Are male role models really so vital?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I was talking with a friend who is not with the father of her ds - in fact the father is not involved at all. She was talking about how important it is for her ds to have positive male role models in his life. She is in a same sex relationship now and is cultivating relationships with various males from her extended family with her ds to ensure that her ds has these apparently vital positive role models.

I'm sure this is great but I wondered how important it actually is. My dfriend is going to quite some lengths to get it all in place in some of the cases and I wonder if it's worth it? I have two sons and they do see their df regularly but he's not that great of a role model (bit of a deadbeat dad, as they are increasingly aware as they get older) and they rarely see either grandfather and there are no other male family members. I also don't have close male friends that they see so the only males they really know are their df (not a role model) and teachers.

My conversation with my friend has got me wondering if I have been remiss in not paying more attention to this - I have been split from their df for about 10 years.

AIBU not to have addressed this?

There are loads of articles about exactly this online. Youths using gangs as a replacement for family they never had.

Theoretically a great idea and good luck with it. A big hole in the theory is the current male crisis and the subsequent dearth of males feeling confident right now; can't blame the 'poor buggers' really, and most good'ens have been grabbed already.

Of course it is

One of the few things I remember from my A level sociology is the proliferation of gang culture, young boys without male role models coming together to create their own.

Yes, of course they need good male and female role models, and outside of the detached position of teacher or football coach or whatever. It's not about macho bullshit, but especially boys and young men need to see how decent Men treat and interact with Women, and what healthy male relationships look like, be that romantic or family or friendships.

How else will they learn? You can tell them all day long but telling isn't the same as witnessing it for yourself.

Your friend is doing the right thing.

Agree with this...in some communities where there are predominantly single mother families, it may seem to young men as though most males similar to them are involved in gangs. Their mothers telling them not to is probably not going to have much effect. They probably don't see their teachers as being of the same background. They may not have opportunities for sports, scouts etc. You can see how a dad who provides a good example could make a big difference to some children in these situations. Similarly getting into football or a youth club might provide that role model for some.

For a single mother in a more mixed community, whose children have friends with dads living at home, attend scouts and sports clubs, see teachers as being from the same background as themselves, it probably matters less if their own dad isn't involved as they will see other male role models.

I grew up with a single mother and no real male influences in my life. Even my doctors and dentists were all female.

By the time I got my first male teacher in primary school at 10 I was a mix of petrified and unyielding and there was a whole load of professional involvement to try and get me over it.

It had affected me into adulthood. I 100% would have benefitted from positive male influence in my life as a child.

Good role models are vital, whether its the father, scout leader, sports coach or teacher.

Otherwise they will find their own role models which can be a major problem.

When my son was 15 it started to be apparent he could really use a positive male role model (his father passed away when he was six). I had a falling out with the person I though might fill this role.
It's an individual thing - my son had a few confidence shaking incidents and it would have gone a long way - a couple of the men he looked to as mentors also let him down. A father would have had his best interests at heart - these people did not.

The research is pretty interesting. I'll try to dig it out but basically it appears that the main issue with a lack of a male role model is financial. So all of the problems that you associate with absent fathers is pretty much undone if mum is financially stable on her own or has somebody else helping financially.

It strikes me as wrong that a loving stable dad can be replaced by cash. It certainly wouldn't have replaced mine!

My dd has not ever met her father and I have tried to encourage the relationship with her grandad and uncles. Luckily she also has had some brilliant male teachers east secondary school.

I do think good male role models are important, a good male role model for me is a man who is kind, a good father, generous, honest etc

@1Week I know it doesn't sit comfortably with me too. I like to think my own dad and my kids' dad is worth more than the sum of his wallet. I think what it was trying to say is that the biggest impact of an absent parent is that it can tip the family into poverty which then comes with many additional problems.

It probably more removes the other risk factors like having to grow up in areas with lots of dealers and gangs.

It’s very interesting.

My exh is a bit of a crap role model for ds in many ways - because he doesn’t behave in a reliable way in a lot of different respects. DS really seems to gravitate to my brother, for example, when we spend time with family, also has his (male) headteacher on a bit of a pedestal. So I’d say he’s looking for male role models.

If you don't have good role models, that is where the likes of Andrew Fucking Tait live and breathe.

Of course good role models of both sexes are essential to raise well rounded, functioning human beings.

I hear you. My truly excellent DH died when DS was 7, he’s now 14 and longing for his dad. He’s never badly behaved out of the house but I deal with a lot of meltdowns at home (ND at play also). My DD is having a much easier time (so far).

Nearly everyone who said they’d ‘be there’ haven’t, but our local church youth group is a literal Godsend.

I’m always being asked if I have sorted out male role models for DS. It does make me fed up because I’m pretty busy trying to earn a living and do absolutely everything at home. Feeding the family and taking the bins out does come higher up the list.

The emotional burden of widowed parenting is immense and there’s always someone lurking to make me feel that the massive amount I’m doing is not enough.

Children should be surrounded by good role models. Ideally, of both sexes. That's how they learn.

Emphasis on good though, that doesn't mean that any father is better than an useless or abusive or shit one . Or that getting a random bloke in the picture will suddenly improve a child's life. However, a constant presence of a decent,good man can help shape a child/young man into a decent , good man. Even if it's just to combat /balance outside influences, like mates, SM , pop culture etc. It's also good for boys to have someone they can relate to/identify with that is a positive influence in their lives. To have the kind of connection they might be missing and wanting.