that I wouldn't be offended. I would be upset if a 30-something asked me it because I'd expect them to know better.

A 19 year old probably isn't going to have the life experience to appreciate how difficult that question can be.

ApplePie20 · 17/04/2023 18:36

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. I think a lot of 19 yo probably have no comprehension about how sensitive that question may be. Most 19 yo will have no idea about how torturous conception and staying pregnant can be. I suspect they meant nothing by it beyond thinking it’s reasonable chit chat. But you are not unreasonable to feel upset at all x

NeatCompactSleeper · 17/04/2023 18:37

Sorry it upset you.

I don't think it's rude though, just general chitchat.

MilkshakeEarthquake · 17/04/2023 18:41

It’s just conversation

Clarabell77 · 17/04/2023 18:43

It’s not something I would ask someone at work but a 19 year old probably wouldn’t understand that it could be a bit of a sensitive subject.

Evaka · 17/04/2023 18:47

Agree it probably came from a place of innocence, or trying to have a grown up conversation. Sorry it made you feel shit.

MintJulia · 17/04/2023 19:10

He's a 19 year old boy. While it's a bit clumsy, I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt your feelings. He's probably never even thought the limitations of a woman's fertility. I couldn't honestly take offence at that.

And I didn't have my one dc until mid-forties.

Cativy · 17/04/2023 19:12

I have kids now but I always used to hate people asking me. I have friends who haven't yet managed to have children and friends who don't want children and they don't like being asked either.

Arightoldcarryabag · 17/04/2023 19:18

It's highly insensitive but as others have suggested, I'd not blame the lad.
It's normal to feel emotional when something like this suddenly lands in your lap and you're not prepared for it and knowing how to react is difficult.

Don't feel unreasonable for your feelings, only really an outward reaction could be considered unreasonable and you kept your composure and reflected on your feelings which is admirable.

Maybe you could use these things as an opportunity to educate someone, but that's not your job so unless it made you feel better what's the point as lets face it, some people would then consider YOU as inappropriate.

Personally, I'd speak to the guy and be open about peoples struggles with fertility either through not having met the right person or physical difficulties and explain that it's not always appropriate to ask people this question, I'd also explain about my own personal difficulties and why I haven't up til this point had any children and about my hopes and fears for what will transpire.
But I'm a gobshite.

Feelslikespring2 · 17/04/2023 19:21

I've had IVF and thought I'd never have kids so totally get it. However I echo that a 19 yr wouldn't of had the life experience or understood the sensitivity of this question. So try not to be upset with them. I get why it would sting but they were probably just trying to make conversation or fill an awkward silence

Tandora · 17/04/2023 19:22

I think it’s a question that comes from a normal curiosity about people and wanting to connect/ chat. He’s only 19 and won’t have understood necessarily how sensitive the subject might be for you. I wouldn’t take this personally. Sorry to hear you are struggling with the question though. Do you think that’s something worth thinking about some more? There are different ways to have a family if that is what you want xx

TheDuchessOfMN · 17/04/2023 19:25

I agree that at 19, they won’t realise how sensitive and inappropriate that question is.

You should try and take it as a compliment that they consider you young enough to have children in the future.
I’ve had much worse assumptions made by younger colleagues Wink

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 19:28

I feel like it's often something that only women are asked about and it would irritate me, especially knowing you are single.

Do we know the 19 year old is a man? People are saying he but OP didn't unless I'm missing it.

Aylestone · 17/04/2023 19:28

NeatCompactSleeper · 17/04/2023 18:37

Sorry it upset you.

I don't think it's rude though, just general chitchat.

This. Why tf is someone commenting ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you’ like the op has been seriously assaulted or something.

JudgeRudy · 17/04/2023 19:30

alwaysthefool · 17/04/2023 18:30

I feel it might not happen for me, single and late 30s. A 19 year old apprentice at work asked if I wanted children (knowing I’m single) and it wasn’t like I was even talking about children or dating.

