AIBU-In-laws make no effort

[lyfopas]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4 of those.
In that time my relationship with my in-laws has never really improved- we’re civil but they clearly have no interest in me, my work or my interests (which are broadly the same as DH!).

This really became noticeable to me a couple of Christmas’s ago, the first one after lockdown, and after our first kid was born, we went all the way up north to see them (we live in London) and with all the stress of having a 6 month old. I hadn’t really noticed before but that Christmas DH got loads of presents (their tradition is a stocking with several small bits and then one larger present). DS got the same and I got a card attached to DH main present that was addressed to both of us, implying the present was for us both - except it was some gardening tools and I hate gardening.

Anyway, this got me thinking and I realised it has always been like this, every Christmas and at birthdays he’ll get a pretty expensive gift and I’ll get a box of chocolates or sometimes just a card.

My family, on the other hand, DH gets his own separate gift from my mum, and all my siblings up to and sometimes higher in value to whatever they get me.

It’s the same at Easter, every year they will send one fancy Easter egg, always dark chocolate as DH prefers dark when I prefer milk.

I explained to DH that I thought it was odd they treated me as an extension of him, and not like an individual the way my family do for him and especially now DS is here and they spoil him like crazy. It’s not about the monetary value in any way, more I feel they haven’t really accepted me as a daughter in law. (My SIL gets spoilt by them and I have no vision we’ll ever get treated equally but it would be nice to be seen as an equal) DH agrees and has tried talking to his parents about it but nothing has changed or they’ll passive aggressively point out when they have done something; for example this Easter they sent a milk chocolate egg and both MIL and FIL felt it necessary to tell me multiple times “it’s milk chocolate this time”.

Curious to hear how others are treated by their in laws and whether I might be being irrational/unreasonable

If my DDs choose to get married I vouch to treat their wives/husbands as I would treat them. My MIL is not quite like yours but she’ll always spend more on DH. All the in-laws get the same but DH and his siblings get more.

I luckily married a lovely principled man who dotes on his own children, why would he not leave them money?
If he had more kids then they would be my kids half-siblings. Why would they resent them their share?
I love my husband. If he has kids after I’m gone then I’d want them to be provided for too.

My in laws treat me and DH broadly the same whereas my mum gives DH a present for about £30 and me about £80; my DH isn’t really bothered and accepts this.
I think it’s crappy they don’t give you your own present but equally I don’t think they have to treat you the same as your DH as essentially you’re not their child.

The minute he marries, any previous will is null and void and the spouse automatically inherits. He would need to write another will setting out his intentions. Oftentimes that either doesn't happen, or the new wife inherits under a 'mirror will'. You only have to read a few threads here to see that many times that spouse then does not leave the money to his children.

Him being lovely doesn't make his next wife lovely.

Poor Lynda Bellingham, who seemed a very lovely person, is one example where the new not-lovely spouse disinherited her kids.

Anyway, up to your parents who they leave their money to but I'd be horrified by that clause. It's not a typical clause in a will - for that very reason!

I would PIL would have just bought me a small token I liked rather than what they did buy me.
Tiny sized clothing (size 6), old lady nighties and knickers and clothes, perfume (I’m allergic), chocolate my MIL liked but I didn’t etc. all such a lot of waste. This was all done to make me go on a perpetual diet and dress/be like her. Didn’t work!
Whereas she would ask SIL and get her what she liked so she didn’t offend her!

I barely speak to any of my in laws. I tried to make so much effort, only to get rebuffed so now I don't bother. They may be family, but they come as a package deal with your partner who you chose. You don't choose them.
The only time it pisses me off is like this month, three birthdays in the family, one of my nephews, my DD and then another nephew.
Guess which one had a significant birthday and was not said happy birthday to? And which two were mentioned across social media with bragging photos about wonderful nephew this and wonderful nephew that?
Yep, DD was the one ignored. But she doesn't care anymore, she's used to it and they've already lost her respect.

I would keep contact to a minimum. If they don't make effort, why should you? And it's up to your partner to say something as well.

They sound annoying but people have such strange family rules about gift giving.

The only people who ever actually buy me presents I like are my DH and my sister. This is because they thankfully take an interest in who I am.

Both my parents and in laws have always bought presents that are things they like. They are both the kind of people who think they have great taste and that everyone likes the same stuff as them! I would rather not get anything.