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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this too much drinking?

29 replies

feghs324 · 17/04/2023 11:34

SO many threads like this but I'm getting frustrated with partner's drinking and just want to gauge if I'm being controlling or not.

He definitely likes a drink but I wouldn't say alcoholic. I'd say he drinks on average 4 nights a week (less sometimes, more if on holiday or has a busy social week) and is fine not drinking on his off nights/doesn't crave a drink.

Of those four nights I'd say he drinks a min of half a bottle to a max of one bottle of wine. If we go to the pub he will drink beer instead but I'd say around the same quantity (could be a few as two or up to maybe six if he is out with mates).

I found myself getting annoyed yesterday as we came on holiday and on the flight over he ended up drinking six drinks (we flew business as a treat so I know he was thinking of it as 'free booze' and wanted to make the most of it and wouldn't normally drink that much) but we will be drinking probably a bottle of wine and a couple of cocktails together each night on holiday now (only three nights) so I would have liked him to just have a liver break before that - if you know what I mean!

Anyway what do you think? Does he have a problem or just like a drink?

OP posts:

Spottycarousel · 17/04/2023 11:39

To me it sounds like he has a problem.

nomoredriving · 17/04/2023 11:40

Seems fine to me!

overitunderit · 17/04/2023 11:40

Sounds fine to me too

FiveShelties · 17/04/2023 11:41

Honestly, just enjoy your holiday.

Original poster

feghs324 · 17/04/2023 11:43

@FiveShelties yes I just realized it’s silly to be posting while I’m here!

OP posts:

OliveToboogie · 17/04/2023 11:44

If it is causing you a problem then you need to address it. Maybe not on holiday but when you get home. Drinking 4 nights a week seems a lot. Maybe it's just a habit he has got into but definitely needs to look at impact it's having on family life.

overitunderit · 17/04/2023 11:45

To be totally honest you do sound a bit controlling over this issue as you're counting/monitoring his drinks so carefully. His level of drinking sounds very normal (although it's probably over the recommended limit) and it doesn't sound like he has any form of dependency. You would like him to drink less but that doesn't mean he should. Enjoy your hols and try to relax. I do understand the desire to control alcohol because I'm a bit the same with my DH but I think we just have to learn to bite our tongues a bit.

overitunderit · 17/04/2023 11:47

OliveToboogie · 17/04/2023 11:44

4 nights a week is actually not a lot. It's recommended to have 3 nights without alcohol a week, ideally consecutively. What's really important is volume and speed at which you drink. Binge drinking is much more dangerous than moderate drinking more frequently for example so the fact that he drinks 4 nights a week isn't necessarily a cause for concern unless volume of booze is also an issue.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 17/04/2023 11:47

It sounds a lot to me. A minimum of 2 bottles of wine a week is 20 units on its own, topped up by all the other drink.

CountZacular · 17/04/2023 11:53

It is technically too much but it doesn’t seem outrageous either. The amount of days drinking seems fine and it would be more about the quantity. Having a few drinks at the start of the holiday on a flight doesn’t seem like a big deal at all unless you think he’ll get to the hotel and crash.

Does it have a negative impact on you, or do you just not like it? I think that’s the key thing here.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/04/2023 12:07

This sounds a lot like my drinking over the past 15 years or so. It was a problem for me in that it probably wasn't doing my body any good, but I didn't get drunk, or get hangovers so it wasn't a "problem". I was usually having 3-4 cans 4 or 5 nights a week

The issue started for me when I had a kid. Suddenly I wasn't going out or doing much in the evenings, so I'd have a couple of beers to relax. And it became a habit, and if I didn't have a few beers then it would feel like something was missing.

For the last six months I've decided to stop drinking alone. I won't drink unless I'm with someone else who's drinking. Partner barely drinks so I've pretty much cut out drinking at home, except for when we're celebrating a birthday, Christmas etc. I've cut down hugely on my intake as a result.

I still feel like somethings missing in the evenings, but it is lessening. It's worst the evening after I've been having a few beers with someone. It's my 40th this week, so I've been out with a few different groups of friends, and the "off-nights" I've had a real hankering for a few beers in the house.

The trick for me is to stave off the boredom. I'm most likely to have a beer if I'm just sat around watching TV or something, so if I feel the need for one I just go for a walk, or find a project to do etc

Growlybear83 · 17/04/2023 12:09

No I don't think that's a problem at all.

Original poster

feghs324 · 17/04/2023 12:29

thanks @CountZacular - it doesn’t negatively effect me or him to be honest - he works hard, is at the gym four days a week, good around the house etc etc.

