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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People staying with you versus in a hotel

51 replies

whiteroseredrose · 15/04/2023 14:51

I confess, I don't like staying at other people's houses and I don't like hosting people in my home either. It's lovely to spend time with people but I like to escape them too, so I need a bit of space.

Am I highly unusual?

This has just come to a head with DH. His elderly parents ended up living with us for a few (very difficult) months and are now in a care home 5 mins from us.

DH's brother lives in Canada. Big back story but they don't get on particularly well. They can manage for a bit on the surface but get niggly with each other.

BIL is MD of an engineering company and has more money than he knows what to do with (his words).

BIL will possibly come over to see PIL in their care home. When it was mooted he said that he would stay in the excellent hotel close to the care home. DH poo poed the idea and said that BIL should stay with us.

AIBU to think that if BIL mentions the hotel again we should not try to stop him? It would make it much easier for us all to get along.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/04/2023 15:41

He may prefer staying in a hotel. In those circs, so would I. He could still come to you e.g. for dinner now and then.
Unless they’re close family, or people I know extremely well, I much prefer staying in a hotel*, and once or twice have insisted on this to dh - when he’d have been quite happy to stay with people I hardly knew. Very kind of them to offer, and all that, but no thanks!

*At least you can choose one with a nice big bed - too many people’s spare rooms only have standard doubles - I just can’t share one of those with dh any more. Plus your own bathroom of course.

Original poster
whiteroseredrose · 15/04/2023 15:41

So different opinions as expected.

This is theoretical at the moment as BIL hasn't said when or if he will come. He has rarely visited his parents since he moved to Canada but came to the UK a couple of times when he knew they were away.

It is entirely DH's choice whether to offer or not, I will not get involved. He was just so surprised when I said we didn't have to ask him to stay.

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 15/04/2023 15:46

So you're really worrying over nothing. I personally would try to accomodate MY guests, as family/friends will always return the favour, but if they want to go to a hotel and have other plans of their own - fair play to them.

HideousKinky · 15/04/2023 15:49

I prefer to say in a hotel myself rather than be someone's house guest - that way everyone gets bit of space at the end of each day.

So I would let BIL stay in the hotel, as he wishes

Sworntofun · 15/04/2023 15:51

YANBU. I have an Air BnB studio and the vast majority of our guests are people visiting relatives but who like their own space. I do too!

LisaD1 · 15/04/2023 15:52

Yanbu I’ve just come back from a wonderful couple of days visiting my brother and his family. Sil is a dream and we are all very close. I adore my nephews.

I stayed in a local hotel because as much as we love each other everyone needs a bit of their own space in my opinion. They don’t have a spare room and would make space for us but at detriment to their own comfort. I’ve got a good job, can afford a hotel so makes perfect sense to stay in one.

CordyLines · 15/04/2023 16:19

I'm another of the " I don't stay with relatives and I don't have guests either". It is not cold it is practical. When friends and relatives visit the area they are made very welcome and we go out together and eat in my place a good bit. But they stay nearby in a hotel. If it is close family I will pay for it for three nights which I think is reasonable.

I don't stay with anyone either, so I avoid the worry of dribbling on someone's pillow, sleeping in while hosts are pacing around waiting to go out, worrying about using the loo in the middle of the night and creaking floorboards announcing my wee, waiting for the shower, tripping over dogs and kids and so on. Yep set in my ways and I might be unusual but I won't change now!

Also, I don't have to do the "death cleaning" stuff before guests arrive to stay (because they don't). Place is clean and tidy, but you know what I mean about everything being cleaned to within an inch of its life. It's times like that I see all the faults that others might see but I don't!

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 16:20

People usually say the 'stay with us' line so they are not seen as unwelcoming. They rarely think of the practicalities of who'll cook and clean etc after the guest.

Original poster
whiteroseredrose · 15/04/2023 16:47

Isiteveningyet · 15/04/2023 15:10

Christ you’re on a forum where folks don’t like to answer the door and want someone to text before they call. I reckon you know the answer here.

back in reality though they majority of population who have space will happily have family or friends to stay

This made me laugh. I think I've found my tribe on Mumsnet, but maybe not in real life.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 15/04/2023 16:53

YANBU OP, I'm exactly the same as you. One or maybe two nights max is my limit as a houseguest and even then only very close friends or family. I even stay in a hotel when I go visit my own parents.

We're going to visit DH's family in his home country and I'm so (secretly) pleased that changes to circumstances mean nobody has space to host us anymore, as they'd insist otherwise and I'd spend the whole trip uncomfortable.

Weirdly I don't mind having guests as much as I mind being one, but as we live in a tiny flat at the moment it's very rare that we would.

