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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming with my DSIS

34 replies

ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 16:22

Have name changed for this and will also try and change a few details as it's very outing.

There is only a couple of years age difference between me and sis. Our lives have turned out massively different. She chose bad partners from a young age, had DC very young, ended up on her own, doesn't work (well she will for a couple of weeks before stating that she hates working and would rather have time to do things she wants to do). I married my DH straight after uni, we have 3 DC and we both work full time. I'm only mentioning all of this as it's relevant for some of her views in what's happened.

Sis has 3 DC, one girl (19) and two boys (18, 16). DC 1 moved in with her BF about a year ago, very low contact with my sis. DC 2 (18) is a good kid, works hard, keeps his head down etc. I will admit that he can be a bit of a pain in the bum at home, swears, doesn't clean up after himself etc but pretty standard teenage stuff. He really butts heads with sis but is such a kind and considerate kid to everybody else. DC 3 is currently awaiting sentencing for juvenile detention due to constant crime.

Now she's decided to kick DC 2 out of the house. She said she can't cope with his constant arguing with her and she's sick of him. He can't afford to live on his own as his wages are pretty low. At a push he will have to find something and as a family we will help where we can.

DC3 is her golden child who despite being in so much trouble can do no wrong in her eyes. She has said she would keep him living with her forever if she could.

I am just so bloody angry about the situation. DC2 has been talking about how he feels suicidal etc which sis says is just him attention seeking. She didn't move out until in her mid twenties yet she expects her son to do this and be able to financially support himself. I just can't understand the lack of care and compassion! It's making me want absolutely nothing to do with her anymore. I feel so desperately sorry for my nephew.

Just to confirm I unfortunately am not in a position to offer him a place to stay long term, we have a very small house where our DC share a room already. I would happily let him stay on the sofa but we also live an hour away from where he currently works and his friends are so it wouldn't be a long time solution. I can probably help out financially but only about £100 a month max as we are living on the breadline ourselves at the moment. Luckily my DM is in a position where she could help much more financially so she's going to speak to him about it. It's not the money that's bothering me though, it's the fact that he feels so lonely and to be told to get out by your own mother is just disgusting!

Thank you if you made it to the end!!

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/04/2023 16:28

I'd make sure I kept in frequent contact with her 2 eldest children, help the 18yo as much as possible, and go NC with the sister.

Poor boy. Hope your Mum can help, can you research other help he could get? Charities, Church groups, His work?

yogaoga · 15/04/2023 16:30

YANBU the poor boy :( how can she turn her back on him like that. I don’t get it

Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 16:33

Thanks both. I will definitely research charities and look at what benefits he is entitled to. The poor kid can't even cook toast without burning it so god knows how he will cope on his own. She's recently met a new partner and has decided she's done with all her parenting now and wants a new life with him and his kids so that's what's bought this all on. I just don't understand how you could ever turn your back on your own children!

OP posts:
MumOfASuperSon · 15/04/2023 16:36

Your sister is a dick but in the long term has probably done your nephew a favour. The less time he spends in that toxic environment the better.

For now, I would get in contact with the council as he is homeless. Help and support him as much as you can. Call him every day and let him know he is loved despite your loser sisters actions. He will be ok.

FWIW, this happened to my sisters brother in
law. He was kicked out, sofa surfing, got very low, was seen in hospital due to suicidal thoughts but is now in a steady relationship, has a lovely home and has just welcomed his first child. He is a wonderful person and his idiot mother is now very lonely.

bellac11 · 15/04/2023 16:41

I would support him to look at sites like spareroom.com and similar sites, low or no deposit is often required for a single room or bedsit and then he could claim benefits to support with the rent if he is entitled and you say he is on a low income so he may well do. If he doesnt, then he hasnt got a massive rent to pay

He wont be prioritised for housing as a homeless single person and even if he is offered temporary accommodation it may well be miles away which could impact on his job.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 15/04/2023 16:42

Your sister sounds like poison. Her daughter is LC, her criminal teen is her golden child 🙄, and the poor one on the middle is being booted out to make space for her new boyfriend’s kids. Lovely.

Stay in touch with all the kids, be a constant in their life, keep an eye on him. Poor kid. Though he’s free from his useless witch of a mother at least.

Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 16:51

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes I unfortunately can't keep in contact with youngest DC. He carries a weapon constantly and sells class A drugs so I can't risk him being near to or involved with my DC at all. I am obviously in constant contact with the other two though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 16:59

@MumOfASuperSon so sorry that it happened to him to but it's lovely to hear that he is doing so well in his life now x

OP posts:
Mars27 · 15/04/2023 17:03

What a situation, so sorry for the boy.

Since living with you is not convenient and financial help is limited, try to give him practical help. First, he needs to speak to someone about feeling suicidal, so a trip to the GP for a mental health assessment is paramount. Some areas you can even self refer (although is a long wait). If things are really bad, some charities have helplines and can even provide some face to face sessions, Mind is one of them, if you go to their website you can search the one closest to his area.

Second, is that if his mum kicks him out he is homeless and can go to the council for housing. Of course he'll spend quite some time in a b&b, hostel and for such a young person it's not ideal. However, if he persists he can get secure housing. I've got a friend who lived 6 months in a hostel when she was pregnant and got a flat.

You're a good person and your resources are limited, you're doing what you can Flowers

Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 17:06

@Mars27 thank you that's good advice. I've asked if he wants to come and stay with us for a month whilst we work things out and hopefully I could then get him a gp appointment ect. I will wait and see what he says.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 17:11

Please, just go and get him, don't wait for an answer, he will probably feel like you don't really want to offer but have to ( not that that is the truth ) showing up physically will be such a positive impact for him.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/04/2023 17:13

Definitely go and get him

I'd be furious with her and would be telling her not to bother to come running when her latest relationship goes tits up.

