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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not being told going out

26 replies

Carcarscars · 15/04/2023 13:31

asked dp wgat he was doing today , turns out he is off to buy the a car , first I have heard off it . Last year I was going away for weekend he kept saying what time you leaving , turns out he was supposed to be other side of country buying a car and he hadn’t told me , it’s not our money but it really annoys me he doesn’t bother to tell me what he is up to . He wfh so I always ask him what happened today when I get home .Aibu in thinking he should actually tell me when he has planned something instead of 5 min before he goes out . ?

OP posts:
getthewashinginbeforethespidersrubtheirwillies · 15/04/2023 13:38

Why does he keep buying cars and who is he buying them for?
your post is a bit confusing

Original poster
Carcarscars · 15/04/2023 13:40

He keeps buying cars as he is a petrol head , he has 4 currently 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Carcarscars · 15/04/2023 13:42

It’s with his own money but I just find annoying he doesn’t bother telling me his plans when he wfh so doesn’t exactly have a lot happening day to day and he can’t be bothered to tell me .

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 15/04/2023 13:45

But if he is out all day, why does it matter? If you had nothing planned, then I'm not sure how this impacts you at all. Just enjoy a nice day in peace!

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 15/04/2023 13:51

Hmm I don’t usually tell me husband my plans for a weekend day in advance, unless im checking it’s not a day we have plans already?

when did you want him to tell you, the day before, the week before?

Original poster
Carcarscars · 15/04/2023 13:55

When he arranged it , perhaps I am being unreasonable
as I wouldn’t just tell him that morning if I am off somewhere , it just felt last time he was deceiving me and only told me as I hadn’t left before he had to .

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 15/04/2023 13:57

Does it impact on your plans at all? If not then I don’t see why he needs to tell you ( although it would be a nice thing to do) . If it impacts you then he def should mention it in advance.

Probz · 15/04/2023 15:02

You're not being unreasonable, of course partners share with their partner if they are planning to buy something big like a car! People are just being daft with their replies. As if you just say oh I'm just nipping out to buy a car....its not the done thing.

Yerroblemom1923 · 15/04/2023 15:04

Who pays for the cars? Is it from your joint account? That would bother me.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 15:05

It is a bit weird to not mention you will be driving across the country to pick up a car tbf.
I think it's a bit disrespectful, but it's up to you whether you stay and put up with it.

TheChosenTwo · 15/04/2023 15:13

I don’t know really. I don’t ever tell dh what I’m doing at the weekend unless I need him to be around for the youngest or if it just comes up in a general conversation. Eg I’m going out for dinner with some friends tonight so last week I said to him that I was going out and he needed to be around.
But the other weekend I was going to ikea, he was in the garden working so I just popped my head out of the door and said I was going out for a few hours (was about 4 hours in the end) and off I went. Didn’t impact him at all, we didn’t have joint plans and I was taking the youngest with me.
Dh and I both sort of just take off without explaining what we’re doing or why, unless it’s going to impact plans we already have or we need to organise cover for the dc.

Probz · 15/04/2023 15:15

TheChosenTwo · 15/04/2023 15:13

I don’t know really. I don’t ever tell dh what I’m doing at the weekend unless I need him to be around for the youngest or if it just comes up in a general conversation. Eg I’m going out for dinner with some friends tonight so last week I said to him that I was going out and he needed to be around.
But the other weekend I was going to ikea, he was in the garden working so I just popped my head out of the door and said I was going out for a few hours (was about 4 hours in the end) and off I went. Didn’t impact him at all, we didn’t have joint plans and I was taking the youngest with me.
Dh and I both sort of just take off without explaining what we’re doing or why, unless it’s going to impact plans we already have or we need to organise cover for the dc.

This is extremely different to organising to buy a car and saying nothing. It's just information that you'd expect your loving partner to mention at least! Popping to IKEA is a normal daily thing.

ilovesooty · 15/04/2023 15:17

Yerroblemom1923 · 15/04/2023 15:04

Who pays for the cars? Is it from your joint account? That would bother me.

