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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People staying with you versus in a hotel

51 replies

whiteroseredrose · 15/04/2023 14:51

I confess, I don't like staying at other people's houses and I don't like hosting people in my home either. It's lovely to spend time with people but I like to escape them too, so I need a bit of space.

Am I highly unusual?

This has just come to a head with DH. His elderly parents ended up living with us for a few (very difficult) months and are now in a care home 5 mins from us.

DH's brother lives in Canada. Big back story but they don't get on particularly well. They can manage for a bit on the surface but get niggly with each other.

BIL is MD of an engineering company and has more money than he knows what to do with (his words).

BIL will possibly come over to see PIL in their care home. When it was mooted he said that he would stay in the excellent hotel close to the care home. DH poo poed the idea and said that BIL should stay with us.

AIBU to think that if BIL mentions the hotel again we should not try to stop him? It would make it much easier for us all to get along.

OP posts:
nosyupnorth · 15/04/2023 15:02

YANBU. Since there's no financial need, I agree it makes sense for BIL to stay in a hotel. If he's coming from canada, he's presumably staying more than a night or two, and so it would be more comfortable for everyone to have their own space even before factoring in that DH and BIL doesn't get on in prolonged close quarters. You can still show hospitality by hosting him for a meal or something without being stuck in a house with each other.

I wonder if DH is trying to lean into them managing on the surface to get along and making a show of that by inviting him to stay despite it not being the best idea. Deep down he may be wanting you to be the one to say no as it lets him save face that he would welcome BIL.

I think the best thing for it is to play up the advantages a hotel will offer BIL - make the trip feel more holiday like, conveniences, freedom to make his own plans etc.

Original poster
whiteroseredrose · 15/04/2023 15:06

Thanks @nosyupnorth you have put it very well. We would of course have him over to eat with us, with and without PIL.

OP posts:
dimpleton · 15/04/2023 15:09

Nope YANBU, I agree wholeheartedly. I like my own space.

I hate having anyone to stay other than my own dc, and I wouldn't impose myself on anyone else either, I'd much rather get an air bnb or hotel down the road and just meet up.

Isiteveningyet · 15/04/2023 15:10

Christ you’re on a forum where folks don’t like to answer the door and want someone to text before they call. I reckon you know the answer here.

back in reality though they majority of population who have space will happily have family or friends to stay

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 15:11

I always stay at a hotel close by, much nicer for everyone imo.

twilightcafe · 15/04/2023 15:11

Yanbu. Give me a local hotel any day over staying with relatives - even the ones I get on with.
I like my own space too much.

BHRK · 15/04/2023 15:14

Yabu and I agree - in the real world people host friends and family all the time. Is it really that much trouble?
it’s not for very long.
on MN everyone will tell you to stick them in a hotel

JingsMahBucket · 15/04/2023 15:16

Your husband's a schmo for trying to make his brother he doesn't even get along with stay with you. He's trying to hard to be "family" and just needs to acknowledge that people need their space to get along well.

HyuNis · 15/04/2023 15:16

It depends what's the norm in your family. Every family is different but in both my and DH's families close family always stay with each other whether it's for 2 nights or 2 weeks. Our families would think it really odd if immediate family members didn't stay with each other

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/04/2023 15:17

I think it’s polite to offer your home if someone suggests they might stay in a hotel, but I doubt BIL wants to stay with you for several days any more than you want him there tbh, so I’d not fight him for it.

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:19

I always see it as very cold if family will not put up other family members if they have the space.
I do not think this is just about money. Sitting in a hotel room in the evening after visiting your elderly mum will feel a pretty sad thing to do.
I know you will have him over for a meal, but you are clear you want your own space so the whole point is that he will not be with you a fair amount of time.
And there is zero advantage to having a hotel room on your own in these circumstances. He is not on holiday and unless he wants to get blind drunk or some other anti-social behaviour, the advantage is all yours. Instead he will end up in a bar by himself in the evening or sitting in his hotel room watching TV by himself.
I know there will be lots of stressed mums who will say it would be fabulous to do this. But for most people it would just feel pretty sad.

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:21

And truthfully, its always the sister or brother in law who pushes their partners family away like this.
Leave it up to your DH and brother to sort out. Make it clear to DH you are fine whatever the arrangement and it is up to DH to agree what happens with his brother.

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/04/2023 15:22

My partner and I used to love having friends to stay. We now do not like having friends to stay (we can just about tolerate one night) and are secretly pleased that a pair of really close friends have recently moved to the other end of the country, even further away than they used to live and it's unlikely they will come to visit us here again. We don't mind inviting them to a holiday cottage for 2-3 days (as it's not 'our' space) and have proposed this.

I think the OP is right to push for the BiL to stay in a hotel, Better all round.

FirstFallopians · 15/04/2023 15:23

I’m with you OP.

I love my family and inlaws, but if I had a choice between a nice, quiet Premier Inn where I could wake on my own schedule before leisurely going downstairs to a full cooked breakfast buffet, or staying in a spare room in a busy family house, it’s no contest.

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:25

@FirstFallopians That bit sounds nice. But going back to a hotel room alone for quite a few nights and your only choice for the evening being a bar or hotel room by yourself is shit.

Lcb123 · 15/04/2023 15:26

I don’t think YABU, it’s personal choice. I like hosting, and happily stay with others. I’ve done lots of house sitting, staying with friends of friends etc whilst travelling so generally make myself at home very easily

Alwayswonderedwhy · 15/04/2023 15:27

Yanbu. I can only cope with short visits. Can't stand staying at people's houses and definitely wouldn't have anyone stay at ours.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 15:27

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:25

@FirstFallopians That bit sounds nice. But going back to a hotel room alone for quite a few nights and your only choice for the evening being a bar or hotel room by yourself is shit.

I need that time alone. I very much enjoy being by myself and if I didn't get it in some way I would be absolutely miserable and bad company.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 15:28

Of course not.

Your DH is being irrational - is this maybe part of the sibling rivalry? I would say very firmly that BIL will also be happier in a hotel but might feel forced to accept if you insist. Everyone will have a better time if there’s space.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 15:29

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:25

@FirstFallopians That bit sounds nice. But going back to a hotel room alone for quite a few nights and your only choice for the evening being a bar or hotel room by yourself is shit.

Many people are perfectly fine with it

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:30

@TomatoSandwiches Fair enough. I am fine being at home in an evening. But I think there is something very lonely about a hotel room alone because the only people you know there do not want to be with you.
And if you visit elderly relatives in care homes infrequently, you will see a deterioration in abilities and health. This is not a tourist trip, it may be quite emotional for him.

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:31

But at bottom I think decisions like this should be between the close family relatives.
OP it is not your mum or your brother, so best to just stay out of this.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 15:31

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:21

And truthfully, its always the sister or brother in law who pushes their partners family away like this.
Leave it up to your DH and brother to sort out. Make it clear to DH you are fine whatever the arrangement and it is up to DH to agree what happens with his brother.

It’s the OP’s house!

She isn’t fine with it either way. And given the BIL is happy with a hotel, why on earth should she pretend she is?!

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:33

Okay fine. Encourage OP to get involved in things and possibly upset relationships needlessly.
The brother offered to stay in a hotel, but DP said to stay at his house. Presumably he now has to go back and say it is better if you stay in a hotel after all. Not a nice message to deliver.

turtlemurtle1982 · 15/04/2023 15:35

I mean I would offer to have any of my siblings at my home in the same (but any) circumstances. However I'd also respect of my sibs said they preferred to stay in a hotel. We are all close though so I wouldn't take it personally.