To be this upset about a school place

[cdoth]

Been in tears since I found out my DS didn't get offered a place at the school I applied for.

For background - he has significant speech delay and is on the pathway for an autism diagnosis. He is currently at the nursery of the school we put as our first choice, he is really settled there and they have been fantastic with regards to his SEN. They are helping us to gather as much evidence as possible for his EHCP. The school is also the closest one to us.

I am distraught with worry for what the future holds for him now having to go to a completely new school. I can't stop crying because this seems so unfair for him. He is not good with new places/people, when he started his current nursery last year it took weeks for him to settle in because he was so upset. And for him to have to go through that again genuinely breaks my heart.

I know we can appeal but I don't feel hopeful. Has anybody else been in the same situation? I just don't know where to go from here now.

No advice but wanted to offer a handhold. And also hope that the place that will be best for him is just around the corner.

I don’t know what’s up with you. Seriously I don’t. We can all wax lyrical about the hideous shortage of EP and OTs, and how shit the advice is once you get it, and how almost every plan needs to be rewritten because F doesn’t match B and the provision is to cock. We know this stuff inside out.

But this parent is at the beginning and digging in hard and fighting NOW is going to save the shitty learning curve we all go on. And it IS possible to have 11th hour placement changes, and the sooner this is all under way the better.

And you think telling parents apply today and all we be sorted is remotely helpful?

You think if someone hadn’t given the OP actual real advice months ago this couldn’t all have been avoided?

Pie in the sky nonsense helps no one. No one.

What’s the other school like in terms of SEN support ?

I didn’t say it would all be sorted. Could you show me where I did? She needs to get the appplication in now.

Right here. That should be in time for September.

If the op applied today it would need to be issued early for September. That is not the likely scenario.

Can you get some supporting letters from the health professionals, maybe also contact your local councillor who might have a contact?

Have you visited the school you’ve got the place at? If not I would do that asap and see how you feel about it. On paper it might not be what you want but you might get there and like the atmosphere, like the teachers and be impressed by the Senco.

Find out where you are on the waiting list for the preferred school but you need to start preparing for the school given. Talk to nursery about preparing dc, talk to the senco about dc needs and how nursery meet them, ask their advice about preparing your son.

You never know it might turn out a better fit for him long term.

It would need to be either issued early or the placement agreed in advance of issue, which for mainstream is doable and I know this because I have DONE IT.

And even if they stuck to timescales it would just mean potentially a late start to the term.

You will get the school if you name it on the EHCP providing they don't say they can't meet needs (and even then they can be forced to take you). You need to get an EHCP request in now. Google 'IPSEA model letter 1' for the template. Then be prepared to appeal as and when necessary.
I would personally look to see if you can delay your child's start - ideally defer for a whole year.

Ok I'm going to try and be positive but also realistic.

1. The change to ANY new school was going to be disruptive to your son. The chances are that he would struggle with even your first choice.
2. You NEED to be positive about the school he has been allocated no matter what. Your son will pick up on and feed on your anxiety if you don't get your head together on this quickly. DO NOT let him see you upset over this or overhear any conversations about how disappointed you are.
3. You got your second choice school - so it can't be the worst outcome. It is still only street away from you. So its not a bad outcome. Its just not the one you wanted
4. If the school are saying its that over subscribed then, there could be a number of other children with SEN needs who have have their needs taken into consideration. Its better for them and for you to be spread over a number of schools in mainstream education. This way you all get the best provision in mainstream. If you have a child with significant SEN needs you only want to be in a class with lots of other kids with SEN needs if its a specialist school with a much lower teacher to pupil ratio - even accounting for the fact you have a one to one now. In mainstream if you are in a class with lots of kids with SEN needs you can end up with a situation where they are almost competing with each other or they have clashing additional needs (we have this situation in DS's class currently and its not a good mix).
5. You need to find out what the SEN provision is like at the school you have been allocated. You are not going to be able to contest your allocation if you don't do this, because your grounds will be on the basis of the allocation being in the best interests of your child. If they have an all swinging all dancing award winning SEN provision that specialises in your sons needs, and you are trying to appeal on the grounds that your son is used to the school hes at and doesn't like change and may have to make new friends, thats not a strong case to win. Instead of getting upset, get proactive - as the parent of a SEN child, this is where you need to start doing the stepping up.
6. Parent of a SEN kid - you are going to have to learn the system, understand when to fight it and when it works for you. You have to parent twice as hard and be more present than the average parent. Don't expect the system to carry you through this. It won't. I also genuinely think that disruption to education with a SEN kid is probably worth getting used to in a way - if your son is having as many problems as it sounds, you might well find that mainstream isn't necessarily going to work for you. You need to keep this on your radar and consider alternatives if this does happen. Going into reception with the mindset that he's definitely going to be able to cope if he's in the school you want isn't necessarily helpful.
7. What I am noticing her, is how you have been unable to cope with something not going to plan. This level of getting upset suggests you have issues too and are also rather rigid in your thinking. This is relevant - are you autist too? This may well be about YOUR inability to cope with things if they aren't as you planned rather than his inability to cope with a change of location. Are you separating the two out? With this in mind trying to talk to the school and get reassurance from them really might be in your interests as well as your sons. You seem to want to have a good relationship with them. Keep in mind though, that there is naturally a jump from nursery to reception which can be a shock to the system because you don't get the same level of feedback from staff to the one you are used to.
8. Talk to the school about what provisions they will be giving you - will there be a 1 to 1? Are they aware of where your sons application is? These questions give you that opportunity that I mention in point 7 to build a relationship with the new school.
9. The unknown twist factor in life - sometimes something not going the way you want is the very BEST thing that could happen in life - you just don't know it yet. You have written off this school, without giving it a chance and without going into this open minded. Its possible they could exceed your expectations. Your son might meet a friend who is really special etc etc.

