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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Enabling tight sibling

67 replies

bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 22:55

My sibling lives in a rented room with shared facilities out of choice. I own my house (mortgaged) with DP.

Sibling, DP and I all earn £65-70k but my household has double the income.

Our parents have gifted us both big sums of money. All my money went to my house. Sibling has 6 figures in cash in the bank.

Sibling lives closer to me than parents. Sibling does not have any additional needs.

My AIBU is that my parents expect me to take care of sibling in a weird way.

  1. No privacy in shared house, invite sibling over the weekend to your house.
  2. Invite sibling to use a special feature of your home.
  3. Buy sibling takeaway a few times and ask to deliver at shared accommodation.
  4. Buy sibling this item of clothing.
  5. the list goes on...

Sibling is very tight - happily lives off pot noodles and sandwiches.

I accepted money off parents so I feel like I cannot say no when they ask for little things.

DP says that I am enabling sibling and it has become an issue of my energy and time more than money.

What should I do?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 15/04/2023 22:57

Stop enabling him - he has chosen his living situation. Don't accept any further money from your parents, so they can't keep holding it over you.

TomeTome · 15/04/2023 22:58

You ask them to sort out the clothes and takeaways themselves if they want to. You have your sibling round to your home every other month and they reciprocate by inviting you to something and “hosting”.

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/04/2023 22:59

Stop doing the things you think your sibling is capable of managing themselves.

Original poster
bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:01

If I don't do this for sibling, I'm labelled as mean and self centred. Mother will cut off contact with me for sure.

OP posts:
SherlocksDeerstalker · 15/04/2023 23:02

Say ‘thank you for the suggestion, I’ll definitely consider it’ every time they ask you to do something for sibling. Then don’t.

Original poster
bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:02

TomeTome · 15/04/2023 22:58

You ask them to sort out the clothes and takeaways themselves if they want to. You have your sibling round to your home every other month and they reciprocate by inviting you to something and “hosting”.

Sibling will never host, makes up excuses that can't have people over at shared accommodation due to landlord rules. I don't believe this.

OP posts:
Minierme · 15/04/2023 23:02

I’m guessing sibling is a brother and you are female?
I think there is often this expectation of daughters caring for their brothers but rarely does it seem to go the other way around.
Personally I’d invite them round for a meal every couple of weeks (just whatever you would be having anyway). If they are lonely, they know you are there but I wouldn’t spend loads of money on them that they could easily spend on themselves.

Original poster
bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:03

SherlocksDeerstalker · 15/04/2023 23:02

Say ‘thank you for the suggestion, I’ll definitely consider it’ every time they ask you to do something for sibling. Then don’t.

This is such a good answer!!! 😂 I will try this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2023 23:04

bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:01

If I don't do this for sibling, I'm labelled as mean and self centred. Mother will cut off contact with me for sure.

Oh well. Let her cut you off. Stop pandering to this utter bullshit.

Original poster
bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:05

Minierme · 15/04/2023 23:02

I’m guessing sibling is a brother and you are female?
I think there is often this expectation of daughters caring for their brothers but rarely does it seem to go the other way around.
Personally I’d invite them round for a meal every couple of weeks (just whatever you would be having anyway). If they are lonely, they know you are there but I wouldn’t spend loads of money on them that they could easily spend on themselves.

You guess right.

I don't mind treating friends and family who are less well off. But I hate spending money on someone who can afford the same on their own. And who never reciprocate.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 15/04/2023 23:07

I have a similar sibling. It’s embarrassing. Do what YOU want and nothing more or less.

OrigamiOwls · 15/04/2023 23:08

Is it such a terrible thing if your mum cuts contact over something so small?
If she does she's the one with the issue.

Original poster
bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:08

TomeTome · 15/04/2023 23:07

I have a similar sibling. It’s embarrassing. Do what YOU want and nothing more or less.

what do you do? Enable or not?

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 15/04/2023 23:09

This sounds really weird behaviour by your parents, why can't they buy clothes and takeaways if they want to? I would put a stop to this. If you don't feel able to say no outright could you make up an excuse eg your house is infested with wasps and you can't possibly host? You can keep it going for a few months with repeat infestations and needing to have environmental health round ...

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2023 23:11

Sorry, op, but this is all just so ridiculous and you're the one allowing it all. Tell your mother is butt the fuck out and NO, you will not be buying a fucking thing for your brother. Simply refuse to engage in any conversation about this, ever. It really is time to grow a backbone. You can't possibly be happy living with this dynamic.

TomeTome · 15/04/2023 23:13

I invite them occasionally when I feel loving and listen to how unkind I am when I don’t. Nobody has died of disappointment in me and sibling has found other sources to tap.

Gymnopedie · 15/04/2023 23:14

DP says that I am enabling sibling and it has become an issue of my energy and time more than money.

I agree with your DP. They gave you some money but they didn't buy your soul.

From what you've written it sounds like your brother is actually quite happy living as he does. You say he's tight, maybe he is genuinely a miser, and takes his pleasure thinking about all that money sitting in the bank. So is it your brother wanting these things or your parents?

If he doesn't want to entertain that's a valid choice for him to make. Maybe he also prefers being on his own. But you don't have to facilitate his general life or his social life.

If I don't do this for sibling, I'm labelled as mean and self centred. Mother will cut off contact with me for sure.

How much of a loss would that be? Three fifths of five eighths of sweet FA by the sound of it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/04/2023 23:14

Why are you supposed to buy your brother clothes when he earns good money? Can't you just say oh he's got enough money don't worry, he'll get himself something if he wants it.

livingoncoffeeeee · 15/04/2023 23:24

Sorry if this way off track OP, but is your mother a narcissist? If she's willing to cut you off for standing up for yourself and encourages your sibling to take advantage of you then that's no real loss in my book.

TomeTome · 15/04/2023 23:26

If she's willing to cut you off for standing up for yourself and encourages your sibling to take advantage of you then that's no real loss in my book.

Even not on your side mothers are your mum. I don’t understand this kind of thing.

mainsfed · 15/04/2023 23:32

bonnevivante · 15/04/2023 23:01

If I don't do this for sibling, I'm labelled as mean and self centred. Mother will cut off contact with me for sure.

Sounds like they are gearing up to leave their house to your brother.

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 23:33

How confident are you really that your sibling has no additional needs?
Hoards money, can't buy own clothes, has no social life beyond family, has very restricted diet, no partner or kids.
Sounds spectrummy to me. Is he a computer programmer? works with data not people? somewhere he can be high functioning and career successful but can't hold the rest of his life together?
Just a thought.

Cornishclio · 15/04/2023 23:34

No you should not follow your parents requests. If they are that bothered let them sort out your sibling. Point out it is his/her choice how they live and they have the money to buy the stuff but just don't want to spend it. Not your business or responsibility to provide for him or her. As they gifted the same to both of you I cannot see why they think it is your problem if he does not get takeaways or buy his own clothes. How weird.

If your mum chooses to cut off contact that is her decision.

livingoncoffeeeee · 15/04/2023 23:39

TomeTome · 15/04/2023 23:26

If she's willing to cut you off for standing up for yourself and encourages your sibling to take advantage of you then that's no real loss in my book.

Even not on your side mothers are your mum. I don’t understand this kind of thing.

I'm glad that you are able to feel this way @tometome, it means you had a mother who showed you unconditional love and did all the things a mother is supposed to do, not all of us are that lucky 😕

FastnetLundyRockall · 15/04/2023 23:41

The next time they perhaps you could ask why? Why would I do that / buy him clothes / order a takeaway? It would be interesting to see them try to justify their reasoning

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