It really upset me, not to the point I’m crying or showed it bothered me. But I feel it’s inappropriate to ask me such personal questions. Or I’m just very sensitive. I’d never ask anyone that question, for all I know they might have just had a miscarriage.

It is inappropriate yes but I think society is only just starting to consider this let alone be fully on board. It will take time but it might be a good idea to mention it.
I'm middle aged and I get so angry when within minutes of meeting me the default Q is do I have family. People have been doing this for years and I've been angry for years. I don't think it should just be about considering someone might have fertility problems, miscarriages etc...it might include considering me a woman these to be standard default 'womens' question. A man is more likely to be asked what he goes for a living. I consider these type of questions micro aggressions.

ApplePie20 · 17/04/2023 19:33

Aylestone · 17/04/2023 19:28

This. Why tf is someone commenting ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you’ like the op has been seriously assaulted or something.

Show quote history

…because it clearly upset OP and acknowledging that, even if I don’t agree that the 19 yo was being unreasonable, is a bit more validating than telling her she should get over it because she hasn’t been assaulted?

KimberleyClark · 17/04/2023 19:35

I used to hate it while I was going through infertility and after we gave up IVF and I was still raw. It was like a gut punch. It gets better with time.

QueSyrahSyrah · 17/04/2023 19:41

I'm sorry it upset you OP. I'm coming up 40, TTC for two years and it upsets me too.

I've crafted an 'Entirely Disinterested in kids' persona at work as it's easier than being repeatedly questioned (by the same nosey old cows) and today I got loudly and randomly lambasted for that which also upset me, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to win 🤷🏻‍♀️

Choconut · 17/04/2023 19:45

It's just conversation, if you thought about all the possible 'what if's' then you'd never ask anyone anything. Obviously it a very difficult thing for you and so you understandably feel very sensitive about it. I wonder if counselling might be helpful for you? Just to have someone to talk through all your fears and feelings with.

Username24680 · 17/04/2023 19:46

@alwaysthefool I agree with others - I doubt the 19 year old appreciated how sensitive and inappropriate a question it is. They were probably just trying to make chit chat.
Bear in mind that through school etc they’d have you believe that a boy just had to look at you the wrong way and you’d end up pregnant 🙄 we were literally taught at school that if you have unprotected sex ONCE you WILL get pregnant. I think a lot of people don’t appreciate how unrealistic that actually is and just how common fertility issues are until they reach a stage of trying for their own children!

itsmylife7 · 17/04/2023 19:46

I've never asked if anyone wants children its such a personal question.
I just don't understand why it's asked.

GoodChat · 17/04/2023 19:48

OP if you feel up to it tomorrow or in a few days it might be worth having a quiet word with them about why it's not an appropriate question to ask someone they don't really know.

People are saying it's not their fault, they don't understand, so someone needs to explain why so that they don't ask someone else who won't react as well.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 17/04/2023 19:48

purplepapaya · 17/04/2023 18:34

I've been through several years of fertility struggles now, and if a 19 year old asked me that I wouldn't be offended. I would be upset if a 30-something asked me it because I'd expect them to know better.

A 19 year old probably isn't going to have the life experience to appreciate how difficult that question can be.

This is my thought too. As a grown woman with life experience I know how triggering and intrusive this question can be; I’m not sure my 19 year old has the emotional intelligence or life understanding to know this.

GoodChat · 17/04/2023 19:50

MintJulia · 17/04/2023 19:10

He's a 19 year old boy. While it's a bit clumsy, I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt your feelings. He's probably never even thought the limitations of a woman's fertility. I couldn't honestly take offence at that.

And I didn't have my one dc until mid-forties.

OP never said it was a boy (or man, at 19) but it's irrelevant what the apprentices sex is and shouldn't be excused even if they are male.

defi · 17/04/2023 19:52

I think it's very rude of them

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