Right now, you've got yourself into a right tizz over this. You need to step back, take a deep breathe and think about the following:

a) what EXACTLY is my son going to need next year? Is being in the same environment the top priority? Answer here is actually no - its the continuation of going for an EHCP and making sure it is progressing as it should, having adequate provision from day 1 - that means a one to one if possible and the school knowing where you currently are at. Its a LONG TERM plan, not simply a transition plan.
b) how likely an appeal is to succeed and whether you are better putting efforts into fighting for a place or ensuring the place you have will provide what your son needs. Learning now, which battles are the ones to fight is a good one to get to grips with early.
c) not getting too emotionally involved in this as a 'bad thing'. The truth is you simply don't know at this stage. You have to go into it with an open mind and a determination to make it work, whatever happens. Put your rational head on and start thinking about how to make practical things work rather than automatically going into disaster mode. What practical things can you do now? See point a).

Transition from nursery to reception I think isn't just a big deal for kids. I think a little of it is about parents needing to step back and start to let go to an extent and thats not easy. Regardless of your son's issues, preventing changing is impossible. It WILL happen. YOU need to be able to deal with that too in order to support him when things don't go to plan. And I think thats what YOU need to focus on most not him.

You getting upset is about YOU not coping, not him at this stage. How you prepare him is crucial, so you need to frame this a particular way over the next few weeks and months. You can do that in a really positive way, but you need to get your head in the right place.

It WILL be alright in the end, one way or another. Its just a little different to how you expected.

The nursery gave you very poor advice about the EHCP. You should apply yourself now.

Even if you request an EHCNA today you can’t rely on having an EHCP for the start of September. 20 weeks would be the beginning of September, it is unlikely to be issued early, and that is without having to appeal which many parents do, sometimes more than once.

The school could apply for high needs top up funding to provide 1:1 whilst awaiting a finalised EHCP, especially if the 1:1 funding is currently being provided by via early years inclusion funding.

The nursery gave you very poor advice about the EHCP. You should apply yourself now.

OP, if this is indeed true, thats an alarm bell for your first choice school. If the nursery connected to the school aren't giving you the right information at this stage, are they the right school for your son?

Keep this in your head.

Then talk to the other school about next steps for an EHCP if he does go there.

At that point, you may see things differently. And in either respect it will put you into a better position going into September regardless of which school your son ends up at.

I also think you need to look a little further into why you are so upset. It sounds like your DC has pretty significant needs if they are being picked up so early so perhaps you are also confronting that and grieving for a future you had planned.

It may well be the case that the school you wanted isn't suitable, and the sooner you find that out the better (hence meeting SENCOs, heads etc. now). You need to take a breath and start really looking at the local provision for a child like yours now and in the future. It will be much, much more disruptive (and can be very damaging) for your child to start at a school that can't meet their needs and then have to move.

It is hard work being the parent of a child with SEN and as another poster says you do need to 'put your hard hat on'. However, the earlier you face up to your child's challenges (although I appreciate this can be painful) and meet their needs, the better the outcome can be. Many, many of those of us with children with SEN also realise we may have similar traits/presentations and that is an interesting journey in itself.

It is true. OP didn’t need to delay applying and she could have applied herself. Sadly it isn’t unusual for nurseries and schools to give incorrect advice about EHCPs.

Echoing this, and the post after.

You cannot agree a placement in an over subscribed school. Also unlawful. Normal admission rules would apply.

Can’t meet need is not a lawful reason for the LA to not name the school.

I would also say it was a red flag that you weren't encouraged to apply for a needs assessment. Some schools may quietly discourage applying for an EHCP so they can avoid putting in place the (expensive) support. I would honestly question whether your chosen school is the right one.

So much useful advice, I'm extremely grateful for everything posted here. I need to get myself together for the sake of my son and be as positive as possible as well being realistic. I know there is the option of the appeal but how likely we are to win that is very small. It seems to me as though the nursery he is at now has put off starting off the EHCP due to cost as well as the fact that they knew it was unlikely he would be offered a reception place in September. The fact we have been given wrong guidance regarding the EHCP is now making me question whether or not it is the right setting for him to be in. I will be proactive from now and start asking to meet with the SENCO at the new school to get the ball rolling on a plan for him to transition.

I'm hoping this will actually turn out to be the best thing for him 🤞🏻

Absolutely this.

There are lots of red flags here.

We were never even told that we ourselves could apply for the EHCP. We genuinely thought this was for the school to do, they knew before he started he had additional needs, he has been there since September and still no progress made with it

OP, I have a feeling this thread may be getting to much for you- it would have been for me in your shoes.

Don’t worry about the posters arguing back and forth over the legality of placements/assessments/timelines because that’s too high level to be practically useful to you right now.

Right now, do you have a supportive DP or mum or sibling who can sit with you tonight and help you make a practical plan to address this?

It is horrid worrying about the future for your DC whether that’s transition to primary school or something later on. It’s something we went through, even though we had an ehcp in place, as school after school said nasty things to put us off naming them in DC’s ehcp. The worst though were the schools who talked a good talk in person but then refused the place anyway when the paperwork was complete. We ended up in our second choice school after our first choice pulled that dirty trick and we hadn’t the heart to force the issue. The thing is that in the end the second choice school were amazing and we can’t praise them highly enough.

I sincerely hope things work out just as well for you xx

Appeal! I had the same with my son years ago and took it uk appeal on hhe same basis. I sat down, the panel basically said that I had to prove they were wrong.....so I did! And won 💐

Sorry to cross post, glad it has been helpful and not overwhelming!