To be absolutely fuming with my DSIS

[ohboyohboyohboy]

Have name changed for this and will also try and change a few details as it's very outing.

There is only a couple of years age difference between me and sis. Our lives have turned out massively different. She chose bad partners from a young age, had DC very young, ended up on her own, doesn't work (well she will for a couple of weeks before stating that she hates working and would rather have time to do things she wants to do). I married my DH straight after uni, we have 3 DC and we both work full time. I'm only mentioning all of this as it's relevant for some of her views in what's happened.

Sis has 3 DC, one girl (19) and two boys (18, 16). DC 1 moved in with her BF about a year ago, very low contact with my sis. DC 2 (18) is a good kid, works hard, keeps his head down etc. I will admit that he can be a bit of a pain in the bum at home, swears, doesn't clean up after himself etc but pretty standard teenage stuff. He really butts heads with sis but is such a kind and considerate kid to everybody else. DC 3 is currently awaiting sentencing for juvenile detention due to constant crime.

Now she's decided to kick DC 2 out of the house. She said she can't cope with his constant arguing with her and she's sick of him. He can't afford to live on his own as his wages are pretty low. At a push he will have to find something and as a family we will help where we can.

DC3 is her golden child who despite being in so much trouble can do no wrong in her eyes. She has said she would keep him living with her forever if she could.

I am just so bloody angry about the situation. DC2 has been talking about how he feels suicidal etc which sis says is just him attention seeking. She didn't move out until in her mid twenties yet she expects her son to do this and be able to financially support himself. I just can't understand the lack of care and compassion! It's making me want absolutely nothing to do with her anymore. I feel so desperately sorry for my nephew.

Just to confirm I unfortunately am not in a position to offer him a place to stay long term, we have a very small house where our DC share a room already. I would happily let him stay on the sofa but we also live an hour away from where he currently works and his friends are so it wouldn't be a long time solution. I can probably help out financially but only about £100 a month max as we are living on the breadline ourselves at the moment. Luckily my DM is in a position where she could help much more financially so she's going to speak to him about it. It's not the money that's bothering me though, it's the fact that he feels so lonely and to be told to get out by your own mother is just disgusting!

Thank you if you made it to the end!!

@Mars27 I hope I didn't offend you. I was in no way suggesting that DC3 is a criminal because of having ADHD. I just meant that my sister has always used his diagnosis as an excuse for absolutely everything he's ever done, one of his crimes is holding somebody at knifepoint and even that she has managed to say is because he has adhd rather than just admitting that he is a criminal.

No, absolutely not, you didn't offend me at all. Stay strong x

I only suggested ADHD as the words sister used were the exact same ones if you replaced ds2 with some thing else.

My aunt has been known to roll her cars into a river, take her new stereo to the tip and moved house (She actually owned her own house and rented a house in a really dodgy area to feel alive. Children came home from school and found a virtually empty house) She always said she couldn’t cope with and was sick of what ever was boring her at that moment

ohboyohboyohboy Given dc3 has been diagnosed with ADHD does he take meds because I know what Ds is like without meds and with meds he is so much happier. His behaviour changes and he is so much calmer.
I would suggest that given ADHD is in most part genetic that your sister and your nephew(2) and niece(1) look into this.

FWIW I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was nearly 60 but looking back at my family (a lot of whom were diagnosed with bipolar, including my aunt, even though they themselves, the doctors and psychiatrists knew they didn’t exactly fit the bipolar diagnosis). I can see ADHD running through my family and wonder what my family life would have been like if we had all been diagnosed sooner.

I was going to say could he stay with his grandparents, yoir dm

Does your sister know he’s talking to you and your mum? Just wondering if she will kick off when she finds out, and in which case you almost want him out first

You don’t have to put him up permanently and give him an allowance to take on a parental role here, I think what’s really important that you make clear to him you’re on the end of the phone if he needs any advice, financial or emotional, any support, tell him he’s welcome any time for dinner and a kip on the sofa for a night m, a hug, if he needs you to go with him to any potential house viewings, just basically letting him know you’re in this with him. You sound like a brilliant Aunt, he’s lucky to have you.

Thank goodness he has you poor lad. He'll be better off away.

If he is in an entry level, low-wage job, moving to live closer to someone who can act as a support system might make sense if he can find new employment. A house share near you with the ability to come by for dinner a couple of times a week might make finding a new job worthwhile.

your sister has this all backwards. The tough love, sink or swim approach is supposed to be reserved for the young adults who aren’t trying to build a good life for themselves.

"I would suggest that given ADHD is in most part genetic that your sister and your nephew(2) and niece(1) look into this."

@Kennykenkencat I get that you mean well, but I'm afraid you're not understanding the situation here. OP wants as little as possible contact with her sister, her priority is her nephew now. It's hardly the appropriate time to approach her sister with, "Oh, incidentally, have you thought about being assessed for ADHD?". The OP can suggest to her sister about being assessed in the future but not now as it's completely not the right time for it.