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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-In-laws make no effort

32 replies

lyfopas · 15/04/2023 14:12

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4 of those.
In that time my relationship with my in-laws has never really improved- we’re civil but they clearly have no interest in me, my work or my interests (which are broadly the same as DH!).

This really became noticeable to me a couple of Christmas’s ago, the first one after lockdown, and after our first kid was born, we went all the way up north to see them (we live in London) and with all the stress of having a 6 month old. I hadn’t really noticed before but that Christmas DH got loads of presents (their tradition is a stocking with several small bits and then one larger present). DS got the same and I got a card attached to DH main present that was addressed to both of us, implying the present was for us both - except it was some gardening tools and I hate gardening.

Anyway, this got me thinking and I realised it has always been like this, every Christmas and at birthdays he’ll get a pretty expensive gift and I’ll get a box of chocolates or sometimes just a card.

My family, on the other hand, DH gets his own separate gift from my mum, and all my siblings up to and sometimes higher in value to whatever they get me.

It’s the same at Easter, every year they will send one fancy Easter egg, always dark chocolate as DH prefers dark when I prefer milk.

I explained to DH that I thought it was odd they treated me as an extension of him, and not like an individual the way my family do for him and especially now DS is here and they spoil him like crazy. It’s not about the monetary value in any way, more I feel they haven’t really accepted me as a daughter in law. (My SIL gets spoilt by them and I have no vision we’ll ever get treated equally but it would be nice to be seen as an equal) DH agrees and has tried talking to his parents about it but nothing has changed or they’ll passive aggressively point out when they have done something; for example this Easter they sent a milk chocolate egg and both MIL and FIL felt it necessary to tell me multiple times “it’s milk chocolate this time”.

Curious to hear how others are treated by their in laws and whether I might be being irrational/unreasonable

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 15/04/2023 14:14

YANBU. But this seems to be how some families are.

ShirleyPhallus · 15/04/2023 14:17

I think it’s just how different families operate isn’t it. I wouldn’t expect anything from my in laws but importantly I don’t want anything from them. I find the endless present giving a bit pointless sometimes and am happy to buy my own stuff.

Being sent an Easter egg as an adult is honestly a bit weird. Being offended that your PIL didn’t buy you an Easter egg as an adult is really weird.

Dilemma19 · 15/04/2023 14:18

Yanbu, is SIL dh sister ?
Hopefully you treat them the same, don't put in any extra effort.

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/04/2023 14:20

It occurred to me two years ago that I always get the exact same gift from MIL - A photo frame from the White Company, and a specific Hotel Chocolate little gift set. There's nothing wrong with it. It's perfectly tame. I don't really use photo frames, so they're all in a pile in the loft, and DH tends to eat the chocolate.

DH started to joke about me not needing another photo frame early last year, whenever MIL asked for gift ideas. Originally she laughed it off, then she took offence, then I got nothing for Christmas 😅 DS got a puzzle with bizarrely sharp corners (he was one), DH got bags full of random stuff, underwear; shoes, books, teabags, etc.

In-laws are bizarre things.

If they're usually good people, I'd try and frame it that they're trying, at least - they sent a milk egg this year, for example, which is an improvement!

Oysterbabe · 15/04/2023 14:21

I like my inlaws but I wouldn't expect them to treat me the same as their own child.

girlfriend44 · 15/04/2023 14:22

That's the way it is you aren't going to change them.

If you keep on world war 3 will break out is it worth it over bday presents.

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 14:22

Are you one of those where you expect in laws to become your parents? Some families seem to run like that, while for others you are never their actual daughter, just the daughter in law?

Different ways of seeing family.

I can't imagine ever spending anywhere near as much money on any daughter in law as I would my son and grandkids. It isn't the norm in my family so I would just find it weird. Hopefully I'll end up with a dil who doesn't expect it either. I imagine I can feign an interest and flash the cash if required but I would rather not.

So for my family, you would be a bit of an oddbod asking for a milk chocolate easter egg and expensive personalised gifts.

Why is your mum buying your husband a more expensive gift than she gets for you? Does your family prioritise the men?

Saniflo · 15/04/2023 14:23

My MIL doesn't even know when my birthday is. My family get my DH stuff on his birthday and at Xmas which is equal to what I get in terms of money and thought put in to it. I don't care tbh. Just different families do things differently.

bussteward · 15/04/2023 14:24

I’d love my in-laws to not give me things! One year, between MIL and SIL across birthday and Christmas I got 11 hand creams. I don’t even use hand cream. It’s just “here’s a gift for the sake of a gift”.

Your family does things one way, his another. The Easter egg is for him – complaining you can’t eat his gift because you don’t like the flavour is really weird, especially when you can just go to the shop and buy an Easter egg yourself.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 15/04/2023 14:27

I'm lucky with my in laws, but my MIL told me the old saying "a daughter is your daughter for life; your son is only as good as his wife", which is probably why they made a huge effort from the start. They have always treated me like a daughter and my parents have always treated my dh like a son.
It must hurt to be a non person in your in law's eyes, but effectively ignoring you they have given your permission not to care a fig about them either. Perhaps my MIL's saying is relevant still after all.

