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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH manchild

48 replies

Johil · 15/04/2023 21:20

Aibu to teach my DH how to not be a manchild? Do people believe men can actually permanently change?

OP posts:
YellowGreenBlue · 15/04/2023 21:24

Yes, my friend has "trained" her DH to take an equal role with household stuff. It took a few arguments but she got there in the end - he's really good now.

Singlemum90 · 15/04/2023 21:26

No, what would make you think you can change anyone?

In what way is he a man child? Are you a perfect wife? Marriage takes work from both parties, not trying to change the other.

VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:27

He already knows how. He's just choosing to stay a manchild. He probably could change, but does he want to?

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:29

@VintedoreBay i guess if I threatened him that I’d leave he probably would but do you think it would be permanent change? Or just a few years?

OP posts:
Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:34

Just usual stuff, not putting equal weight in with dcs, lazy etc etc

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Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:36

My bf said (suppose she’s right) I can’t afford to leave him as we both have to work to survive so I guess all I can do is threaten him with it and hope he changes!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/04/2023 21:37

Manchildren know exactly what they're doing.
They don't need help to change.
They could choose to do their fair share of they wanted to.
It's just convenient for them to not do it because they think their partner/spouse will clean up after them.

It's not our job as women to fix attitude problems of lazy, entitled men.

VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:38

Johil · 15/04/2023 21:29

@VintedoreBay i guess if I threatened him that I’d leave he probably would but do you think it would be permanent change? Or just a few years?

Why are you with someone that you want to change? Then, threatening to leave someone who isn't who you want them to be?

TBH it doesn't sound like you are suited to each other.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/04/2023 21:39

I wouldn't be ''teaching'' him anything, he's a grown man. I also wouldn't enable him.

He needs to step up or I'd end the marriage.

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:40

VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:38

Why are you with someone that you want to change? Then, threatening to leave someone who isn't who you want them to be?

TBH it doesn't sound like you are suited to each other.

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Can’t afford to leave him like I said before!

OP posts:
VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:41

Johil · 15/04/2023 21:40

Can’t afford to leave him like I said before!

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That's an excuse. It would be hard, but you'd manage. You already said you work so you aren't totally reliant on him at least!

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:41

We both need each other to survive. He wouldn’t want to leave me as he’d end up at his mums or would have to rent. I couldn’t afford the mortgage on my own!

OP posts:
Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:42

VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:41

That's an excuse. It would be hard, but you'd manage. You already said you work so you aren't totally reliant on him at least!

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I do work but my wage is low (lower than his)!

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Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:44

He’s a carpenter I’m a receptionist!

OP posts:
AFineBalance · 15/04/2023 21:45

I think you can definitely ask him to bring his best self to relationship

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:45

AFineBalance · 15/04/2023 21:45

I think you can definitely ask him to bring his best self to relationship

But do you think the behaviour will last?

OP posts:
VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:47

Johil · 15/04/2023 21:45

But do you think the behaviour will last?

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Not unless he wants it to.

How's your communication with each other?

Windingdown · 15/04/2023 21:47

Has he already changed or was he like he is now when you married him and had children with him?

People can change, but only if they want to.

KILM · 15/04/2023 21:47

I mean, isn't he getting the hint with you not having sex with him because you feel more like his mum or his cleaner... sorry you're dealing with this OP. Stop doing anything for him. Or for his family.

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:50

VintedoreBay · 15/04/2023 21:47

Not unless he wants it to.

How's your communication with each other?

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It’s ok, we’ve had counselling twice before.

OP posts:
Pandyluna · 15/04/2023 21:51

He doesn’t do it because he doesn’t care, he values other things more than he values putting in his fair share at home with you and the children. I’m not sure if you can change that, I sure as hell wouldn’t be putting up with it

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:53

Pandyluna · 15/04/2023 21:51

He doesn’t do it because he doesn’t care, he values other things more than he values putting in his fair share at home with you and the children. I’m not sure if you can change that, I sure as hell wouldn’t be putting up with it

My friend did it (threatened her husband after she caught him doing something bad, don’t want to out) and he changed and this was a few years ago now!

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 15/04/2023 21:55

My DH had no idea how to do domestic tasks when we moved in together. He went straight from his mum's to mine.
He was really keen to learn though so he did.
He needs to want to do it. You can't really train him if he's not interested in learning and being a fair, contributing partner.
He needs to acknowledge he's a grown up man now.
He should already know it's not fair to expect your partner to be your new mummy.

Windingdown · 15/04/2023 21:57

I'm still wondering if the OP has been quite happy with this up until now.

Original poster
Johil · 15/04/2023 21:59

@Windingdown what do u mean?

OP posts: