Enabling tight sibling

[bonnevivante]

My sibling lives in a rented room with shared facilities out of choice. I own my house (mortgaged) with DP.

Sibling, DP and I all earn £65-70k but my household has double the income.

Our parents have gifted us both big sums of money. All my money went to my house. Sibling has 6 figures in cash in the bank.

Sibling lives closer to me than parents. Sibling does not have any additional needs.

My AIBU is that my parents expect me to take care of sibling in a weird way.

1. No privacy in shared house, invite sibling over the weekend to your house.
2. Invite sibling to use a special feature of your home.
3. Buy sibling takeaway a few times and ask to deliver at shared accommodation.
4. Buy sibling this item of clothing.
5. the list goes on...

Sibling is very tight - happily lives off pot noodles and sandwiches.

I accepted money off parents so I feel like I cannot say no when they ask for little things.

DP says that I am enabling sibling and it has become an issue of my energy and time more than money.

What should I do?

Surely if your mother is that bothered she’d be doing all of this?

Sibling is an adult and can their own life decisions.

I think I would happily go NC with your mother if she is so determined to control how you live your life with regards to your brother.

Strategic incompetence is your friend here. It has served many generations of men very well.

Buy sibling clothes that are too small/big. Buy styles you know they don't like.
Order the wrong takeaways (really hot curries, for example). Or pretend you've become a health nut and order them rabbit food.
Do you have DC? If so, when sibling comes over to your house, make them bake cupcakes with and generally look after your progeny. Get said progeny to be as irritating as possible.
When they come over, talk at them at length on very boring/embarrassing subjects.
Got some DIY to do? Get the power tools out when they visit.
Say you've joined a political party, but your DH doesn't agree with your affiliations, so you'd like sibling to come doorstep campaigning with you.
Hint that your relationship is breaking down and you might need money for lawyers etc. from sibling in the near future.

Generally turn yourself into someone who can't be trusted to do anything right and who has AVOID, AVOID, AVOID scrawled across your forehead.

Soon it will be sibling who is expected to bring you food.

Every time they ask something of you, remind them that they gave him the same amount of money and ask them why you should do for him. If you can't do this then the only other option you have is to suck it up.

This is all about you and your DM so far. But what about your DB, is he directly asking you for all these favours? Does he know that your DM is doing this? Would he be mortified/embarrassed/feel this was all quite normal? This is a triangular relationship where the DB seems quite passive so it's really hard for other people to figure out.

On the surface, you mom is being very weird and unreasonable.

Does she have real reason to worry about your brother? Is she concerned that he lives off sandwiches and pot noodles? And getting you to organise a takeaway delivery means that he will eat something more nourishing?
Are her concerns valid or is she just babying her golden boy?

If the latter, I would do a mix of strategic incompetence as described by @goldbar above, and also start backing away and not doing as requested.

Has your brother anything to say in this?
Can you talk to him about it? Like, brother, mom has requested I buy you new jeans, why would she do that, were you very scruffy last time you saw her? Clean yourself up and don’t be worrying your mother…. (And don’t buy him the clothing)

Does he have any embarrassment about you mothering him? Or does he too expect it?

And also ‘yes mom’ and just not follow through.

What does your brother think about all this? X

Sorry I took so long to reply.

DB never asked for anything. It's always DM asking me to get stuff for him. DH says he would be embarrassed in DB's place.

DB hoards money. He happily accepts a meal if it means he spends less. It's really weird.

I confronted DM about the takeaways, saying he has so much money ask him to buy himself a takeaway. She says she is getting me to get it weekly so that he enjoys them and start getting so used to them that he eventually starts getting them himself.

Anyway, I'm putting a stop to it all. If DM asks again, I'll tell her it's just f** weird and I'm not doing it anymore.

Good then your mother can expect your useless sibling to look after them in old age whilst you enjoy your life with your family!

“I confronted DM about the takeaways, saying he has so much money ask him to buy himself a takeaway. She says she is getting me to get it weekly so that he enjoys them and start getting so used to them that he eventually starts getting them himself.”

That is one of the oddest things I’ve ever heard. Why does your brother need to get used to having a weekly takeaway?! A takeaway is not a life essential, in fact probably the opposite given they are often not especially healthy. Does your mother interfere in his and your life to this extreme level of detail on other things too?

Has it ever occurred to your parents that your sibling might be quite happy with his circumstances? He has obviously made choices not based on financial ability so I’d let him just carry on as he is.
PP’s suggestion of “I’ll definitely consider it…” seems like the right approach. Not confrontational and stops you having to do things you don’t want to do. It’s No reflection on how you feel about your sibling. I’m assuming he’s a grown up so doesn’t need someone assuming caring responsibilities for him anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good question. So, my brother cannot cook. His diet consists of frozen battered fish, frozen fish, pot noodles and cheese sandwiches - on repeat. DM thinks that he should be eating more meat and veg. The takeaways while not ideal are mainly grilled chicken and are probably healthier than what he is having.

I think he'd be better off with a multivitamin! Don't see what grilled chicken is adding. Frozen steamed veg packs would probably be the easiest addition if he wants to make a change.

Then suggest your mother teaches him to cook.
I would wave and smile - ok mother and ignore.

I accepted money off parents so I feel like I cannot say no when they ask for little things.

But so did he!

Have you spoken to your sibling? Mine was a bit like this (although not as bad) and improved massively after an easy chat. He's fundamentally a nice person, he was just a bit clueless and needed a steer on something he'd never been told he was doing wrong. I literally said that it's not the outcome that matters to us as much as the effort he makes and he started trying harder because he knew he wouldn't fail and it wasn't a waste of money showing his family he appreciated them.

Jeez.. this ain’t your first rodeo! 😂

I'd suggest to your mother that she gets your brother to invest in some cookery lessons for himself. Other than that don't engage in any conversations about enabling your brother financially.