Give him as much practical help as you can teach him to cook etc

What does your mum say?

Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 17:14

@TomatoSandwiches I'm currently just liaising with my DM as she may be in a better position to go and get him as she can take him to and from work everyday which i unfortunately can't. So we're just deciding which of us to go. We definitely won't be leaving him alone today

OP posts:
botheritsgone · 15/04/2023 17:19

You sound like a lovely aunt. Try and support him with his mental health and maybe teach him how to make some meals or help him with budgeting for food etc. it sounds like although hard just now, in the long run he might be better without his mum in his life.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 17:25

ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 17:14

@TomatoSandwiches I'm currently just liaising with my DM as she may be in a better position to go and get him as she can take him to and from work everyday which i unfortunately can't. So we're just deciding which of us to go. We definitely won't be leaving him alone today

Oh thank you, you are are a lovely aunt.

lightlypoached · 15/04/2023 17:30

Horrible situation.

It's good that your mum is going to help.

Even if you can't have him with you there are things you can do. For example you could teach him how to cook simple meals. Help him to plan and budget for food and bills.

Invite him over and cook things step by step and give him support love and encouragement along the way.

You can help in practical ways when he does find somewhere to live, by sourcing kitchen basics (fb marketplace/ freecycle), teaching him how to budget and apply for benefits.

Invite him over for dinner a couple of times a week (same day to give him certainty and stability).

Tell him that you love him. Tell him how proud you are if him.

Continue to be an excellent Aunty.

And if it were me I'd cut his mother out of my life. She doesn't deserve you.

Peachy2005 · 15/04/2023 17:32

I hope you can get him some counselling and he gets help realising he is probably far better off away from his mum in the long run. Great that he has you and your mum and hopefully his sister in his corner…good luck x

JudgeRudy · 15/04/2023 17:42

I often hear parents angry that their children have no respect for them. I wonder though in this case if this actually well placed and appropriate! Does he call her out on her behaviour? Sounds very much like someone blaming the reflection on the mirror.

Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 17:46

Thanks everyone. I will definitely be doing the ideas of teaching him how to cook, how to manage his bills etc. And I think the idea to invite him over for dinner a couple of times a week is good as it will give him some consistency.

@JudgeRudy to be honest the way she has spoken to all the DC growing up, swearing at them, belittling them, calling them names etc it really is no wonder that they swear at her and shout at her. It's all learned behaviour, but they would never speak to others in that way.

OP posts:
EstrellasPride · 15/04/2023 17:54

You and your family sound wonderful, your sister is a prick.

Nothing useful to add, just so sorry this has happened to him. Sister is deluded if she's still mollycoddling her weapon carrying class a drug dealing criminal 16 year old. Specially over an 18 year old who has his head down.

Backtobed · 15/04/2023 17:56

I know this will be a hard time and I'm glad he had you and your mum to help him through this, but honestly this is probably a blessing in disguise. He's better off out of that toxic environment and when he has no ties to her his life will improve massively.

Kennykenkencat · 15/04/2023 17:58

As logistically you live too far away from his work I would offer more practical help

Presumably your mum will help him out initially and to get him on his feet she might be able teach him some life skills like money management and a few staple dishes in the kitchen and help him to set himself up in a place of his own eventually

Regarding his mum I know it is going to sound completely out there but has she ever been tested for ADHD as the things she does and says are very similar to what my Aunt used to do and say (not regarding children as my aunt would do anything for her children and her children loved her)

Swap out the word DS2 for some thing else and you have my aunt down to a tee, The wording was exactly what my aunt used.
Could well be that ds3 has ADHD
25% of prisoners have ADHD and that is just the ones who have been diagnosed.

Kennykenkencat · 15/04/2023 18:00

Thanks everyone. I will definitely be doing the ideas of teaching him how to cook, how to manage his bills etc. And I think the idea to invite him over for dinner a couple of times a week is good.

Also the life hacks like free stuff on FBMP and Cashback and comparison sites
Getting cash back for using a comparison website

Original poster
ohboyohboyohboy · 15/04/2023 18:01

@Kennykenkencat DC3 has diagnosed ADHD. However that is part of the problem, she never put any boundaries or repercussions in place as she always said he couldn't help what he did because of his diagnosis.
We have ling suspected sis of having bipolar due to her behaviour. Even as a child she was horrid to live with and we all constantly walked on egg shells so as not to upset her.

OP posts:
Mars27 · 15/04/2023 18:04

Kennykenkencat · 15/04/2023 17:58

As logistically you live too far away from his work I would offer more practical help

Presumably your mum will help him out initially and to get him on his feet she might be able teach him some life skills like money management and a few staple dishes in the kitchen and help him to set himself up in a place of his own eventually

Regarding his mum I know it is going to sound completely out there but has she ever been tested for ADHD as the things she does and says are very similar to what my Aunt used to do and say (not regarding children as my aunt would do anything for her children and her children loved her)

Swap out the word DS2 for some thing else and you have my aunt down to a tee, The wording was exactly what my aunt used.
Could well be that ds3 has ADHD
25% of prisoners have ADHD and that is just the ones who have been diagnosed.

I have ADHD and I hate when people use that to excuse bad behaviour. I don't think this is an appropriate time to suggest ADHD assessments to the sister and criminal son. What the OP should and is doing is to help a young man who's been kicked out of his home for no good reason. Sister and criminal son can sort themselves out at their own pace if they like, they're not the OP's priority anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️