DH manchild

[Johil]

Aibu to teach my DH how to not be a manchild? Do people believe men can actually permanently change?

Well you're married and have children, so you've obviously been together some time. Has he always been lazy and not pulled his weight and if so why are you only feeling like you want to tackle this now.

Men can transition but they can never change.

Always been unhappy but just fed up of it now, it’s been over 10 years of this sh*

What does that mean

So have you discussed it with him in the last 10 years and has he changed as a result?

“A few years” is optimistic in my opinion. You might be able to force a temporary change through a threat of leaving. Most people aren’t capable of long term, permanent change.
What might work is a clear division of tasks with his agreement. You are responsible for a, b and c. I’m going to do 1, 2 and 3. If you have the energy to persevere with him rather then cut your losses.

It depends.
How long has he been like this?

If he’s always been like this then he’ll never change (or change for a few weeks then change back).

Or it’s a new behaviour and he’s more than capable of change but he just doesn’t want to.

Can you give some more examples?
From what you’ve said I would not put up with this and I’d be sorting my finances so I can leave.

Men like this are lazy and privately believe women are there to be their skivvies and nannies and are deeply inferior to them. So they don't care if they run you ragged or work you to the bone until you are sick, as long as they are happy and comfortable. He knows what he is doing to you and he does not give a shiny shit.

Can you present him with a list of weekly, fortnightly and monthly jobs then discuss together who will do which ones? (Example from Pinterest) Then you need to stick to it and do not do his tasks!

Use phone or Alexa reminders until routines are set in place rather than verbally telling each other you've forgotten a chore as this can lead to nagging or arguments.

Start with dividing it equally and potentially teaching him how to do a chore to the proper standard and go from there before suggesting an ultimatum.

In my experience it gets worse after having DC. Stbxh does less now than he did when we only had 1 DC.

I think people can change, but they have to see the issue themselves and really want it, they have to commit to it, it takes a long time and probably requires outside support too.

How does he respond when you talk to him about it? If he denies there's an issue or puts it back on you blaming nothing will ever change. You could stop doing anything directly for him, laundry, cook just for you and DC, leave his mess where it is. He might get the point, or like my stbxh he might react abusively. Stbxh has changed me, because of how much he's damaged my mental health. I can't say I can really afford to leave, I feel panic thinking about how we'll afford to live and where, but I definitely can't afford to stay and take anymore damage to my mental health and he's effecting our eldest DS mental health now too.

Interesting

Very

Sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like you are holding on with hope. Hope that things will change and he'll start to do more. I lived with hope for about 15 years, and then the resentment ate me up so much that it began affecting my mental health. No amount of asking made any difference. We've been separated for 2 years now. I still do it all, but at least I'm not watching him lie on the sofa while I'm doing it!

@hotpeppers
but he didn’t change mine has said he’ll try

Ok, that's more than mine did. So there is still hope! Good luck OP.

God this thread is depressing.

Why @CalistoNoSolo
what do u mean

You tied yourself to a useless lump by having children with him, you've been through 2 lots of marriage counselling which hasn't made a difference and you don't earn enough to support yourself if you split up. I find the whole thing depressing, and depressingly normal for many women on this site.

I wish The Female Dating Strategy Handbook was standard issue, say in year 11 at school.

Basically it says when dating, at the first sign of disrespect cut them loose. No need to 'teach' men how to be kind and respectful. They know, and when they don't behave in a decent way, it's because they don't want to. Dating is when they are on their best behaviour, and it goes downhill from there.

The mantra is to be self-sufficient and only have a man who makes your life better.

Absolutely hit the nail in the head but I am stuck!!!

@ThatFraggle
fantastic advice for ALL WOMEN

Fab

So far so good🤞