QueSyrahSyrah · 15/04/2023 17:00

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:25

@FirstFallopians That bit sounds nice. But going back to a hotel room alone for quite a few nights and your only choice for the evening being a bar or hotel room by yourself is shit.

Nope, not for everyone.

I've stayed in hotels on my own more times than I can remember for work, holidays and visiting people (including as it happens after visiting elderly relatives and after funerals) and a quiet room to myself where I can lock the door and relax is absolute bliss for me, compared to being in someone else's space - even someone that I know and like.

twilightcafe · 15/04/2023 19:33

'Sitting in a hotel room in the evening after visiting your elderly mum will feel a pretty sad thing to do.'

Believe me, it ain't! WinkWine

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 11:00

callingeveryone · 15/04/2023 15:21

And truthfully, its always the sister or brother in law who pushes their partners family away like this.
Leave it up to your DH and brother to sort out. Make it clear to DH you are fine whatever the arrangement and it is up to DH to agree what happens with his brother.

Yes and things have changed for the brothers with their parents just gone into a home.

It’s a significant change and can affect previous sibling dynamic and your DH may be expressing an emotional need to have his brother to stay - even though he can afford a hotel.

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 11:02

It could be really good for them and their relationship. If it isn’t and the old issues arise, BIL can easily move to nearby hotel

Rainydaysgetmedown · 09/05/2023 11:05

Isiteveningyet · 15/04/2023 15:10

Christ you’re on a forum where folks don’t like to answer the door and want someone to text before they call. I reckon you know the answer here.

back in reality though they majority of population who have space will happily have family or friends to stay

I answer my door, entertain people regularly and love a pop in guest but I don’t stay at peoples houses and don’t have people to stay at me. I can’t bear overnight guests

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/05/2023 11:15

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 15:27

I need that time alone. I very much enjoy being by myself and if I didn't get it in some way I would be absolutely miserable and bad company.

Show quote history

I agree - the alone time is lovely at the end of the day.

Finding that “a bit shit” is totally alien to me!

callingeveryone · 12/05/2023 12:13

I hate being in a hotel room alone at the end of the day. I do it for work sometimes. It is just lonely. Why would sitting in a small bedroom with a TV and a kettle be lovely?

KimberleyClark · 12/05/2023 12:16

YANBU. I much prefer to stay in a hotel when visiting friends and find hosting stressful.

HoldingTheDoor · 12/05/2023 12:45

I hate being in a hotel room alone at the end of the day. I do it for work sometimes. It is just lonely. Why would sitting in a small bedroom with a TV and a kettle be lovely?

Because some people enjoy having space and peace and quiet and for others it's a rare event and they enjoy the opportunity to relax without having to attend to children/have someone in their space constantly. They can eat and drink what they like, watch the show of their choice in peace or take time to read without interruption.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/05/2023 12:53

callingeveryone · 12/05/2023 12:13

I hate being in a hotel room alone at the end of the day. I do it for work sometimes. It is just lonely. Why would sitting in a small bedroom with a TV and a kettle be lovely?

Hotel rooms are not particularly small.

They are lovely and peaceful and calm-I could read my book and drink my drink/have a bath in peace! What’s not to like!?

MammaTo · 12/05/2023 13:28

I’m exactly the same as you.

I like my own space to get up in the morning in my pj’s and watch some TV, have a coffee at my own pace rather then be in someone else’s house. Can go out for a quick bite before visiting family and then as you say escape them in the evening.

Also can’t be assed with people staying here, having to make up the spare room and get toiletries in, cater to their food needs etc.

Maybe suggest you stay in the fancy hotel and let BIL & DH bunk in together haha!

Whichwhatnow · 12/05/2023 13:41

We only have a one bed flat so any time we have people to stay it's more of a post-gig/drunken night out, someone crashing on the sofa thing where all I really do is offer coffee and toast in the morning. I'd hate having to actually 'host' and entertain guests for extended periods! I also hate staying at people's houses - we only really do this at my parents' and PIL's and I hate not having my own space, using someone else's bathroom and kitchen etc. I would always choose a hotel if possible.

FunnysInLaJardin · 12/05/2023 13:44

YANBU I loathe staying with other people and aside from a couple of close relatives for a couple of days at a time, dont like anyone staying at my house.

Hotel is a much better option as then when you do see your guests you actually enjoy being with them rather than wishing they would just leave!

Jellycatbat20 · 12/05/2023 14:02

Nope. These are exactly the reasons I stay in a B and B or hotel when I go home for a visit. I'd hate to feel I was an imposition on any of my relatives with 4+ bedroom homes where the kids have mainly left home. It also means I can beat a hasty retreat if my relatives are being too idiotic. Luckily the flat we own, although it's in a very lovely touristy area, is too small for us and the cats, let alone any family members, on the rare occasions they deign to visit....!

callingeveryone · 12/05/2023 14:29

I love a house full.

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