Supertayto · 15/04/2023 14:27

Not all in-laws are created equal. YANBU but I don’t think it’ll ever change and trying to address it will probably just cause friction. As long as they treat your kids and DH well I’d just leave it be and not go the extra mile for them.

RampantIvy · 15/04/2023 14:27

My late MIL was lovely, and at Christmas she used to spoil me as much as DH and SIL. So I used to do the same for her.

In your shoes I wouldn't bother present buying for them.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 14:30

It is odd but all you can do is minimise your exposure to them and step back from doing things for them i.e. if not already, DH sorts their presents/cards and let them facilitate meet ups or seeing their grandchildren directly with DH.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/04/2023 14:32

It is a bit crap- suspect its ghe feeling of just being a non person...

I don't think there's anything you can do.. Apart from stopping putting any effort into gift giving.

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 14:32

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 15/04/2023 14:27

I'm lucky with my in laws, but my MIL told me the old saying "a daughter is your daughter for life; your son is only as good as his wife", which is probably why they made a huge effort from the start. They have always treated me like a daughter and my parents have always treated my dh like a son.
It must hurt to be a non person in your in law's eyes, but effectively ignoring you they have given your permission not to care a fig about them either. Perhaps my MIL's saying is relevant still after all.

It's usually 'a son is a son til he gets a wife' ... which has a fair bit of truth to it I think, at least in Western cultures. That's it then, off they go!

Probz · 15/04/2023 14:35

My in laws treat me exactly the same as my DH. We get similar gifts, definitely the same value spent. My Mum is the same with my DH.

Whitewolf2 · 15/04/2023 14:45

Im very fortunate, my MIL is always getting me kind little gifts when she sees things and for Christmas / birthdays I get similar level of gift to what they get my husband and SIL. They’re kind and generous people though - I’m sure not all are the same. I think if they’re kind to your child I’d try to ignore it (and leave DH to buy their gifts)!

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/04/2023 14:49

Yanbu
Id be petty and start treating them the same way.
It would be petty but i also know it wod make me feel better :)

whynotwhatknot · 15/04/2023 15:01

yanbu-to not get you a sperate present is rude-like you say just an extension of your dh

i do think hes a bit old for stockings

Ktime · 15/04/2023 15:07

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/04/2023 14:49

Yanbu
Id be petty and start treating them the same way.
It would be petty but i also know it wod make me feel better :)

Not petty at all, you reap what you sow.

CastlesinSpain · 15/04/2023 15:08

Do you collect something? It's so much easier to find a personal gift for someone if they are crazy about china pigs, or cacti, Pandora beads, nail varnish....
My late MIL loved badgers - so anything badger themed was well received - mugs, teatowels ( I tried to steer away from ornaments, her shelves were overflowing) 😁

ElfAndSafetyBored · 15/04/2023 15:11

My parents treat my husband and my brother’s wife exactly the same they do me and my brother. We each get the same value gift at birthdays and Christmas. They are also in the will, ie if I died first my husband would get my share.

My in laws are lovely but the same isn’t true there. I benefit massively from having them in my life though and they are generous to a fault (offered to pay our mortgage for a year when I was under threat of redundancy).

I expect if my husband goes first, my children would get his share. I guess it’s up to them but I think my parents are much nicer people.

NurseCranesRolodex · 15/04/2023 15:18

This is rubbish!
I'm sorry, OP. This could be a gift for you though. I'd just lower and lower the effort and contact you have completely. After a while you will not need to be involved atall. When it comes to PIL being v elderly there will be no expectations on you. DH will have done the visits and you don't need involved. Use it as time to spend any way you choose!

thing47 · 15/04/2023 15:24

Some of my family are a bit like this, but DH has never seemed that bothered. The only aspect of it that annoyed him was that he was just as likely as me to be the one buying cards/presents for them. He said a couple of years ago that he wasn't prepared to keep doing this if they couldn't be bothered to make even a minimum effort. Which seemed fair enough.

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 15:27

ElfAndSafetyBored · 15/04/2023 15:11

My parents treat my husband and my brother’s wife exactly the same they do me and my brother. We each get the same value gift at birthdays and Christmas. They are also in the will, ie if I died first my husband would get my share.

My in laws are lovely but the same isn’t true there. I benefit massively from having them in my life though and they are generous to a fault (offered to pay our mortgage for a year when I was under threat of redundancy).

I expect if my husband goes first, my children would get his share. I guess it’s up to them but I think my parents are much nicer people.

Why are your parents disinheriting their grandchildren if you die before them? Your husband remarries and that's it ... no money for your kids. I'd be really unhappy about that!