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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter prefers dad

54 replies

EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:15

my Daughter turned two last month and for months now has shown a real preference for her dad. I work PT and when we’re just together it’s ok (although she often asks where he is). When it’s all of us she loves cuddling and climbing on her dad while saying things like ‘I want to bite/pinch mummy’. On the occasions that she’s actually tried to hurt me I’ve stopped her and said that I can’t let her hurt me but that I’m here. She then immediately wants a cuddle from her dad.

I really just don’t see how to make it better and can’t help but feel it’s something I’ve done/not done. Everything I’ve read is of mums saying the opposite, that their baby only wants them, which kind of makes me feel even worse! Has anyone had something like this?

OP posts:
IrregularChoiceFan · 16/04/2023 11:22

My son went through the same stage around 2, i think its quite normal. Maybe not the biting/hurting bit but absolutely wanting daddy all the time. Now he's 3 and is my shadow, I feel silly for being upset when I would give anything for him to want his dad just for 10 mins 🤣🤣

I think it just goes in circles, sometimes it's your turn, other times it's dad's.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 11:23

It's totally normal and tends to go in cycles - you'll be the favourite again soon!

Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:28

Thanks for your reply. How long did it go on for? I feel so upset by it now and that I’ve tried for so long to be ok with it but I can’t anymore!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 16/04/2023 11:29

I preferred my dad for most of my childhood even though my mother did absolutely everything for me. I even remember being a child and saying in front of her "I love dad more because hes so great, so this, so that.." and her just nodding.
I listened to him more than her and would tell her I hated her if she annoyed me but never him.
I think its because he wasn't around as much as she was, he worked full time, her part time.
She did most of the discipline. He was tired from a hard job and wanted an easy life so didn't give out to us as much.

MatildaTheCat · 16/04/2023 11:31

Very normal. Does daddy do much of the routine and dull stuff or is he more fun and cuddles? Make sure he does his share of proper parenting and make yourself available for fun stuff. It might help. Then again, at 2 it might not!

Notimeforaname · 16/04/2023 11:32

And by give out, I mean told us to eat our vegetables and stop acting like little shits.

Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:33

I just don’t get how people can just take it! I mean, I do, but I want to cry and often do when I’m not with her. It’s an awful feeling.

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 16/04/2023 11:33

Can you ask dad to condone the biting and other negative behaviour towards you?

Bigpinktrain · 16/04/2023 11:35

Dad can step in and gently encourage her to be kind to mommy, he should definitely be helping to stop the biting!

Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:38

Hi, so yeah so I stop her and she cries and then goes to daddy and he says it’s not ok, and that we need to be nice to mummy. But she wants him and a cuddle and neither of us think he should withhold it from her. It’s just everything I’ve read about biting etc. is that then they want a cuddle from the one on the receiving end. So it makes me think she really does actually not like me!

we do lots together, we read and go to the park and groups etc. it’s just she doesn’t want to show me any affection. And if she’s sick she wants her dad. Basically, all the things I’d associate with a mum. So I just can’t help but think it’s a sign of something bigger, like I’m just a bit shit!

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 16/04/2023 11:40

I think you should make sure there's an even split of looking after and fun stuff - you don't want to be the parent who does all the work while dad does all the playing.
I remember someone saying kids test their parents love and want to know yours is unconditional. I really feel for you, it must be so hard

Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:41

Tbf, he does do a lot when he’s around. That’s again why I worry it’s more about me than him. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 16/04/2023 11:46

Please don’t worry! Lots of kids go through this stage.

When she goes to Daddy for a cuddle, could he suggest a group hug (that perhaps ends up with head kisses, tickles etc)?

You aren’t a rubbish mum- she’s unconsciously testing your boundaries- it’s not personal (although it feels that way!).

ImAvingOops · 16/04/2023 11:47

Just to add, I do remember being a bit like this with my mum - the more she wanted affection, the less I wanted to give it. I think I wanted to be the one who decided to give affection, so maybe let her come to you and don't push her to show love, difficult though that is.

thespottedunicorn · 16/04/2023 11:50

We always let our children choose which parent they wanted with them for something stressful like a doctor's visit. With one of our children, it was always his dad. I didn't mind a bit. My son is now in his thirties and married with two kids and he still adores his dad. I never felt hurt or pushed out and I might have made them feel awkward if I commented. So often mothers on MN describe daughters as being a mini -me or a Mummy's girl and I often wonder how it must feel to be the Dad. It is great they have such a positive relationship.

TwoManyKids · 16/04/2023 11:51

EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:33

I just don’t get how people can just take it! I mean, I do, but I want to cry and often do when I’m not with her. It’s an awful feeling.

You cry because you miss her when you are not together?

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 16/04/2023 11:57

It may be that she feels more comfortable and confident testing boundaries, exploring her "power over" with you, because that basic, undergirding trust is so solid. Whereas with her dad she's still building the foundation, lots of affection and more constant reassurance. Winnicott says a child needs to "destroy" their mother (metaphorically) to become their true self and if their mother can "survive" it loving them consistently and firmly the child won't have to build a false, pleasing self.

Sounds like it is awfully difficult for you, it's a big change from baby stage. But I think your daughter needs you just as much as ever.

MrsTopaz · 16/04/2023 11:58

Both of mine went through this phase, like hero worship… and I totally get it as I think he’s great too. I remember the sting though when I felt rejected. The good news is it’s not forever, and they do love you, it’ll swing back the other way soon-hang in there and they’ll be demanding you do all the bedtime stories before you know it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 12:00

EAEO · 16/04/2023 11:33

I just don’t get how people can just take it! I mean, I do, but I want to cry and often do when I’m not with her. It’s an awful feeling.

You're acting like your toddler is behaving maliciously.

She's not - she's two. They go through all sorts of phases at that age - it's just part of them growing up and figuring out their relationships and the world around them.

It's not personal.

Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 12:03

Sorry, I mean, I want to cry because it’s horrible being pushed away literally every day

OP posts:
Mischance · 16/04/2023 12:04

I really do think it is a phase and that things will change. I have 3 DDs and when small they adored their Dad and were all over him - in spite of all his failings, which I did not point out to them! It changed as time went on.

Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 12:07

I think this is wonderful and I do, of course feel extremely grateful that my daughter has such a great relationship with her dad. But personally, I find it very difficult to be pushed away. I suppose people are quite different so whilst it was easy for you, it’s a real challenge for me. I’d like to stress that we do give her choices, all I’m saying is that I feel very sad about it and worry that her always choosing her father over me says something about me and the relationship at large

OP posts:
Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 12:10

I don’t think it’s malicious of her at all. I worry that I’m doing something wrong and that there’s a reason she doesn’t want to show me affection. It’s really sad if it’s come across that way as it’s not at all what I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
EAEO · 16/04/2023 12:12

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 12:00

You're acting like your toddler is behaving maliciously.

She's not - she's two. They go through all sorts of phases at that age - it's just part of them growing up and figuring out their relationships and the world around them.

It's not personal.

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s malicious of her at all. I worry that I’m doing something wrong and that there’s a reason she doesn’t want to show me affection. It’s really sad if it’s come across that way as it’s not at all what I mean

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 16/04/2023 12:13

Completely normal (tbh I think most daughters prefer their dads), I remember my daughter telling me she didn't want me to go sports day etc- only daddy. Just remember it's a stage and don't take it personally.

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