She's already said it's his own money.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 15/04/2023 15:18

Four cars? When does he have time to drive them all? Where does he keep them all? It must impact you in some manner or other.

I can’t imagine either me or my husband making a big purchase without a conversation (not asking for approval), even if we knew the other would think it a rubbish idea (a new racing bike for example).

And yeah we let the other know if we have something planned just in case they are thinking of doing something else.

ilovesooty · 15/04/2023 15:19

So @Carcarscars if you don't like it presumably you're going to say so?

ElfAndSafetyBored · 15/04/2023 15:20

My friends husband just bought her a new car though. That’s a whole new level isn’t it? I know it’s generous but surely an adult wants input into what they drive.

TheChosenTwo · 15/04/2023 15:33

@Probz it is different I agree, although don’t agree that going to ikea is a regular occurrence- I’ve only been twice in my whole life, and they’ve been over 20 years 😂
But also, we have a joint account and then accounts of our own. Neither of us are in debt, we both save. What dh chooses to spend his money on is not my business and vice versa. Funnily enough he bought a car (which takes the ‘family’ vehicle total to 4!) and didn’t tell me last year. Although he only had to drive to the next town to pick it up, not a whole day trip!
So I just don’t really see an issue with the op unless he had agreed to do something with her that day.
If dh or I were planning something that would require the whole day then I’d like to think we’d mention it but genuinely we are both busy and try and do stuff with the kids at the weekends when we can so are pretty laid back and easy going about all this sort of stuff. It just wouldn’t cause an issue for us if it was a rare occurence.

Probz · 15/04/2023 15:44

@TheChosenTwo it's definitely weird to buy such a big purchase like a car and say nowt 🤣

JulieHoney · 15/04/2023 15:48

Do you live together? I would find it weird if the person I lived with was intended to spend the day out of the home on his own and hadn’t mentioned it.

It’s not about permission or anything, it’s just manners. For example:

” I think I’ll go car shopping on Saturday. Have you got plans or do you fancy coming with me?”

Probz · 15/04/2023 15:52

JulieHoney · 15/04/2023 15:48

Do you live together? I would find it weird if the person I lived with was intended to spend the day out of the home on his own and hadn’t mentioned it.

It’s not about permission or anything, it’s just manners. For example:

” I think I’ll go car shopping on Saturday. Have you got plans or do you fancy coming with me?”

Exactly

GlassBunion · 15/04/2023 16:00

I'd want to know if he was spending family money on a car from the other side of the country.

potatowhale · 15/04/2023 16:02

Do you have children/a pet

TheChosenTwo · 15/04/2023 16:02

Yeah @Probz i realise other families work differently to ours and I’m okay with that 😂
He did tell me when he got back!
Just something he’d been looking at for a while (I didn’t know, I don’t care about cars, I just need them to start and stop reliably and that’s about it 🤣 - I imagine if he’d started waffling on to me about car stuff I’d have tuned out) and spotted one day and off he went.
I know other families have one joint pot and family money and that’s fine, it works for some people. We have our own money, joint account for bills and some joint ones for savings etc but everything else is transferred into our own current accounts or separate savings accounts. Just how we do things. My spending money is for things I want to buy and I don’t ever run this stuff past dh unless I want some advice. And the same for him.
we don’t tend to buy anything extravagant or crazy with our personal spends, it’s for socialising, holidays without each other, clothes, haircuts… just whatever.

VeggieSalsa · 15/04/2023 16:33

For everyone saying their partner bought a car and didn’t tell them… do you communicate at all?

I’d probably mention a new car to family/friends/colleagues in passing, never mind the person I live and share my life with…

sparkellie · 15/04/2023 16:40

The car thing wouldn't bother me - it's his money and up to him where it comes from.
I can't imagine making plans for a day out and not telling my partner though. That just seems odd to me. Do you usually spend weekends together or doing your own thing?