It’s more his health in the long term I’m worried about - I had a mother who basically drilled into me growing up you will die from cancer if you drink too much and that’s definitely manifesting now years later!

OP posts:

Londongal123 · 17/04/2023 12:44

It’s a spectrum. If you’re questioning it then it’s probably a sign that it’s starting to be a problem. It may not seem like too much but where’s the line as tolerance starts to build? If it’s not a problem then he would have no problem cutting back after holiday. If he won’t cut back then that’s where the issues can start.

Zhougzhoug · 17/04/2023 12:51

In my circles that would be average to top end of average, doesn't sound excessive.

potatowhale · 17/04/2023 12:53

It's his liver - he can decide if he wants a "liver break"

Delatron · 17/04/2023 12:54

It doesn’t sound like a problem. And if you try and control it then that is the problem. It’s recommended to have 3 days off - he does that. He can clearly stop if some nights he has half a bottle of wine.

Overall for health obviously a bit less would be ideal. But the weekly units is an arbitrary number and varies wildly from country to country.

If you’re teetotal it sounds a lot. But perspective is skewed and teetotalers are not the healthiest group. Perplexingly moderate drinkers are.

Lots of people like to let their hair down on holiday. Just let it go. He’s an adult and it doesn’t affect you.

Delatron · 17/04/2023 12:57

And unless it’s an alarming amount you shouldn’t be monitoring his intake. I could not tell you how much my DH drinks because I don’t tot it up. It’s not much and he has lots of days off. If suddenly he started drinking every night and upped the
volume I might check in with him to see if he was ok.

Frabbits · 17/04/2023 13:02

If he is drinking say 3-4 bottles of wine a week + beer than yes, he has a problem. That's around 40 units/week which is a lot. Having the odd day off doesn't change that.

mudonmyslipers · 17/04/2023 13:16

If it's half a bottle of wine 4 times a week, that's not that bad. The 'unit police' will remind you it's over the recommended units but it's not horrendous.

4 bottles of wine a week though is heading up to 40-50 units a week and eventually that's likely to have an impact on health. I know because at one point I was drinking between 30-50 units and I'm sure that contributed to high blood pressure. I've now cut it right back and will have a couple of glasses a week and I'm fine with that. I no longer feel the need to finish off the bottle and open a second. I don't think I was alcohol addicted but I had fallen into bad habits. The Drinkaware app was really helpful for me. I was really honest with my consumption and just knowing some weeks I was in the 'red zone' was enough to make me stop.

Ultimately if it's negatively impacting health or relationships then it needs to be talked about.

theGooHasGone · 17/04/2023 13:19

The most modern studies and science will tell you that drinking anything is worse for you than not drinking at all. At the same time, it's not really your business how much he chooses to drink as long as it isn't making him abusive, difficult, unable to function, etc. Some people just like to drink more than others.

Trysbutfails · 17/04/2023 13:34

For long term health it’s more than ideal. Though in terms of how much (if any) control you have over his drinking, it depends whether it impacts his behaviour. Does having six drinks on the flight mean he’s less pleasant to be around, less sensible, less responsible for his actions? Or is he one of those people who can have six drinks and not behave very differently?

If six drinks later he’s boorish and leaving you to sort out the taxi from the airport then that’s not on. Otherwise it’s really up to him, though you might gently suggest he might want to think about his long term health (though probably not a conversation for a holiday!)

GasPanic · 17/04/2023 13:43

It's not a huge amount, but it is a platform that you could move forwards from to unhealthy drinking.

The question is more about attitude towards drinking than how much he drinks at the moment. If the attitude is, I'm on holiday, I'm going to drink this week and then cut back afterwards, or I've been caning it over Xmas, I'm going to do Dry January then to me it shows someone who actually acknowledges drinking can become a problem and is thinking about how much they are doing and the impact it may have on them.

If it's just, I'm going to drink whatever I want whenever I want then it shows a lack of awareness or willingness to acknowledge that it may become a problem in the future - this is something to be more worried about IMO.

IrregularChoiceFan · 17/04/2023 13:55

I hardly drink from one month to the next but if I was flying business class (assuming I was not responsible for kids) I would probably have 6 drinks too! And I drink a couple of cocktails and some beers each day/night when on holiday (again, this would be pre-kids) so I don't think it's too much.

His normal drinking reflects what most of my friends do so again, doesn't seem like too much, maybe upper end of normal. It would be a lot in my house but we don't really enjoy wine and cocktails each night would be a bit ott so we both stick to diet coke (which is probably worse🤣🤣)

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2023 13:59

yabu

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